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Obama Predictions for 2009
- by matt_fried
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- January 17, 2009
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Alright, I admit it - I'm crushing hard on the new President. I mean, he's just so dreamy. But lest we forget, Barack Obama is human. The last two years of this man's life have been very whirlwind. In the process, we may have elevated him to a god-like stature where we expect him to save the world. Maybe we're getting a little carried away. So, to bring us all back down, I'd like to offer up a few predictions for the first year of the Obama Era. Nothing too fancy... he's got Anne Hathaway's phone number, right?
Obama defeats the Sith Lords in Congress
January 2009 – Less than one week after taking office, President Obama is faced by a growing threat in the United States Senate. This resistance is led by Newt Gingrich and Bobby Jindal. Obama and Biden have no choice but to arrive at the Senate personally and be prepared for anything. Before the session can begin, Gingrich ignites his lightsaber and holds the Senate hostage. Obama and Biden spring into action.
First Lady Michelle Obama Hosts A Season of The Bachelor
April 2009 – First Lady Michelle Obama sets aside four weeks to host a very special edition of The Bachelor. In this one, she helps an enterprising, motivated young professional with abandonment issues find a soulmate. The series is a record hit amongst viewers of all backgrounds. In addition to candlelit dinners and walks on the beach, the female contestants participate in voter registration, housing rights arbitration, and chaperoning a group of underprivileged tween girls to a Hannah Montana concert.
President Obama Drinks Pepsi
March 2009 – Pepsi, in an attempt to bail it’s own butt out of the red, agrees to federal endorsement deal with the President. President Obama becomes the new spokesman for Pepsi Cola products while Pepsi agrees to donate 45% of its yearly earnings into public education programs. Things only get weird when they demand to start serving soda, instead of milk, at school breakfast programs.
Congrats to Sasha and Malia - You Are Officially Geniuses
September 2009 – Upon their return to Sidwell Friends for their first full academic year, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee contact Sasha and Malia to inform them that they are officially recognized as unquestionable geniuses. While both Barack and Michelle try to downplay the recognition, the girls are given a lifetime supply of the finest Swish chocolate ever created and two pre-acceptances as Rhodes Scholars.
Ann Coulter Pulls An Imus
After a smear campaign of backhanded insults (like calling our President “B. Hussein Obama”), conservative pundit Ann Coulter gets her come-uppence. June 2009 – while leaving her condominium in New York City, she tells her Dominican doorman “Obama would be proud of you.” After years of being stiffed on holiday tips, the doorman calls Page Six and Coulter is slandered as an out-and-out racist. After losing her book deal and lucrative contracts, she re-locates to Canada to become the hostess at a T.G.I. Fridays.
The George W. Bush TV Network
August 2009 – In an attempt to make him feel “kinda better” about the last eight years, President Obama lets George Bush run his own TV network – GWBTV. After a successful first month of programming, including W.‘s novelty talk show “Golfing with Junior”, the network crashes and burns. The cause? Being swindled out of the network’s budget for the broadcasting rights to “Kentucky Fried Movie”.
Happy Thanksgiving, America - we found Osama
November 2009 – Up late at work one night, Obama sniffs a weird odor in The Oval Office. After searching his desk, he finds a moldy waffle breakfast left in a drawer by former President Bush. While disgusting, Obama also finds an invoice stuck to the bottom of the plate. It reads “Mr. President, we found him.” After a quick trace analysis and backlogging, the United States government captures Osama bin Laden in Vancouver, B.C. He had spent the last three years disguised as a fireworks dealer. The news breaks on Thanksgiving morning. President Obama is officially elevated to the level of an American hero. Elsewhere, former President Bush kicks himself – that waffle could really hit the spot right now.
Merry Christmas, Mr. President!
It’s official – Barack Obama knows Santa Claus. December 2009 – World peace happens.
The highly successful Unicorn Bailout of February 2009
February 2009 – Following the economic bailout passed in January, Obama struggles to negotiate with the Big 3 auto industry. With his back against the wall, President Obama threatens a hold-out, to which lobbyists reply, “Yeah? Like what, buddy?” Using his mystical powers of Elvish, President Obama meets with the Leader of The Unicorn Colonies to strike a deal between the civilizations. This tactic leads to the re-election slogan “A chicken in every pot. A unicorn to transports your dreams anywhere.”
Obama Defeats The Mighty Orcs of The Middle East
June 2009 – With a sudden influx of support from the U.N. and enough funds for one last stand, President Obama leads troops into battle against every single terrorist organization that has ever existed at Baghdad. After 36 hours of grueling battle, the terrorists offer a unilateral surrender. Obama wins The War On Terror. Iran agrees to dismantle its nuclear arms program in exchange for money to reboot its long-devastated economy. Several folk songs are composed of the “Brave Obama” that live for millenia after his death.
America Becomes #1 at Beer Pong
In a quirky parallel to national reaction to The New Deal, Americans start drinking again to celebrate their employment. By December 2009, beer pong is recognized as the new national pastime. President Obama campaigns the Olympic Committee to recognize it as a sport. Across the nation, America’s overgrown frat boys attack life with a new vigor.
Kenan Weighs In
Kenan Thompson greets President Obama via the Refresh Everything campaign from Pepsi.
Refresh Everything
Upload a video greeting to President Obama with a short wish list of your agenda! It looks pretty cool.
The First Dog Helps The Washington Redskins Win The Super Bowl
October 2009 – After a depressing 1-4 start, the Washington Redskins already start playing for a top draft pick. That is, until the First Dog rushes the field to catch an inside slant thrown by quarterback Jason Campbell. A la Air Bud: Golden Receiver, The First Mutt helps the team improve to 2-4, before making a serious playoff run and a Super Bowl appearance. The pooch’s feisty attitude and “Yes, We Can” spirit helps the team clinch its first Super Bowl championship in 19 years.
In 2009, this dog...
...will rally this defense.
Obama Wins The All-Star Game for The White Sox
July 2009 – While taking a weekend break from politics, Obama accidentally helps the AL win the 2009 MLB All-Star Game. After throwing out the first pitch against Pat Burrell, Burrell smacks it out of the park. This begins a romping of the NL and secures homefield advantage for Obama’s beloved Chicago White Sox, who win the 2009 World Series.
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