MY DEFINITION OF DOUCHE:

Douche is like an endless salad bar of accouterments, douche is multifaceted word and I’ll have to give you a breakdown

Douchebags are like little boys on Halloween, they make be playing dress up in one of their many suits- but at the end of the day, stripped to the buff- underneath it all is a Douchebag.

Rich Douche

The Rich Douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at a dinner table, while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich Douche’s usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’d have a greyhound and would think pubs were for Irish invalids, take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry.

How to avoid the Rich Douche:

• Stay away from gated communities.
• Be wary of loafers.
• Quesiton anyone who’s Mother’s name is; Candy, Muffin, Vivian or Buffy.
• Skip the summer house.
• Country clubs are a NO. NO.
• Golf wear.
• Prep schools.
• Frat houses
• Anyone who’s friends with the cast of The Hills is a high alert douche warning. 

Gym Douche

You’ve seen this guy. As a matter of fact, these are the easiest ones to detect. The muscles and the hair gel usually give them away. Gym Douche can even be detected from a car, bumper stickers that say “NO FEAR!” or have some little kid pissing on something will usually don their trucks, or shiny black cars with ridiculous rims. Gym Douche will tell you you need to do squats and won’t enjoy your Grandma’s cooking when he meets the family. Gym Douche like Girl Gym Douches who wear makeup and hoop earrings while running on the treadmill, and lipsynching Madonna

How to avoid the Intellectual Douche

• Don’t take any classes that involve; philosophy, latin, classics, chemistry or linguistics of any sort.
• Not matter what you do, DO NOT hit on the barista
• Stop eyeing the dude at the library
• Question him if he’s drinking brandy or enjoys gin.
• If he’s constantly quoting; Nietzsche, Jean-Paul Sartre, and Immanuel Kant.
• Be wary of heavy books and big bags.
• He tells you he’s currently, “finding his religion.”

Musician Douche

THESE ARE THE WORST KIND. Because they use their fancy fingers, and fancy voices and their fancy fancy HAIR to make you think they’re not douchey. They write lovey little ditties and fool you into thinking you’ve found a “sensitive one” one that will love you when eat too much pie and will let you be neurotic and imperfect and won’t mind when you stop wearing so much mascara. THEN. The true colors shine through…..and you realize those little ditties…..were JUST LITTLE DITTIES. There was no meaning, there was no depth? He’s still a man. Musician Douche almost always has an easy rebound waiting in the wings. Musician Douche is LETHAL. Not to mention Musician Douche can then write beautiful hate songs about you, that will leave everyone feeling sorry for his poor. little. heart. You bitch.

How to avoid a Gangsta Douche

• Liquor stores
• Clubs bumping Top 40 rap artists; T.I., 50 Cent, Young Jeezy or Lil Wayne.
• He has an alarming collection of Nike Dunks
• Matching sweat suits- MAJOR WARNING. As are patterend hoodies.
• He drives an Escalade
• He travels in a pack. i.e. entourage.
• You’ve seen him buying Swishers
• Stay away from anywhere with All You Can Eat ribs.
• Avoid hip hip battles, dancers, graffiti artists, PRODUCERS, and MC’s

DOUCHEBAGS, I WILL EXPOSE YOU.

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Poor Douche

Just as bad as rich douche, though in a different way. Poor douche usually plays some sort of victim role which involves “hating ‘The Man’” or “The System.” Poor douche takes advantage of his Mother and then takes advantage of his chick. Poor douche eats entirely too much pizza and plays entirely too much Halo with the boys and almost never cleans his bathroom. Poor Douche never picks up the tab, and usually has you buy your own liquor that he will proceed to get drunk off of. Poor Douche thinks Rich Douche is worse than him, but really…they are one in the same- one just isn’t overdrawn.

How to avoid Poor Douche

• Never fall for a pickup line at a convenience store
  
• Meeting on a “smoke break”
  
• Question the guy who lives at home with Ma
  
• Stay away from bars with 25 cent buffalo wings
  
• Bars with beer pong, bad choice.
  
• Don’t hit on the guy playing video games at the arcade. If he isn’t poor he’s 14.
  
• Get out of Walmart

How to avoid the Gym Douche

• Get out of the gym, try yoga instead.
• GNC
• Anywhere that has “protein powder” and smoothies, usually has Gym Douches.
• Stay away from loud grunting noises.
• Worry if you see a man in a black tank top and some sort of tribal tattoo.
• The guy winking at you from the window of his Dodge, is probably headed to the gym.
• If he starts the conversation with….,”My body is a temple….”
• His idol is The Rock.

Intellectual Douche

Will almost always make you feel like an idiot by saying something patronizing like, “…well you wouldn’t know anything about that…” Intellectual douche will definitely say something snarky about your lattes or your affinity for Half-n-Half while he drinks a sh*tty cup of black coffee and looks pensive. Intellectual Douche will also make fun of you if you enjoy Rihanna.

How to avoid Musician Douche

• Never ever date a guy who has a band. Band member, band practice- band ANYTHING.
  
• Stay away from guys with Band t-shirts
  
• He mentions LOVING Coldplay
  
• SHOWS- any and all shows, if he is a frequent concert goer, watch out.
  
• Avoid Guitar Center
  
• He lives in; Seattle, Los Angeles, New York, Austin or Nashville.
  
• Really great “air drumming” is a douche waiting to emerge.
  
• He has a Jim Morrison poster on his wall. A POSTER.
  
• 24 hr coffee shops. DOUBLE WHAMMY- Intellectual Douches crawl here also.

Gangsta Douche

Will listen to entirely too much bad rap and call you “Gurl” or “Woman.” Gangsta Douche will generally have sketchy text messages from “other chicks” and will roll entirely too many blunts, while watching 106 and Park. Gangsta Douche should chill out on the cubic zirconium. Gangsta Douche will choose “his boys” first, almost ALWAYS, so just forget it…..at least until you’re his baby mama.

I'd like some audience participation

The douche varities are endless really…..those listed above are simply the ones that I have personally encountered, made out with, dated and attempted LOVING. So, yes- I speak from bad decision making and clearly bad judgement.

WHAT TYPE OF D-BAGS DO YOU KNOW???? AND HOW, OH HOW- CAN I AVOID THEM?!