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New York Men Are @#!holes
- by matt_fried
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- August 26, 2008
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- 3 discussions
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The fact is: sometimes I give my sex a bit more credit than we're due. Yes, we are amazing. After all, man did invent fire and David Hasselhoff's career. But not all of us can be models of sophistication and modesty. In fact most of us are downright jerks. Pigs, if you really want to get to it. If I were a young, female, twenty-six year old professional with a fresh promotion, a pair of killer heels, and a take-no-prisoners attitude towards life, I would just as quickly reach for my keychain accessory can of Mace as I would for my morning order at Starbucks. That is, of course, if any of these guys tried to buy my drink. Yeah, I'm on a Girl's Night Out - what are you going to do about it? Ladies, I feel your pain. I think after reading this guy, we're all going to be in agreement: New York men are @#!holes.
Conservative Jewish Guys
Good news: these guys are all about tradition. Bad news: that tradition includes you doing all the child-rearing. Good news: Jewish guys are excellent providers. Bad news: they use that as an excuse for you to slave all day in the kitchen over a Sabbath meal. Good news: they know how to dress – smart, simple, and well-kept. Bad news: the only person they’re going to get fashion advice from is their rabbi, or G-d. I ask you: when was the last time you saw a nice Jewish girl on Project Runway? I rest my case.
Cafe K
8 E 48th Street, New York, NY 10017
An Italian restaurant that boasts a kosher menu? I know: random. But hey, if I can get lasagna and a side of gefilte fish in one meal, I’m a happy camper.
An Italian restaurant that boasts a kosher menu? I know: random. But hey, if I can get lasagna and a side of gefilte fish in one meal, I’m a happy camper.
Crusty Old Men
These guys were dead sexy back in the late 1970s. Now, they’re just a few months away from dead. Of course, they can’t all age with the salty grace of Peter O’Toole. Most of them usually turn into curmudgeons, or geezers, or just good old-fashioned perverts. Yes guys, we could all learn a thing or two from J. Howard Marshall. Mostly that, at 90 years old, who cares what you look like? Because you can get away with anything. Even staring at a women far longer than is socially adequate. To you, crusty old men of The Big Apple! You officially creep me out!
Peter O'Tooles Does His Breed Proud
Leave it to Lawrence of Arabia to be charming and crotchedly at the same time.
Mulligan's Pub
267 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10016
New York’s favorite old man bar. Making it uncool to be creepy since God knows when…
New York’s favorite old man bar. Making it uncool to be creepy since God knows when…
Wall Street Suits
Oh boy, ladies – money! Awesome, he’s loaded! If he’s pulling in six figures, that must mean he’s at the height of sophistication. For appearance’s sake, he certainly is… and then you’ll get alone with him, and for some reason, he never shuts up about the market. Or worse, the hilarity of dog farts. Or even better, did you know he’s rich? Because he’s only mentioned it at least fourteen time in the last hour and a half. Rarely do you ever meet a Wall Street bull with the sensitivity of the theater major you dated for three weeks in college. Face it ladies, he’s no Prince Charming. But at least he’s not a Jimmy Buffett fan. Oh wait…
Men Tread Less Than Lightly
Snarky Pop Culture Intellectuals
I want something perfectly clear: I didn’t post a photo of Chuck Klosterman under this category to call him out. Rather, I’m using him as an example of how intense some of these guys can be. This is the gentleman that every woman seems to consider “interesting”. They are so, until they insist on you accepting that Fraggle Rock was supposed to be an allegory for the Bible. I know, I’m scratching my head on that one, too. It’s best to just let these guys talk, because really they only want to hear the sound of their own voices. There own shallow, insecure voices.
Lakeside Lounge
162 Avenue B New York, NY 10003
Hear that guy at the bar talking about how no one listens to Husker Du anymore? Keep your distance. No, I said keep your – ! Well, don’t say I didn’t tell you so…
Check The Guides
Guido
Excuse me, Dante, I need some olive oil for my bread. Would you mind draining some of your product onto this plate? The picture says it all, ladies. Nothing embodies male machismo and the sensibility of a nine year old better than a Guido. But what is it about these guys that makes you fall head-over-heels in the first place? Is it their love of the movie Scarface or the New York Yankees? How about the fact that they claim to love the Rat Pack, yet dress like Sinatra’s Eurotrash cousin? What a moment, I know. It’s that the only woman they will ever be subjugated to is their mother. Ah-ha! Mystery solved! Now all you have to do is become neglectful and bossy, and you’ll have him wrapped around your finger.
Prime
511 West 28th Street New York, NY 10011
Despite it’s hot Meatpacking District location, consider this spot “Guido City”. The basic price to be proud and greasy? $20 minimum, at the door.
Guido... 25 Years Later
The ripped, steroid-toned upper body looks great when he’s 23. But more often than not, this is what you get to expect with age. Unlike fine wine, nothing ripens with this guy.
Out-Of-Work Actors
Me, me, me. My career this, my art that. Oh my God, am I losing my hair? What do you mean you don’t want to run lines with me? Well, if you think Shia LaBeouf is so great, why don’t you move to L.A. and stalk him? WHY DON’T YOU SUPPORT ME?!?!? That, my female cohorts, is the pitiful whining of the New York actor. Sure, they’re rugged and sexy. That’s because they can’t afford a decent trip to the men’s department at Target, let alone a hot meal. Live out the fantasy now, because when he starts asking for money – you’ll never see it back. We all know that actors are in fact glorified thieves that occasionally steal our hearts in Julia Roberts movies. Damn you, Richard Gere!
Lee Strasberg Theatre INST Inc
115 E 15th Street, New York, NY 10003
One of the city’s biggest actor hangs. If you’re hoping to meet the next Marlon Brando, here’s your place. By the way, don’t buy lunch.
One of the city’s biggest actor hangs. If you’re hoping to meet the next Marlon Brando, here’s your place. By the way, don’t buy lunch.
Neurotic Jewish Guys
The second, and far more enjoyable, subset of Jewish guys you will meet in New York City. First off, we’re non-practicing – which means we embrace the fact that we will be stuck in purgatory forever. Second, we bare our flaws very openly. We do so for two reasons: one, because we feel genuinely mortal in this life; and two, because we know that women will sleep with us if we can laugh about it. Look, chicks dig our self-loathing untilwe don’t shut-up about it. Then suddenly we’re supposedly a putz, like it’s our fault that women are insecure with themselves. Honestly, talk about about selfish.
What better way to meet the nebbish of your dreams than at a international affairs lecture by Madeline Albright? Grab a coffee and sympathy afterwards.
What better way to meet the nebbish of your dreams than at a international affairs lecture by Madeline Albright? Grab a coffee and sympathy afterwards.
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.jpg "aubree munar")
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Uh-oh.
.jpg "Chelsea")
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This is perfect, I’ve seen all of them.
.jpg "mswen")
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Oh my God. I’m afraid of the Guidos.
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