A Guide on Douchebags (since we all need to be warned.)
- by chelsea
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- August 25, 2008
(56)
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check out my take on the “environmental” douche; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gPfQEnnuUk it’s in official competition in the Cannes Lions Ad contest. So if you dig it, spread the good word :D
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Excellent Work! I tip my hat to your wisdom on this subject! Some spin-off breeds in my area are the snotty Travel Douche (who hates America and pretends to be European…), as well as the Grammar Douche (who uses big words to sugarcoat their tiny ideas). And ‘MidtownSurprise’
-your comment beneath mine about the one-upper douche is so freakin’ true! Anyhow, thanks for making me smile :)
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My favorite comment in this was, “Really great ‘air drumming’ is a douche waiting to emerge.” I would say you forgot the “One upper douche”. No matter what you say, he/she always has a better story or has done whatever you have done but to a higher level or more often.
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Hahahahahahahahaha
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25 cent buffalo wings rule!!!!!
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Here’s a great vid for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fad6eZTDikA
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what about the theme park douche bag (six flags, disneyland…)
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here’s me and you: http://www.sfwchan.com/pics/42073593.gif
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Glad you included hot chicks with douchebags… Joey Porsche Experience is quite something to behold, neh, Chelsea?
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awesome
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Hysterical comments. I love when people are “so” uninterested in your “shitty” guide that they sign up for guidespot just to write you countless comments. Good work dear.
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Saw a douche this weekend… The douche that wears no shirt while he is driving in his car (alone mind you)…. Then pulls a u-turns and GAWKS at a woman who is jogging… Then speeds up so his tires squeal, and then blares his music as he make s a heated right-turn… oh baby, oh baby oh… you are really turning me on.
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Which kind wears his sunglasses on the back of his head? That’s the kind I really can’t stand.
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All these heated commenter boys deep down must be super bothered that they’re type is being bashed on. Its gotta be pretty heartbreaking to realize that girls actually catch on to their ‘great’ tactics. And if they haven’t, that they soon will after reading this… How about the pessimistic douche bag? The kind who acts like nothings worth it, and you’re just another girl to kill his time..
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Well I have to say this was very funny, sounds like some of these guys found this guide hitting a little to close to home. Cracks me up!
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Don’t forget MetroSexual Douche. This guy hangs out at Central Market, Whole Foods and Starbucks and had his manicurist on speed dial. He spends more time getting ready in the morning than you do, and “Do I look fat in this?” has crossed his lips. He claims he’s not gay, but there is a lot of room for doubt.
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The Fem Douche: “needs to face the facts of life or start dating fat/ugly guys who out of desperation will kneel to her every need.” hehe! actually, that’s just what we do. Then, after we break them, we blame them for breaking! I’ve come up w/ a new one: “Troll Douche.” This is me. This type sits in her bedroom hitting “refresh” on her browser while her chicken defrosts. sickening.
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Fem Douche: This is the only type of Douche that is exclusively female. This brand of Douche thinks they are sooooo much better and more deserving then all other Douches and can be found writing articles criticizing Douches and stating how much better they are. This type of Douche needs to face the facts of life or start dating fat/ugly guys who out of desperation will kneel to her every need.
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i think it’s awesome that people are hating on you coz you have pop sociology in your genes. Your crime is enjoying typography. ooo, Sociology Douche: Can’t stop pointing out how every behavior you have is just the result of the institutions with which you interact! Bach Douche: uses the word “contrapuntal.” (I don’t think that last one counts, hehe)
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Uh, hi – I’m here for the free pizza.
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ex-mormon douchebag: makes you read “The Ethical Slut.” Thinks he wants to explore polyamory but really just wants to be able to emotionally and sexually control his woman. Like his daddy did.
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I happen to be an intellectual douchebag, so I’m really getting a kick out of these responses. lolz
OMG, the word ‘douchebag’ is not in my spellchecker.
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“John Mayer is a TOTAL DOUCHE.” There, FIFY.
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You might want to add the granola douche or the easily offended douche (aka no sense of humor douche).
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Oh, but just to be clear, I did enjoy the humor and found the article hilarious… even if a bit inaccurate and silly. I think I fall into the Eco Douche, as I guess I do care about the environment and the well-being of people and animals. Didn’t know that was a “DOUCHE” thing, but hey… it’s still funny.
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There has to be a name for the Douche who mocks/ridicules other people and stands falsely and self-righteously above and beyond those he or she condemns. I’ve coined this “THE RE-DOUCHE.” I almost went with Double-Douche, but I think RE-Douche captures it better, because the only sense of identity that person has is in the mocking and ridiculing of other people.
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Automatically thinking “It takes one to know one” Is ignorant and just plain unintelligent. Someone had to list them out. Nice work Chelsea.
