The Drunken Tourist: Portland's Best and Worst Bars

This small (and I mean TINY[funny how to emphasize tiny I actually made the letters bigger…ironic, I suppose]) doughnut shop is open late into the night, like 2AM. Their offerings include regular doughnuts topped with “exotic” things like Cap’n Crunch and Cocoa Puffs. Their signature offering is a doughnut shaped like a person, stuffed with jam and served with a pretzel stick for voodooing.

As an added bonus, you can get married there after you meet the man or woman or man/woman of your dreams next door at the drag show.

This out of the way spot is the kind of place that you feel pretty cool just for knowing about. It’s small, with a stage in the back where there was a jazz combo playing when I went there. I wouldn’t say I’m “into” jazz, but I found it to be non-offensive. Tug Boat also brews their own beer and have a number of other microbrews on tap. I had the seasonal pumpkin ale and it sure was tasty. This would be a great place for a date, you could settle in to one of the wooden booths along the back wall, away from the music and pull down a game of Scrabble from the shelf. What’s more romantic than Scrabble?

The most memorable part of my visit to the Tug Boat Brewing Company was when the bartender, a cool cat in a cabbie hat, made my friend spit his gum out…into his hand…before he took a sip of beer. Gross and hilarious.

This place was amazing. They had a Jenga game that was almost as tall as me!

Besides that, the Triple Nickel, in the hip SouthEast Portland neighborhood had cheap drinks, lots of pool tables and what looked like enough dartboards for some kind of Olympic tournament. They also had a Spider Man pinball game that no one in my party got to try out because there was a pinball wizard on it for an hour.

A variety of beers on tap and laid back crowd definitely endeared me to the Triple Nickel Pub.

Though corny at first sight and certainly lacking in ambiance (OMG, there were KIDS EVERYWHERE), this place had good beer, that they make themselves, and even better chili, served with warm and fluffy garlicky bread. Even with my carb aversion, I could not help but indulge and it was totally worth it. The perfect accompaniment to my honey citrus wheat beer. My ass should be grateful that I don’t live anywhere near this place. Oh, yum.

On the recommendation of a local bartendress with an adorable haircut, we checked out the East End. Small upstairs with a deep downstairs where loud indie bands (locally grown and just passing through) play loudly. There’s a photobooth upstairs and friendly cute people. Even on Sundays!

The uneducated tourist that I was, when I first walked in to the Shanghai Tunnel bar that I had heard good things about I thought “Oh weird, this is it?” because it was small and there were only 2 or 3 people at the short bar. I did the thing where you order a specialty fruity drink just because the vaguely Oriental decor makes you think you ought to. It wasn’t great and I was thinking this place was kind of mediocre.

Then, lo and behold, we found the downstairs! One of the bigger bars we went to in Portland, it was spacious with pinball machines and hotties galore. And the Gin & Tonic that I switched to was more than adequate.

This adorable restaurant in Southeast Portland has a covered and heated patio, CHEAP wine (by the glass and the bottle) and a quaintly sophisticated menu. We had a bottle of syrah and some brie with hazelnuts for les than $5 a person. The service wasn’t great, but as long as they bring the wine quickly, you probably won’t notice or mind. And supposedly the house is haunted, so maybe stick to the patio…

$10 for a glass of bad wine? What is this, Los Angeles?

It was Halloween when we went here and there was a waiter in a furry vest and a fog machine. Though, these things didn’t seem nearly out of place enough for my taste. Yuck.

Also, the name is kind of gross if you think about it too much.

I have thoroughly and easily decided that Denny’s is not good, but sometimes you just want to eat late at night after exploring new bars. So you find a Denny’s on an iPhone and take the 2 mile hike. You see the sign, hopeful and hungry. Then…

THE DENNY’S IS CLOSED.

Denny’s are NOT allowed to close! That’s the only reason anyone goes there, right? RIGHT?

Downstairs is a restaurant that wants to be fancy, where we did not eat. Upstairs is a bevy of pool tables that also purport to be fancy, but are in worse shape than the ones I’ve seen at the Holiday Inn. Eh.

I had an truly awful eating experience here. So bad that I can’t, in fact, bring myself to write about it. It was just too traumatic. Trust me, AVOID THE DOUG FIR UNLESS YOU LIKE ATTITUDE WITH YOUR PANCAKES.

I didn’t actually go inside this place, but was tempted to as I walked by on my way to another bar that I also didn’t go inside (because it was closed). But as we passed by, asking directions to the other bar, the nice Portland people outside tried to tempt us inside by assuring us the Beer was Cold. I don’t know, maybe the beer is usually warm in Portland?

Anyway, from what I could tell, it appeared to be pretty happening on a Friday night. The music was raucous and the crowd was excited to be there, for sure.

This bar was a few doors down from the motel where I stayed. The first night we stumbled in after exhausting last call down the street, so we figured they’d be closed since it was about 1:45. However, as luck would have it, some awesome folks were working who served us 2 cocktails and a half pint of beer! They told us to pound them and took away the glasses shortly after 2, but it was great.

Then we went back the next night and the girl working there wouldn’t even stay open for daylight savings time! That was LAME.

Kelly’s Olympian was pretty cheesy with motorcycles hanging from the ceiling and a lot of neon. But there was an adorable bartender who told me about a few of the places that made the “Best” list, so I can’t completely discounted.