New York City Pet Peeves

OMG I Live In New York

Every transplant has that starry-eyed look when moving to New York; upon arrival, however, each one realizes that this city is a tough one to say the least. Giant rats, everlasting car alarms, that summer smell, and the list goes on and on. 
I’m here to present the problems, and maybe even offer up some suggestions, but mostly just vent, because that’s also something New Yorkers are quite proficient at. And by “vent,” I mean “complain.” And by “complain,” I mean repeat in a really annoyed and annoying way what we already know about life in New York. 

The Subway

It’s so efficient! It runs so often! It’s so GREEN! Yeah, okay, great. It IS all those things, but you know what else it is? Bursting with pushy people, at least 200 degrees in the summer, dotted with rats, full of horrible smells and distinguished by the screachiest, most migraine-inducing sounds you will ever have to endure.

SITUATION: You know the Serenity Prayer, the one about accepting the things you cannot change? Yeah, there is nothing you can do to change the way the subway works. GIVE UP NOW. Those people who hold the doors? The people who shove? The people who stand right in front of the doors when you want to exit? NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. NEVER.

HALF-ASSED SOLUTION: Always have an iPod or some device with earphones. It will do wonders for your commute. Maybe you can listen to some chanting or meditation music? When all else fails, take some advice from Seinfeld: SERENITY NOW!!!

The Lines

Mmm cupcakes, mmm organic wine, mmm artichoke pizza, mmm milk shake in the park. Well, I hope you like saying “mmm” for an hour while you wait for all of the above items, because it’s New York. Lines wrap around corners for blocks sometimes.

WHY???? Because it’s lunch time and 5,000 other people have to buy food all within the same 1-hour span and 5-block radius . Below are the worst offenders; you may keel over from low blood sugar before eating at any of them, though.

Miscellaneous Pet Peeves

• cars parked in bike lanes, especially police cars
• the summer smell combo of garbage, sweat, urine, and God knows what else
• tourists at Ground Zero who take up the entire sidewalk
• Macy’s on ANY day of the year
• the giant bugs straight out of a David Lynch film
• ALL Duane Reades-now, I was a mystery shopper and have literally visited hundreds of Duane Reades. I have never met so many inept pharmacists or rude employees. Not that working there is anyone’s dream, but come on, smile and do your job already
• anyone who says “on line” instead of “in line”

OMG There Are SO MANY People!

The Hellish Concept of Brunch

On the surface, “brunch” is divine and it’s a New York tradition. Fluffy pancakes, spinach and feta omelets, mimosas, small flowers in dainty vases, sunlight streaming in the windows at just the right angle. But look a little closer and you’ll recognize brunch for what it really is: hell. Hell is other people, Sartre? I think you meant to elaborate: Hell is other people at brunch in New York City.

Paul Hallasy up there describes it as the same thing as breakfast, except with a few changes: “Add a sprig of parsley, a watered-down cocktail, a 1/2 hour wait for a table, then double the price. That’s brunch!”

OMG The Noise!

I can tune out a lot. Heck, I used to read Shakespeare on the subway and write English papers in Port Authority. But, I’m only human. And New York is LOUD. Who are the offenders this time? It’s actually quite simple:

1. Cars. Obviously! But most noteably, car services, taxis, garbage trucks and any other cars that chronically honk or play loud music with the windows down…even in winter, and the car alarms that repeatedly go off. Sometimes I say “shut-up” aloud. It makes me feel better, ookay?
2. People. Seriously, I’m trying to sleep and you’re discussing the Mets at 1am outside my apartment. And can we finally learn that it’s not necessary to scream into cell phones?

*Complementary Guides*