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SPONSORED LISTINGS
"NO SEX and the City" in New York City
- by chelsea
- -
- August 06, 2009
(9)
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I can practically hear my roommates blinking in the other room. If people were getting down- I would surely know about it. The point is: Sex and the city w lied about all the damn sex. Most of the women I know in the city are well past a six month marker since their last steamy evening, and would prefer not to count, "that one night, with that one guy, from....that one bar?" The other women in this category, wait- what others? Sex and the City tricked us with their pink colored martinis (that managed to never stain a single mink coat) and their endless thread of interesting dates and multiple orgasms. First of all, having a "Samantha" sized "O" would only be fitting for someone who lived in spacious apartment with thick walls. Otherwise you can count on your neighbor slamming on the ceiling with a broomstick. So as far as sex goes, let me show you the guide to the "Real Sex and the City" so we can get our heads out of the "fantasy Sex Land clouds" that those hussies created.
Obstacles:
LOFT BEDS.
If you’ve ever lived in a crappy six floor walk up (cough cough) you know all about “the loft bed.” Not only would it be useful if I were a few inches shorter so I could actually FIT in the “loft bed” it would also be nice if it weren’t a twin. And if the only position weren’t going to missionary from fear of FLYING off the loft bed, and causing possibly injury (or death.)
Say you manage to not catapult to the ground, naked, but instead only suffer a minor concussion from a swift head slam to the all-too-low ceiling.
That is definitely going to kill the mood. Sexy.
Abingdon Guest House
13 8th Ave, New York, NY 10014
Get a REAL bed for the evening.
Get a REAL bed for the evening.
Abingdon Guest House
Happy Ending
302 Broome St, New York, NY 10002
It’s only CALLED happy ending….but a girl can dream.
It’s only CALLED happy ending….but a girl can dream.
That turtle neck spells, “trouble.”
ROOMMATE DRAMA:
If you snag a studio apartment in New York City, you’ve stumbled upon a pot of gold. Especially if the apartment isn’t infested with rats. Unfortunately, if “pots of gold” were at every corner, we’d all be heck of a lot happier and we’d have a spacious/private area to get down. Instead, we have roommates.
Here are the issues:
VOLUME CONTROL. Quiet sex just isn’t as hot/fun/passionate etc. Loud sex, if you’re not the one having it- is just rude.
PETS. Have you ever tried sleeping with a man who was allergic to cats? Sneezing, puffy eyes, and snot= hardly a turn on.
THE ROOMMATE. Some of us score and have awesome roommates that we happened to find on Craigslist, while others end up living with “Single White Female”, Religious Nut, Slob, Overtly “friendly” to male guests, or Hobbit. All of which throw a wrench into your plans to get laid.
To make a move or not to make a move?
It's Just Lunch
This dating site will have you meeting other BUSY singles who want to take it slow with “lunch.” The idea is that after a few lunches you’ll be comfortable enough to turn that into dinner which = sex?
ARA
24 9th Avenue, New York, NY 10014
Drink too much wine and hope to get picked up.
Drink too much wine and hope to get picked up.
“Dear God, please put someone in this bed with me tonight. Amen.”
Therapy
348 W 52nd Street, New York, NY 10019
This isn’t ACTUAL therapy, just a gay bar.
This isn’t ACTUAL therapy, just a gay bar.
Planned Parenthood
26 Bleecker Street, New York, NY 10012
GET TESTED! SO WHEN YOU DO FINALLY START HAVING SEX YOU’RE BEING SAFE!
GET TESTED! SO WHEN YOU DO FINALLY START HAVING SEX YOU’RE BEING SAFE!
The “loft bed.”
....one more thing.
THE LADDER to the “loft bed.”
Often sex happens on a whim, an unplanned event, and most people get to avoid using the phrase….“Let’s climb the ladder and go to bed.” wink. wink. There’s no whimsy in ladder climbing.
It’s really difficult to be passionate when you’re worried about breaking your ankle.
Sleepys
176 Avenue Of The Americ, New York, NY 10013
BUY A REAL BED…If you can find one that will fit in your room.
BUY A REAL BED…If you can find one that will fit in your room.
MEETING MEN AT BARS ISN'T AS PROMISING AS YOU'D HOPE IT WOULD BE
Let’s face it; meeting a man in a bar isn’t going to equal a fairytale romance. Unless of course you’ve seen this on TV and frankly, that just doesn’t happen. If you’re looking for a one night stand, more often than not that doesn’t turn out too well either. Especially when he forgets your name. Or never asked for it.
Men in bars are on the prowl for one thing only and yes they’ve caught some of us at desperate times but you’ve also caught them, right as they’re drinking the beer that will have them passed out on the bed before any action..
“Can you keep it down?!”
Trixie & Peanut
23 E 20th St Frnt, New York, NY 10003
But a DOG that will your roommates cat. Plus, guys like dogs better.
But a DOG that will your roommates cat. Plus, guys like dogs better.
Mixing work with pleasure
Apparently. This is a bad idea. Considering how much we work in the city, it’s sometimes very hard to avoid, but when you DO end up going for that man in Sales having secret meetings behind the copier isn’t always an easy task. Secret love affairs, business trips, and cubicles can all hinder your “action.”
Blue Owl
196 2nd Avenue, New York, NY 10003
Try getting together OUTSIDE of work and see what happens….
Try getting together OUTSIDE of work and see what happens….
THE STATISTICS ARE AGAINST YOU
FACT:
In New York City, single girls outnumber single men by 210,000. That’s a whole
lot of competition
Meaning, all the TALE you could be getting….someone else already has.
YOUR OPTIONS:
Pray for some assistance.
Move.
Join a convent. and give it up forever.
Try playing for another team??
Buy some “assistance.”
NO sex in New York City
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.jpg "Susan")
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Thank you for dispelling the myths!!
.jpg "Karey Ann")
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Somebody had the guts to say that SITC is all lies??! I love, you Chelsea! All this is true about SF as well. Sigh. I do think “Good Vibrations” (do you have those on the East Coast? Female friendly sex toy stores??) should be on your solution list though!
.jpg "JessicaJoy")
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Great guide Chelsea, as usual!
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