A Short History of Presidential $%!# Ups

George Bush pukes on our allies (no, seriously)

Bush, Sr. should be thanking Jr. that his long list of bonehead moves made us forget about this little election year gaffe. Thank God for YouTube. President George Bush puked in the lap of Japan’s Prime Minister. There’s no better way to say it. While on at a dinner hosted by the Japanese government, the President was feeling ill. As the evening progressed, Bush became faint, nauseous, tossed his cookies on the Prime Minister (the host), and then passed out. A few days later, it was chalked up to the flu. Don’t you hate it when you spend all this time and energy to make a good first impression, and all you get is the executive chunder?

Bill and Monica (not exactly Jack and Marilyn)

Okay, answer me this: how many other presidential sex scandals have yielded inspiration for a modern literary classic (The Human Stain by Phillip Roth)? None – right; so at least give Bill Clinton that. I don’t think I need to go into any kind of graphic detail about this one; we all know what happened. Boy meets girl; girl falls for boy. Boy isn’t exactly looking for a girlfriend, so they just mess around for a while until boy gets bored and girl gets relocated by her job (which boy may or may not have made happen). Girl gets the wrong idea. Girl thinks they had something real. Girl needs to go out on a Friday with some of her friends, have a few drinks, and forget about boy. Girl instead tells her one friend who’s got a problem with everybody (we all have one of those) and friend secretly records all their conversations and releases the recording to boy’s enemies. Boy goes through lengthy impeachment process, while girl does what’s – more or less – the right thing, while using their relationship as an excuse to get famous. Boy gets acquitted, never speaks to girl again, she still doesn’t get the message that it’s over and holds a grudge to this day. Now that I think about it, the Clinton sex scandal gave us two things: a great novel, and the template to every episode of Gossip Girl ever made.

Gerald Ford falls down a flight of stairs and cements Chevy Chase's career.

Don’t you miss the days when a presidential gaffe was some comical misstep forever scrutinized by the American media? Between a dress from the Gap and a deregulated economy, Gerald Ford falling down seems completely harmless. But – believe it, America – that bit kept us laughing for the rest of the man’s life. Talk about making fun of the special ed kids…

The Bay of Pigs (or, JFK takes one for the team)

John F. Kennedy’s presidency will always be remembered for two things: an era of optimism and a tragic demise. Before Kennedy’s assassination became the harbinger of change in American pop culture, Kennedy himself was often his own victim in character assassination. One need not look any further than the infamous Bay of Pigs invasion, in which Kennedy’s administration backed a failed invasion of Cuba to displace Fidel Castro. Cuban-American relations were already on unsteady grounds after Castro had come to power. So imagine – if you will – being the dictator of a country already at odds with the American government and the first impression the new guy in The Oval Office makes is trying to kill you. Not exactly as effective as a breakfast meet-and-greet. You can’t blame Kennedy for trying to make such a bold move as The Cold War entered a pivotal period. However, the worse case scenario was the result. So what does Castro do? Well, if the accurate depictions of Cubans in the film Scarface has taught us anything: “You wanna play? Okay! Say ‘Hello’ to my little friend – a fleet of Soviet missles!”

Civil War starts after "doughface" Buchanan decides to "go to his room" and writes angry blog

It’s really, really hard to like James Buchanan. One, if you don’t want to be nominated for President, then why accept the nomination anyway? Two, if you’re elected President, then why not give it the old college try? Three, if bipartisan tension is becoming so fervent in Congress that The Confederate Government becomes established, then why not try to do something about it? Or, you could just whine until your term is up and then go open a crappy Italian restaurant in New Jersey. Yeah, Iraq has been a failure – but imagine being the guy who let the most violent, destructive war in American history happen. Yeesh; hope he didn’t get a library.

