Neocon's Guide to the Democratic National Convention
by brianp - March 27, 2008
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Neoconservatives. Freepers. Ultra-right wingers. They're everywhere. Even in your own family. Even at the Democratic National Convention. Yeah, that one crazy uncle that swears Bush is still the best president we've ever had. You know who I'm talking about. Heck, even you might even be a neocon and not know it. Well, they need loving too, so here's a guide to surviving the Democratic National Convention (DNC) if you or someone you know suffers from neoconitis and you happen to get stuck in Denver.
What to Listen To
Radio seems to be getting worse and worse. There’s that hippety hop music on there, and our kids are being corrupted by the likes of the Strikes and Alkaline Battery. Thank God there’s some good old fashioned radio DJs like 850 KOA host Gunny Bob Newman.
Bob, like us, feels that it’s “time for a little moratorium on Muslim visas, period.” We also agree that “every Muslim immigrant to America who holds a green card, a visa, or who is a naturalized citizen [should] be required by law to wear a GPS tracking bracelet at all times.” Heroically, he also said, “If they don’t like the
idea, or if they refuse, throw their asses out of this country.”
We salute you Bob!
Close Conservatives
Colorado Springs is really close to Denver. As you probably well know, that’s the home of Focus on the Family and the inimitable James Dobson.
You should definitely go and give him a high-five for keeping condoms out of the hands of kids.
Hooray for not having sex!
Oh, and he hates the gays too! Hellyeahz!
Where to Go Protest
Everyone needs a little hate thrown their way, so if you’re coming to Denver for a bit of protesting, these are the top places to go.
Libtards
This is where they’ll be. I suggest hunting them down in packs. You can find them by tracking the smell of patchouli and marijuana.
Planned Parenthood
921 E 14th Ave, Denver, CO 80218
Jeez, how many planned parenthoods does Denver need? Let’s at least try to get one closed!
Jeez, how many planned parenthoods does Denver need? Let’s at least try to get one closed!
Colorado State Government
200 E 14th Ave, Denver, CO 80203
Call this office and report anyone whose skin is slightly different than yours. Or if they can’t speak Amerikan.
Call this office and report anyone whose skin is slightly different than yours. Or if they can’t speak Amerikan.
Kitty's Adult Emporiums
735 E Colfax Ave, Denver, CO 80203
Porn is corrupting our youth. Get out there and protest that sweet, sweet porn.
Porn is corrupting our youth. Get out there and protest that sweet, sweet porn.
Gill Foundation the
2215 Market St, Denver, CO 80205
These people actually think that everyone deserves an equal chance. That’s not very American is it?
These people actually think that everyone deserves an equal chance. That’s not very American is it?
ZOMFG!
ZOMFG! WHY DIDN’T I GET INFORMED? THE GLORIOUS LEADERS DIDN’T TELL ME WE’D BE PLANNING A FAKE ATTACK AT THE DNC.
/dumbass rant
Worship
Here’s a few nearby megachurches for you to go thank God for the past 8 years of unprecedented bliss and success. Yeah, you heard me.
Your Free Speech Zone
Let me show you it.
This is where you’re stuck because GW told you to stay there.
Republican State Headquarters
1777 S Harrison St, Denver, CO 80210
Sit with your buddies and reminisce about the old days over a cold one.
Sit with your buddies and reminisce about the old days over a cold one.
Go to the Pepsi Center During the DNC and Shout This:
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
FOUR MORE YEARS!
Hero-Worship in the Mile High City
No matter how bad things get, remember that Karl Rove, one of the true heroes of the neo-con movement was born here in Denver.
Stop by his birthplace and take some flowers.
Downtown Animal Care Center
1041 Galapago St, Denver, CO 80204
Karl Rove was born here.
Karl Rove was born here.
Some Secret Service Agent
This guy actually thinks that neocons are a threat. A threat to the libtards maybe.
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Obviously your guide is quite amusing and your grasp of the English language is above average, but I must say that for my money I’m much safer in Jackson than in Denver. God help you all.
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l-m-a-o funny! @
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Great guide!
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