Be Paris Hilton's BFF! (A Seattlites Guide)
by Dead C - November 13, 2008
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Have you seen this latest disaster of a reality show where people are desperately trying get Paris Hilton to be friends with them? Catfights and crying fits only go so far, so I tried to brave a marathon and view the websites to find out the clues for those of you who still have dreams of kicking it with the cool kids. If you are a Seattlite, I have some locations to help get you started. Sorry, could not do it. I could not watch another episode but I was able gather some info. This list is compiled from a mix of the qualifications that Paris claims are important to her on the program and the qualifications that she has shown may actually be necessary to become her "BFF" based on her public track record.
Always Be Camera Ready
In Episode 3 Paris tells everyone that they always need to be camera ready in any situation. Here’s Paris, always the off the cuff model, putting the pap back in paparazzi.
Everyone on “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” are given Black Berry’s when they arrive. Get with it folks!
Date A Twin
So you’ve decided to get serious with a guy, but what is Paris supposed to do? She’s used to being able to steal her BFF’s boyfriends at will. Here’s the solution: “Date a Twin”. Now you get to keep your husband and Paris still gets to feel like she’s fornicating with him on some level.
The added benefit with twins like the Madden’s is that there is a level playing field. All 4 of you can go out on a double date and there won’t be any awkward silences due to the feelings that someone at the table might actually be famous for having a legitimate talent.
No Panties.... ever!
Just like Paris, her BFF’s like Brit Brit and Lindsay know that panties are so 50 IQ points ago.
Red Door
3401 Evanston Ave N Unit Main, Seattle, WA 98103
Get drunk and leave with a strange dude.
Get drunk and leave with a strange dude.
Get Arrested & Drive Wrecklessly
Nicole, Lindsay, and Paris have all been arrested for traffic violations. How are you supposed to compete and stay in the conversation if you’ve never been prosecuted for endangering the lives of others with vehicles that cost more than their homes?
Piece of Mind Fremont
315 N 36th St Ste A, Seattle, WA 98103
It’s a head shop. Buy your vaporizer here.
It’s a head shop. Buy your vaporizer here.
Daddy Issues
I know this isn’t an option for everyone, but having a famous dad helps. Paris is an heiress and friends like Kimberly Stewart (pictured) and Nicole Richie have famous songbird fathers that have worked hard to make a living in the music industry. Their wreckless behavior is twice as powerful because it tarnishes their whole families image and shows their fathers what they have learned from their distant parenting and promiscuity.
Get a Movie Deal
You may have to start out making your own home demo video. Make sure to leave it out in the open to be found by those who may be motivated to distribute it.
Sure they are movie and reality stars now but sometimes you have to start off in “low budget” “reality” films of your own to get started.
Verizon Wireless
1314 4th Ave Ste 308, Seattle, WA 98101
Pick up your Black Berry here.
Pick up your Black Berry here.
Coach Store the
417 University St, Seattle, WA 98101
Get yourself an over priced handbag. Preferably one that can be identified from afar as expensive by the repeated stamping of it’s logo all over it like a sheet of blotter acid.
Get yourself an over priced handbag. Preferably one that can be identified from afar as expensive by the repeated stamping of it’s logo all over it like a sheet of blotter acid.
Bebe
600 Pine St Ste 305, Seattle, WA 98101
Designer fashions Paris has endorsed herself.
Designer fashions Paris has endorsed herself.
Always look hot
Paris has stated repeatedly on the program that it’s important to always look hot. How else is she supposed to utter her famous co-opted catch phrase if there’s nothing hot around her?
Act Like A Drunk Ho
On episode 2 Paris sends contestants to the club for a “Party Like Paris” challenge where they proceed to act like skanks and get trashed until they puke. Former Paris BFF, Tara Reid, was the queen of this but…what’s with the panties? Tara must have gotten a little too drunk and put some on.
Remember guys, the best way to act like a drunk ho is to not have to act at all.
Big Glasses
Paris and all her friends wear these big ass shades. These are great for your late night clubbing hangovers and even better for avoiding eye contact due to your guilty, guilty shame.
Remember to accessorize in general. Paris has learned that her accessories will detract from other imperfections such as having the cranial bone structure of an emaciated bird. The bigger the better. You want to cover as much of your actual traits as possible, and cover them with pure fashion.
Have some weed
This is footage of Paris in Amsterdam learning to use a vaporizer.
If you want to be best friends with anyone that smokes weed, it helps to have some to kick down.
Okay, panties.....sometimes
I know I said “no panties” but you’re gonna have to use your own judgement and common sense sometimes. It’s alright to wear under garments if they are being worn as your main ensemble.
Derby Salon
6315 Roosevelt Way Ne, Seattle, WA 98115
You’re gonna need to get waxed ladies and this is the place to go.
You’re gonna need to get waxed ladies and this is the place to go.
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