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Obama vs. McCain, Steel Cage Death Match
- by elguapo
- -
- September 21, 2009
(11)
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I saw a video the other day of Russian Prime Minister Vlad Putin doing ridiculous judo moves in what appeared to be some type of weird instructional propaganda video. In any case, it got me thinking, would our next president be able to hold his own in a street fight against other world leaders? The third presidential debate takes place tonight, but if it's anything like the first two debates we're certainly not going to find out anything new tonight. My suggestion is scrap the third debate. Instead replace it with a no holds barred, steal cage death match. Honestly, is there a better way to elect our next president than through a battle of hand-to-hand combat? Check out the guide below to see how the two candidates would stack up...
(1) Nickname
Obama: Stefan Urquelle. Remember Stefan? He was the suave alter ego that Steve Urkle would transform into after drinking “cool juice,” an elixir Urkle invented in order to get into the pants of hottie neighbor, Laura Winslow. Of course the cool juice only had a temporary effect and Urquelle would change back into Urkle after about a week’s time, or the completion of a 22-minute episode, whichever came first.
Barack Obama, with his smooth talking and dashing good looks is pretty much Stephan Urquelle trying to get into the pants of the American electorate. Sure he seems all cool now, but wait until the cool juice runs out one week into the presidency and Barack transforms back into uber-nerd, Barry Obama.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Obama just as much as the next, ultra-liberal, funny T-shirt wearing Obamaniac, but I just question whether taking a page right out of Family Matters handbook is a good strategy to win the right to become the next leader of the free world.
Runner-up nickname: The Iron Sheik. So what if it’s not original. It’s fitting. The dude’s middle name is Hussein for Christ sake, and I’m about 99% sure that Obama’s a Muslim.
McCain: Grandpa McMaverick Pants
He’s old. He’s Mavericky. He loves pants. Nuff said
Advantage: Arbiter of fair play, says this one is close but tie goes to the tall nerdy guy.
(2) More Intimidating Game Face
McCain: You gotta give him credit. Gramps has a game face that says “I don’t take crap from nobody” (except maybe Comcast Customer Service).
Obama: I had to scour the Internets for 45 minutes to find a single picture of Mr. Even Keel Obama showing any type of emotion.
Advantage: McCain. This one’s not even close.
(3) Physical Endurance
Obama: Obama is part Kenyan, which helps, as Kenyans have won just about every marathon since like 1972. Unfortunately, Barry also smokes a pack of Marlboro lights a day. No bueno Barry. Don’t you know that stuff will kill you?
McCain: After being tortured for four years in the Hanoi Hilton, this grizzled old war hoagie can endure just about anything (except maybe long movies without taking a pee break).
But some things about McMaverickPants make me wonder about him. Gramps loves to talk about how he hiked the Grand Canyon just last year — a tough feat for anyone let alone a 106-year-old man. But then earlier this summer, McMaverickPants responded to a question about what he does for exercise by saying that “shaking hands on the ropeline is good exercise” Honestly, WTF? Is he serious? That’s not exercise.
This would be like me saying, “to get my exercise, I like to take swims across the English Channel. But when I’m not swimming the Channel, I enjoy a good bubble bath and that’s pretty much the same thing.”
Expert Analysis: Forty years ago when McCain was 66 this would have been no contest. However, serious doubts about the rigorousness of McCain’s current exercise regimen makes this a one tough one. El Guapo has some serious respect for the old geezer’s time in Hanoi, but this one goes to Obama.
Advantage: Urquelle.
(5) Greatest Strength
Obama: 6’6’’ wingspan; can tie shoes without bending over.
McCain: shoots electricity from butt when gets angry.
Expert Analysis: Obama’s long arms would help him score easy jabs on the shorter, less mobile McCain; McCain on the other hand could shoot obama with lightening from his butt.
Advantage: Hello? did you not just hear me say that McCain can shoot lightening out of his butt?? Long arms v. Lightening Butt? Come on. This one’s not even close.
(6) Biggest Weakness
Obama: Inherent Liberal Wussiness
makes Obama highly susceptible to wedgies, swirlies from school yard bully, McCain.
McCain: Osteoporosis
Expert Analysis: McCain’s fragile bones make his vulnerable. Don’t be surprised if you see him break a hip.
Advantage: Obama
(7) Use Of Performance Enhancing Drugs?
Like they say in SEC football, if you’re not cheatin’ you’re not trying hard enough.
I normally don’t condone the use of performance enhancing drugs in sports. However, this is a death match to determine the next leader of the free world, so all rules are off the table. I would hope that both candidates would be smart enough to try to gain the upper hand any way possible.
The question is, would either of these men of high moral rectitude resort to using banned substances?
Obama: Yes
McCain: Yes
Advantage: Draw
(8) Finishing Move
Obama: The C-SPAN Sleeper. He bores you to sleep with wonkish talk about healthcare, economy and energy policy. Then crushes you with stultifying tax hikes once you’ve passed out from boredom.
McCain: The McNoogie. Gramps puts you on his lap, tells you stories about how he used to walk seven miles in the snow to school and then give you noogies until you submit.
Advantage: Obama
(9) What to Watch For
With a comfortable lead in the polls Obama will be playing it pretty close to the vest and most pundits predict this will be a relatively uneventful steel cage death match. For McMaverickPants, on the other hand, this might be his last stand, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we see some fireworks from the old Maverick.
Many pundits believe that if McCain resorts to his bag of Maverick tricks, we may witness a rare move called "the McCaino Volcano”. This is where McCain boils into a fit of rage and spontaneously combusts killing his enemy in the process. Last used by McCain during a 1994 filibuster over pork-barrel spending, this dangerous and unorthodox maneuver may be McMaverickPants best chance at pulling off an upset.
Obama: an Urkle in Urqulle’s clothing?
Preparing for a speech to be given at International Talk Like A Pirate Day
McCain Pumping Iron
(4) Endorsement From Celebrity Tough Guy
Even if you are not a bad-ass yourself you can increase your bad-assness through endorsements from Celebrity Tough Guys. Each candidate has been endorsed by a Class A ass-kicker.
Obama: Hulk Hogan
McCain: Chuck Norris
Expert Analysis: Each of these guys are pretty bad-ass in their own right. Before he was known for having the most dysfunctional family in South Florida, the Hulkster was a seven-time WWF champion, starred in the cage fighting movie No Holds Barred and once body slammed 7’4’’, 500 pound, Andre the Giant to the mat. On the other hand, Celebrity-Ninja Chuck Norris is a black belt in six styles of marshal arts, is proficient with throwing stars, and has his own line of exercise equipment.
Advantage: This one’s close but the edge goes to Obama.
I’m Chuck Norris and I endorse this message
wonk wonk wonk
Luckily, this guy never needs to buy one of those travel neck pillows at the airport.
Grandpa McCain and Ben Franklin reminiscing about “the old days.”
(10) And the Winner Is...
By a score of 4-3-1 Barry stacks up slightly better than the Maverick. However, McCain is a scrappy old hoagie with combat experience. Plus he’s erratic. You never know when he might explode. So he could end up pulling off an upset.
But in the end, Obama’s superior reach and cool demeanor under tough cage match conditions should give him the upper hand in this battle for the White House.
If El Guapo was a betting man, he’d put him money on the geeky guy from Hawaii.
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.jpg "AlexandraF")
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I wish Obama would sport some gladiator spandex….
.jpg "Karey Ann")
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BTW: I second El Guapo for el presidente. No, Karey Ann does not carry any electoral college votes; it’s more of a symbolic thing.
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Oh, crap. We did use that same piture. Damn. Oh well . . . great minds?
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