A guide to the new year resolutions you'll never keep

by baunilhete
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January 14, 2011
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Hungover and fragile, you decide the First of January is The Best Moment Evah to make those drastic-life-changing resolutions you've been putting off. If you're a truly obstinate person, by the end of the year you'll find you kept ONE. If you're a relatively reasonable person you'll realize that the worst time to make life-altering decisions is whilst drinking the mandatory-walk-of-shame-latte, and forget the whole deal.

#1 - Stop drinking.

If some organization ever bothered to take a survey to find out which is the most common statement made by the under-35-western population on the 1st of January, I’m pretty sure it would be “I will NEVER drink again”. Following said statement, you proceed to clean out the fridge, not even beer is allowed.

The sentiment is admirable, however, let’s be honest: it’s the same feeling most of us get on a Sunday morning and guess what? We’re still ordering that fourth martini.

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Miss Pulmonary Enphysema no more.

Right next to “I will never drink again” is “I just quit smoking”. Ok, so 99% of this site’s readers are from America and I’m guessing smoking is not as common and accepted as France, so please humor me.

As a non-smoker, I have to say I never fully understood the appeal of inhaling massive amounts of smoke, tar, naftalin; to name a few. Also, I resent the smug-would-be-self-deprecating way smokers say “ooooh, so you don’t smoke? Good for you, very wise” in a tone that implies that not only I will never know the real pleasures of life, but that I probably am a frigid virgin.
However, I have to say I understand that the combination of booze and nicotine seems utterly lovely (cancer aside).

That being said, quitting smoking right after a big night out is the equivalent of swearing off tequila on the 6th of May. It might be the right thing to do, but after a few days you’ll cave.

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By the end of this year I will look like a Victoria's Secret model.

Ok, so they have perky breasts, perfect stomachs, legs that go up to their necks and shiny hair. That aside, what do they REALLY have? Fat bank account? Check. Hot lovers/husbands? Check. Beauiful wardrobe? Check.
What was my point again…………?

Oh yeah, right.
Ok, so you’re a few kilos overweight. Nothing that would classify anyone as pudgy, let alone obese. I am so tired of this constant fear of fat and obsession with being skinny. When I think of the years and years I wasted in high school despizing my breasts that were so unlike Claudia Schiffer’s, or my hips that looked like something out of a pantomime when compared to Kate Moss’s; I CRINGE. It was only at 26 that I finally listened to my granny, who at 94 uttered these wise words: “women pay to have big breasts. Stop complaining and have some more gravy”.

I’m not advocating that we should all throw good health and common sense out the window. I am pleading to the good women all over the globe to realize that being 1m60 (5’4) and 55 kg (120pounds) does not make you fat. It makes you freakin’ NORMAL. As long as you live a healthy life it does not matter how much you weight. It is that simple and FUCK magazine covers.

Screw the obsession with looking like a starved 13 year old boy. Enough, people. Let’s just be happy with healthy-eating habits, and belonging to the 12% of the world population who isn’t so skinny the ribcage shows through the skin, and celebrate by having that extra helping of pie.

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About The Author

baunilhete

www.twitter.com/bauni...

French-Brazilian, suffering from acute geographical ADD, music fanatic, lead guitarist of an imaginary famous band, obsessive compulsive when it comes to Converse, incontrollable hyperactive imagination.