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I was pretty sure I invented the word “Douchebaggery” a couple years ago. I forgot the situation in which this glorious sound first spouted forth from my mouth, but rest assured it was a perfect fit. This is the first time it’s ever been seen in writing though. Next time I’m buying a copyrite.
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Hah! I’m not a douchebag! Nowhere on the list are any of my traits described. HUGE weight lifted off my chest. I’m neither buff nor particularly intellectual and I possess absolutely no musical talent. I recycle though, so is that going to be a problem? I do counter it with a nice juicy steak afterwards…but I put the bone in the compost…oh god! Noooooo!
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Obviously written by a douchebag. She must know her subject well.
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Just had to tell you – this guide cracked me up! All I can say is well done.
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Are there some interests that are relatively douche-free? For example, is there such a thing as sports douche?
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Your future, Mme. Chelsea: You will sort out all “douches” (people outside your narrow spectrum). The sad average creature you will finally pick will be allowed to inseminate you, buy you a car and a house. And you will mock him for the rest of his life for of all the things he is not. That being said – enjoy your life. Just do everyone a favor and stop writing. Thank you. That will be all.
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It’s not without irony that someone who tries so hard to point out how men are annoying, shallow creatures shows just how shallow she is herself. The despising comments about “heavy books”; about “just drinking black coffee”? Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. “Urgh; he’s reading/ making music/ working out – run like hell!” (Yeah; I do all these things, so I’m a multi-douche)
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(400 character comment limit? Oh boy. Snip snip snip … :) The author grabbed a few stock photos, attached stereotyped bits of text to them and now accepts the foreseeable applause from people who “know all these guys” and “have been through this”. Yeah – on your TV set, a safe substitute for the complicated mess that is real life. How old are you; seventeen?
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This was the lousiest little piece I have read in a long time (and coming here from digg, that means a lot). And that’s not because it “hits too close to home” (it covers about any male on the planet anyway, which seems to be the punchline). It’s just that this “guide” oozes sloppy thinking, sloppy writing and poor attempts at humor (not to mention the retarded layout). In a word: fail.
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This was an awesome list, especially since I’ve met at least one of each variety. The musician douche is the worst, but he is sometimes accompanied by the “lovable” douche. He will make tons of jokes (often physical humor), and will get on everybody’s good side in public. After getting to know them though, you will find them easily irritable and unable to be wrong – often criticizing your thoughts
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Maybe I forgot category of, “Sensitive Douche??” BTW- I LOVE MEN. A LOT. Cheers to you all for your “constructive criticism.” Word.
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And for the record- if you AREN’T a douche, you see the comedy in this guide.
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Wow, the Diggtards sure got their angry up over this one. Fantastic guide Chelsea, no matter what these douches say.
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I signed up just to call you a stupid bitch.
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Since I’m sure you weren’t quite clever enough to see the irony in my comment, I must point out that you fall into the category of Critic Douche. I’m also aware of the comments that would be in retort, such as “Did I hit a little too close to home?” and others like it. Don’t waste your time, that’s just evading your own issue, which is what critics are best at, pointing their fingers at others.
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You forgot the Critic Douche. This is the douche who does something very simple, such as pointing out an obvious quality or behavior in others or in some aspect of life and lambasting them for it. This douche believes that they are clever and witty, a quality which relates them closely to the pseudo-intellectual douche and the elitist douche. This douche has no real skills and can only complain.
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Chelsea are you by chance maybe a lesbian? This guide has lesbian written all over it.. Just the fact that you wrote this horrible horrible guide makes your fail at life.
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Don’t forget the Actor/Theatre Douchebag. They are convinced they’re sex on legs and that they’re going to be rich and famous! Tend to turn everything into some form of physical joke, usually homosexual, and critique every movie/TV show and play to pieces. The other Douche to avoid is the Ren Faire Douche…the guy who dresses up as either a Knight, King, Peasant or Pirate on weekends.
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And wow. Amazingly, by writing this article, you have become a douche.
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Nice article but i must say: Awful layout. It took me a while to find out that the columns were back and forthish, and even then I couldn’t follow it. Or is it my browser (safari).. .doesnt seem like it’s the browser’s fault…??
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Here’s a guy who should be at the top of the douchebag list.
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Ricer douche, related to gangsta douche. Drives a honda civic and thinks that they are driving a race car and ownes a copy of fast the the furious.
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This guide is must read — totally!
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you said it Chubbi. This guide is a vicious attack on men everywhere!
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I’m thinking you’ve come across Hot Chicks With Douchebags Chelsea? Because you’d totally be into it, I can see it happening… coincidentally, I think I possess about 85% of the traits you’ve listed below, but I can totally see putting a percentage on it being a douchebag sort of thing.
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Chels, you have expertly and fantastically covered them all.
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