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The entire tenure of the Warren G. Harding Presidency

In all good stories, there is always a prologue to an epic; a Hobbit to a Lord of The Rings, if you will. Before W. loaded up the bases with American adequacy, Warren G. Harding was smacking jaw-dropping stupidity right out of the park. Harding bid for the presidency was completely happenstance at the 1920 RNC, after being a “dark horse” candidate for all of the campaign trail. After winning an election on the platform of a “Return To Normalcy” and a call for isolationism, Harding went to work at earning the mantle of “Worst U.S. President Ever”. First order of business, give all of his cabinet positions to his golfing buddies. Second, watch that strategy blow up in his face. There was the Teapot Dome Scandal (where the Secretary of the Interior was caught taking bribes to let businesses drill for oil), there was the Director of the Veterans Bureau stealing money from the government to put into racketeering, and let’s not forget that Harding claimed he could’ve done nothing to stop it. Three years into office, Harding died, leaving behind a legacy that still haunts history.

Jimmy Carter Gets Too Honest With America

You can’t help but feel bad for Jimmy Carter on some level. I’m not talking about sympathy, but empathy. Carter rode into Washington as a breath of fresh air after eight years of Nixon, Watergate, and Gerald Ford trying to keep his footing (no pun intended). Carter won the American people over with honesty, respect, and moderation that appealed to both parties. However, Carter also said he would never lie to the American people. What killed his presidency was the fact that he kept that promise. As the energy crisis increased and Carter endured friction from Congress, he decided to leave Washington and take a tour of the country. When he returned, Carter decided to tell it like it was – and boy, don’t Americans love a “talking to”. In what became known as his “Crisis of Confidence”, or “Malaise”, speech, Jimmy Carter addressed the loss of American industry. But instead of offering answers, he asked America to admit its best days were behind it and to look to the promise of the future. What an inspiration. Carter’s honesty was stirring, but it began the downfall of his national appeal. Sixteen months before the next election, he’d already handed the Republicans the White House.

Andrew Johnson Turns The Reconstruction Into An Uncomfortable Holiday Dinner

Okay, let’s get one thing straight: you become President after the guy who gave the Gettysburg Address, and it’s your job to unite the country after a bloody, destructive civil war. Not easy. Nobody would’ve wanted to be Andrew Johnson in 1865. That said, he didn’t really help his case with his outspoken class resentment towards the rich. Yes, he took the unpopular position of pardoning many Southerners involved with the Confederate Army. But, his point of view was one of compassion and understanding. Of course, those whom he didn’t pardon like rich, landowning Southern industrialists who served high rank in the Confederacy didn’t take too kindly to his repossession and selling of their land to the pardoned. Oh by the way, they also stood trial. Ooooh… awkward. And, let’s not forget the unbearable scrutiny that Johnson exacted on the South through Black Laws, Union occupation, and limited democratic elections. Just a little bit resent 152 years later? Nah. Just ask my family from Virginia who are preaching the rise of The New World Order.

Richard Nixon takes a long vacation

It’s funny how ten years ago, the old adage was “Well, he can’t be worse than Nixon.” But, oh, how naive we were as a country. Indeed, Nixon’s resignation was not only a black mark on his presidency, but – not unlike The Clinton Sex Scandal – it took a man who was supposed to be immortal and made him common. Richard Nixon didn’t want to make friends as a politician, he just wanted to be President. But even the most scrupulous of politicians still forget to hire the best PR team. In another eye-brow raising prologue to W.‘s own lack of finesse, Nixon was caught red-handed. And everybody in Washington wanted a piece of the guy. So, he chose to bow out, before his involvement in America’s most famous case of election fraud got too intense. Perhaps a less paranoid man wouldn’t have gotten caught. But also, maybe he would’ve made one less appearances on Laugh-In.

George W. Bush... kind of sad that that's all I need to say

We could focus on all the negatives. Limited funding to stem cell research. 9/11. The War on Terror. Iraq. No Child Left Behind. The Clean Air Act. Abu-Ghraid. 3 Attorney Generals. 2 Secretaries of State. 2 Secretaries of Defense.

But, let’s be honest. We just want to watch a bunch of funny clips of this guy and wait it out until the election next week.