How To Not Get Laid In San Francisco

Stop after dinner to write in your journal and listen to giant headphones.

Throw tantrum when post-date Scrabble game doesn't go your way.

Neglect to inflate your bed before leaving for date.

Those beer goggles are going to wear off by the time you finish pumping.

Show her your "gaming den."

Turn on some smooth jazz music with your remote control.

Top 40s hip hop from the late 90s also has the same effect. I have never felt so un-sexual as when a date once started making the moves after putting on a JaRule song.

Over-plan.

Bring flowers, hire a limo driver, take her to a $300 dinner, a romantic pier walk, and then give her bootlegged copies of her favorite TV show.

Sport a Vin Diesel poster on your wall.

Wear a t-shirt that you got for free at a baseball game.

Tell her how your last girlfriend tried to stab you.

This is seriously the only thing that ever caused me to cut a date short. How does a lady react to such a comment? “Um…Has this impacted your ability to trust women <nervous laugh>?”

Write apology email 5 minutes after she leaves your apartment.

“I’m sorry. I usually don’t express my rage physically, but I had a G, an I, a blank, and another I. Scrabble is a very important part of my life…

Forgive me. I think we have a connection.

xoxo"

Serve her a night cap of Barcardi-O in specialty glass.

Sorry, Ashton. I know it was probably the only thing in your dad’s liquor cabinet at the time. . .

"Dan and I put our beds in his room and turned mine into a video game pit."

Show off your in-house hookah station.

Although it might have been a cool idea in your freshman year dorm room, there’s nothing less romantic than a strawberry hookah kiss under a fake Oriental rug from IKEA.

Employ fake fire DVD.

Buy her a glow-in-the-dark rose from velvet-clad vendor.