Category: Humor

New York City Pet Peeves

By aliciak
updated 3 days ago

Despite all the opportunities and pluses of New York, there are a lot of things that suck about it. No, I'm not complaining (I love it here), just stating the obvious: if you want the Met, Central Park, Conan O'Brien, Treats Truck, Papabubble and the Odeon all within the same 22 square miles, you're going to have to put up with a lot of crap. Chiefly, rodents, bad smells, noise, long lines, subway distress, and paying up the wazoo for pretty much everything. Welcome to the Big Apple, kids.

OMG I Live In New York

Every transplant has that starry-eyed look when moving to New York; upon arrival, however, each one realizes that this city is a tough one to say the least. Giant rats, everlasting car alarms, that summer smell, and the list goes on and on.

I’m here to present the problems, and maybe even offer up some suggestions, but mostly just vent, because that’s also something New Yorkers are quite proficient at. And by “vent,” I mean “complain.” And by “complain,” I mean repeat in a really annoyed and annoying way what we already know about life in New York.

The Subway

It’s so efficient! It runs so often! It’s so GREEN! Yeah, okay, great. It IS all those things, but you know what else it is? Bursting with pushy people, at least 200 degrees in the summer, dotted with rats, full of horrible smells and distinguished by the screachiest, most migraine-inducing sounds you will ever have to endure.

SITUATION: You know the Serenity Prayer, the one about accepting the things you cannot change? Yeah, there is nothing you can do to change the way the subway works. GIVE UP NOW. Those people who hold the doors? The people who shove? The people who stand right in front of the doors when you want to exit? NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. NEVER.

HALF-ASSED SOLUTION: Always have an iPod or some device with earphones. It will do wonders for your commute. Maybe you can listen to some chanting or meditation music? When all else fails, take some advice from Seinfeld: SERENITY NOW!!!

The Lines

Mmm cupcakes, mmm organic wine, mmm artichoke pizza, mmm milk shake in the park. Well, I hope you like saying “mmm” for an hour while you wait for all of the above items, because it’s New York. Lines wrap around corners for blocks sometimes.

WHY???? Because it’s lunch time and 5,000 other people have to buy food all within the same 1-hour span and 5-block radius . Below are the worst offenders; you may keel over from low blood sugar before eating at any of them, though.

Magnolia Bakery Inc

401 Bleecker Street, New York, NY 10014

Yes, cupcakes are tasty confections and Sarah Jessica Parker ate one here, I get it. But honestly, people, waiting 40 minutes in line for something that will put holes in your teeth is not worth it.

Whole Foods Market

4 Union Square East, New York, NY 10003

Let’s not even get started about how hard it is to CARRY a week’s worth of groceries home, without the aid of a car/trunk/shopping cart. The Whole Foods line is misleading: it’s never shorter than 40 people, but all those people are fed into multiple lines.

This, to me, is called “toying with my emotions,” because even though you aren’t actually waiting behind one line of 40 people, it feels like you are. The mental damage is DONE. I am as cooked as my Whole Foods rotisserie chicken.

Grimaldi's

19 Old Fulton Street, Brooklyn, NY 11201

It’s just pizza, I don’t care what you say! Chock-full of tradition and stories is great for the PBS special, but my palate rarely finds significant differences between many NYC pizza establishments.

Target Stores

139 Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11217

Just kill me. All I want is some cheap cereal and a ginormous container of tylenol, but you’re telling me I have to wait in a long line of wailing children (I feel ya, kids!) in a store that always feels a bit humid, a bit dirty. GREAT.

Trader Joe's

142 East 14th Street New York, NY 10003

I like to save pennies on cashews and cheese just like everyone else, but here is my issue: I’m a freelancer, which means my time really IS money. If I spend an hour waiting in line for produce, I can’t really claim that I saved money, since I have the blessing of being able to work 24/7 if I want to. (It’s fantastic! Ha.)

Even factoring in the free samples, and the man upstairs knows I’ve abused those in the past, I literally lose money at Trader Joe’s. This is why Fresh Direct is so brilliant—almost no time is spent on grocery shopping at all!

Miscellaneous Pet Peeves

cars parked in bike lanes, especially police cars
the summer smell combo of garbage, sweat, urine, and God knows what else
tourists at Ground Zero who take up the entire sidewalk
Macy’s on ANY day of the year
the giant bugs straight out of a David Lynch film
ALL Duane Reades-now, I was a mystery shopper and have literally visited hundreds of Duane Reades. I have never met so many inept pharmacists or rude employees. Not that working there is anyone’s dream, but come on, smile and do your job already
anyone who says “on line” instead of “in line”

The Hellish Concept of Brunch

On the surface, “brunch” is divine and it’s a New York tradition. Fluffy pancakes, spinach and feta omelets, mimosas, small flowers in dainty vases, sunlight streaming in the windows at just the right angle. But look a little closer and you’ll recognize brunch for what it really is: hell. Hell is other people, Sartre? I think you meant to elaborate: Hell is other people at brunch in New York City.

Paul Hallasy up there describes it as the same thing as breakfast, except with a few changes: “Add a sprig of parsley, a watered-down cocktail, a 1/2 hour wait for a table, then double the price. That’s brunch!”

Clinton Street Baking CO

4 Clinton Street, New York, NY 10002

People sometimes wait TWO HOURS at Clinton St.! How can you ward off hunger pains that long? The thing I don’t understand about the desire to go to brunch is that it’s one of the easiest meals to make at home. Do you know how long it takes to make pancakes, scramble eggs, or fry bacon? About 5 minutes!

Prune

54 East 1 St, New York, NY 10003

Prune only accepts reservations one day a year: Mother’s Day. The rest of the year? Fend with the other starving people at 1pm for those Eggs Benedict. Not even their killer Bloody Marys will convince me to wait 45 minutes for a cramped table. Sorry!

Toms Restaurant

782 Washington Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11238

I love Tom’s dearly, but why oh why must you not be open on Sundays? This means everyone has to patron your establishment on Saturday for weekend brunch purposes. The upside to choosing Tom’s for brunch, however, is that the staff will hand out food to those waiting outside.

OMG The Noise!

I can tune out a lot. Heck, I used to read Shakespeare on the subway and write English papers in Port Authority. But, I’m only human. And New York is LOUD. Who are the offenders this time? It’s actually quite simple:

Cars. Obviously! But most noteably, car services, taxis, garbage trucks and any other cars that chronically honk or play loud music with the windows down…even in winter, and the car alarms that repeatedly go off. Sometimes I say “shut-up” aloud. It makes me feel better, ookay?
People. Seriously, I’m trying to sleep and you’re discussing the Mets at 1am outside my apartment. And can we finally learn that it’s not necessary to scream into cell phones?