Top 10 New Year's Resolutions AS SEEN ON TV

(1) If Your New Year's Resolution is to Get More Sleep

Now you can catch up on all the sleep you missed out on in 2008 with the inflatable five-in-one (yes, I said FIVE-IN-ONE!!!) sofa bed.

Are you one of those people who sometimes falls asleep on the couch only to get up in the middle of the night to move to your bed?  Now you don’t have to move to your bedroom because the five-in-one sofa is a couch and a bed (and a lounger, a recliner, and a children’s high rise bunk bed). 

Endorsed by Charlatan Sleep Doctor, Jorge Jorgennsen, you’ll be able to get all the sleep you need in five glorious, inflatable positions. Choosing your position is the most fun part. Hooray!

Inflatable bed-thingy $99 + S & H

(2) If Your Resolution is to Stay Warm and Look More Wizard-Like

If you’ve got a duel New Year’s Resolution of staying “totally warm” and looking more like a Wizard then you need the Snuggie, the blanket that has arms.

The commercial says:

“blankets are OK but they can slip and slide and when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside”  

Totally!! I hate it when my blanket slips and slides.  Actually, what the f*ck are they talking about?  Unless you have a blanket made of Crisco, who has has ever had a blanket that “slips and slides” around???

Anyway, I’ll let that go because this is just an amazing product. Made “ultra soft, thick, luxurious” fleece, you can do whatever you need to do, whether it’s cuddling a baby, eating popcorn, or roasting marshmallows outside and still stay totally warm.

(3) If Your Resolution is to Reduce Stress...

 Your boss is a douchnozzle. Your job completely sucks. And more likely than not, you are going to get fired anyway when the next round of layoffs come. 

I get it. All these things mean you’re stressed out.  The last thing you need is more stress when you get home from annoying DVDs packages that are difficult to open.

If you’re like most Americans, you’re probably thinking, “I’m so stressed out by the complete failure of our economy, if only they made a product that would open those damn, hard-to-open DVDs, my life would be so much better and stress free.”

Well friend, today is your lucky day!  Because I’m introducing you to the DVD Stripper, a product that “easily opens up any CD (because we’re all still buying CDs??) or DVD without hassle of broken nails or accidentally cracking the case.”

Voila!! DVD Stripper Here Today, Stress B Gone Tomorrow!
. 

(4) If Your Resolution is to be More Productive...

Kill two birds with one stone by purchasing the Radio Pen.  This amazing product allows you to write words and listen to FM radio at the same time.  Productivity problems solved.

Purchase here for $9.95

(5) If Your Resolution is to Lose Weight...

One great way to lose weight (and look more beautiful) is to shed those hideous  pounds of dead skin on your feet.

Now you can with the disgustingly awesome, Man-Sized Ped Egg.  The original Ped Egg has made a version just for the dudes.  This new foot-shaving apparatus with built-in skin shavings storage compartment is 30% larger (and thus 30% Awesomer) than the old Ped Egg. Yippee!!

Guaranteed you’ll lose a pound or two of excess footy-shavings or your money back

Ped Egg for Dudes $19.95 + S & H

(6) If Your Resolution is to Infuse More Pancakes with Bacon...

All the delicousness of pancakes + all the deliciousness of bacon = The pancake puff pan.

This is quite possibly the best cookware on the market today!  You get to make little pancake puffs and inject them with a delicious dollop of bacon, syrup, jam or whatever you like.  Be inventive….but not too inventive. I actually own this thing and I’ve tried pineapple cottage cheese once. It was kind of gross.

(7) If Your Resolution is to Impress Liberal Blogger-y Types With Your Deep Knowledge of Politics

Who cares about actually knowing shit about politics?  I sure don’t.  That stuff is Bor-ing!! I don’t want to have to read the NYTimes or the Economist.  I just want to be part of the conversation when my liberal wonky friends start talking about politics

If you’re like me, I have the perfect solution for you: the Barack Obama Gold Plated Quarter for only $9.95 (plus S & H) 


Next time you’re at a party and someone asks you what you think of the Dems rejecting the seating of Burris, if you have no idea who Burris is, just pull out the Shiny Obama Gold Plated Quarter to easily distract your liberal blogger-y  Obamaniac friends from the issue at hand.  They’ll instantly be amazed by it’s shinyness and it’s Obamaness and completely forget what they asked you.

Trust me, even if you don’t know your ass from a hole in the Blagojevich, with the $10 Gold Plated Obama Quarter, you’ll have no trouble hanging with this douchy-elitist crowd.

(8) If Your New Year's Resolution is to Exercise More...

Let’s be honest.  Maybe you’re a little overweight, but it’s not your love handles or your muffin top that is keeping the girls/guys at bay.  It’s your hideous face.

For years you’ve been able to electrocute your way to great abs with products like the sport elec. But until now there was no way to exercise your body part that needed the most help: your disgustingly hideous face.

Fortunately, you can now exercise your face with Suzanne Summer’s FaceMaster ($19.95 + S & H), the electrode stimulation apparatus that sends tiny shock waves to “exercise all 22 of your ugliest face muscles”

Saweeet!!  You’ll look like Suzanne Summers in no time.

(9) If Your Resolution is to Save Money...

I’ve seen lots of great money saving products on TV, but for the money saving product of the year, I’m going with the ingenious
Save a Blade; (a product that turns your regular crappy razor into a 200+ shave endurance machine)

What’s amazing about save a blade is that the same technology used in commercial kitchens to sharpen fine cutlery has now been adapted to shave your face.

While the razor blade companies don’t want you to know about this product, El Guapo is always looking out for the little guy!!

Save a blade, save cash, save your face.   Triple Win!!

(10) If Your Resolution is to Get a Better Job...

Your job as customer service operator at Verizon sucks and you want a job where you feel you can grow.  Quit wasting your time looking on Monster.com and Careerbuilder.  Instead, buy this video and Mr. Question Mark Suit Guy will teach you how to bilk the federal government for millions of dollars.  The Banking and Auto industries both purchased the video years ago, and look how they’re doing now with their billion dollar bailouts.  (Apparently, the porn industry just bought the video as well)

You deserve some of that bailout money too.  Get your hands on it today!!

Matthew Lesko’s ‘Get Money From the Government’ Training Course

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