Stay Out Of Malibu!

This chain of cutesy sounding cafes is a TOTAL disappointment. The food is totally bland and unexciting. That being said, the place is still pretty popular with ladies who lunch. Now there’s two reasons to stay away.

Did I also mention the closest Target is in Culver City?!?! Even Costa Mesa (one of the richest cities in Orange County) has a Target for crying out loud. How snobby can you get?

I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t enjoy being in close proximity to an institute of undergraduate education. Especially when this institute happens to be a private one. Do you I really want to see a bunch of spoiled kids driving cars that are worth more than all my assets combined? Not really, no.

Now, what’s worse that seeing mentally unstable stars buying $300 jeans? Seeing them in rehab! Malibu probably has more rehab centers per square mile than any other city in the world. So unless you’re trying to bag yourself an overly skinny star who hangs out with Kate Moss, but definitely doesn’t do coke, and who is just in the rehab center because of being overtired, then you might want to stay away.

While it may sound cliche, Malibu is actually crawling with surfer dudes. And at first, you’ll be like I totally want to hang out with a bunch of surfer guys! But in reality, you don’t. Because unless you work out with Madonna’s trainer, you’ll probably feel not so good about yourself after hanging out with a bunch of people that have awesome tans and washboard abs. So you might want to avoid surf shops and most, if not all, beaches.

When I was kid, I used to come here all the time with my family, and everyone thought it was delish. However, as time went by Coogies got less and less tasty, until one day we decided the restaurant was dead to us and we never went back. My theory? The cook decided it was time to flee the ’Bu.

Unless you’re dying to try on overpriced clothes and see train wrecks like Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan in person, you should REALLY stay away from this place. Now that I think about, putting pictures of all these stars on the company website is sort of a deterrent. Do I really want to look like someone who’s borderline mentally ill, has made multiple trips to rehab (we’ll get to that later), or has made a sex tape? Let me think about that for a second.

This seafood restaurant it seriously overrated. Sure, you get to sit right on the ocean while you eat, but the high prices and mediocre tasting food do not make it worth it. Plus, do you really want to eat at a place that also sells t-shirts? I didn’t think so. If you happen to find yourself hungry and disoriented in Malibu and can’t remember how to get to Santa Monica, do not start to panic, and stay calm. You can get pretty good quality seafood for about half the price at Malibu Seafood.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll have a foodgasm over good sushi. And my opinion nothing could be worse than tempting yourself by hanging out within close proximity of Nobu. Seriously, there’s no point in putting yourself through the misery of sushi envy. And Lord knows you don’t want to give in to temptation and drop a couple hundred bucks on dinner. So unless you’re a ninja master when it comes to self control, steer clear of all things Nobu.