Picking the Perfect First Animal

Eagle

This one seems so obvious, I can’t really be certain that a past President hasn’t already done it. I can assure you, however, that my first eagle would follow wherever I went and sit on a perch next to me at press conferences. You ask a smart ass question, I answer it by throwing a dead mouse at you. Game on.

Amphibious Tigers

Aside from being my first pet and trusted advisor on key political matters, I’d also ship a gross of these aquatic nightmares to the Navy, thus rendering the SEALs program obsolete once and for all.

Unicorn

The President has to think big folks. I realize that unicorns may or may not have ever actually existed. Regardless, I’d bring in Peter Jackson and his WETA crew, have them turn a white stallion into the real deal for me, and reward his efforts by making him head of the newly-formed Department of Magical Awesomeness & Rainbow Hugs.

T-Rex

As President, I would push scientists further than anyone has ever dared to — re-animated dinosaurs WOULD be a reality. In which case the first pet would be a T-Rex, and might very well replace the eagle as our national symbol for freedom. On top of it all, I would patent the dinosaur-creation process and watch the fresh capital roll in from investors. But they would only get the formula for the gentle giants like Stegosaurus, Triceratops, and Brontosaurs. The only T-Rex in existence would be mine, and I’d crush any fool that thought good to bring back Velociraptors.

Bloodhound

What? I just think they’re cute, OK?

Burned Koala

A lot of these fluffy little guys were injured in Australia's recent wildfires. We would be BFF with Australia if our president saved one. Look at the little guy in the water! I want to rescue him.

Pink Dolphin

I can't believe this didn't come to mind first. It's pink so it's unique and it's a dolphin so it's smarter than George Bush!

(Another) Goat

This is actually a picture of Old Whiskers, the billy goat belonging to the grandchildren of Benjamin Harrison. You might have to upgrade the cart with some 1-inch bulletproof glass, but otherwise this would be no less awesome today than it was back then.

Check out more first pets of years past over at The Presidential Pet Museum Online

Army of Tarantulas

As much as I detest spiders in general, they would have their uses when it comes to international politics. For example, I’d make sure each of my Secret Service members had a tarantula in both jacket pockets whenever we were visiting a third world or European country. When the leader of said country had a hard time seeing the U.S.‘s point of view (read: the only one that matters), I’d have my agents start dropping these furry little bastards all over the place. Given the high degree of belief in sorcery and dark magic in these places, I would then convince those leaders that I had placed a curse on them that and refuse to lift it until they started seeing things my way.

Crocodiles

OK, so maybe these wouldn’t be considered as “official” first pets. That doesn’t mean we still wouldn’t need them to inhabit the gigantic moat I created between us and Canada.

Tricyle-Riding Grizzly Bear

Because really, it makes just about as much sense as anything else we do in this country.

Anteater

This would be my not-so-subtle way of letting today’s youth know that I “get them” and this crazy thing they refer to as “The Internets.”

Great White Shark

Just the idea of having a great white shark in back of the White House would freak people out. Think of the power it would have too, when you had to consult with someone who made an ill-advised move that resulted in bad press for the country. “Come on Eric, take a walk with me. I want to introduce you to my new pet…” If knowing that you were one more misstep away from being fed to a Great White by the leader of the free world, odds are you’d straighten your shit out real quick.

Madagascar Hissing Cockroach

I like the idea of having the Obama girls walking these around on little tiny leashes.

Horse-riding-Lions

Seriously, whose going to mess with our president when he has a stable full of horses and a troop of man eating jockeys?

Iguana

They’re low-maintenance and won’t shed on the White House carpets.