The Mundane and Anticlimactic Dining Guide to New York City
by aliciak - September 17, 2008
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Eat & Drink | Humor
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Hey, you know what would be funny? To take a trip to New York and only do the truly mundane, humdrum, prosaic and run-of-the-mill things to be done here. Thai-Korean fusion restaurant where you'll sit on the floor with your shoes off? Let's go to Applebee's. That LES boutique with juice bar? A hot pretzel at K-mart sounds just dandy to me. Why travel to Strip Mall, Anywhere America when you can experience it piecemeal (literally!) right here in New York? Maybe it's ironic, maybe it's silly, or maybe it's just stupid, but you can have an all-American bland-ass culinary time in one of the most exciting cities in the world and I'm here to tell you how.
Alicia, why do you like chains so much?
It’s not that I love the appetizers at TGIF, the ambiance of Red Lobster or the fluorescent lighting at K-mart, but there is always something to be experienced at these places. We are in a unique position here in New York in that we don’t frequent the places that millions of Americans do, and thus, have an outsider’s perspective. Perhaps it’s the anthropologist in me, but chains fascinate me.
Driving to Virginia last week, my eyes were not used to the light pollution that is the American strip mall, but I welcomed the sight nonetheless. (My insides were not used to the digestive pollution of fast food either!) Because I wanted to do what the “locals” do, I patronized the following over the course of 5 days: Sonic, 7-11, Chick-fil-A, Ruby Tuesday’s, and an actual MALL! And I loved every morsel.
Olive Garden Italian Restaurant
2 Times Sq, New York, NY 10036
“We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about.”
“We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about.”
Tgif
47 E 42nd St, New York, NY 10017
You know you love some flair. How many pieces? 10? 15? Wrong! 37, okay?
You know you love some flair. How many pieces? 10? 15? Wrong! 37, okay?
Red Lobster Restaurants
5 Times Sq Frnt 1, New York, NY 10036
Growing up, I’m pretty sure I always ordered the chicken here. Man, I was already so ironic!
Growing up, I’m pretty sure I always ordered the chicken here. Man, I was already so ironic!
Applebee's
234 W 42nd St, New York, NY 10036
I’ll admit it, I liked Applebee’s. But when they switched from cheesy bread to breadstick on the side of all their salads, I was PISSED. Boycotting those haters to this day.
I’ll admit it, I liked Applebee’s. But when they switched from cheesy bread to breadstick on the side of all their salads, I was PISSED. Boycotting those haters to this day.
The Best Menu Item Names
Once, when dining at Chili’s with a significant other, his brother and his brother’s fiance, we got almost embarrassingly giggly just reading the menu. Chillin’ Fruit Freezers! Electric Blue Blast! Quesadilla Explosion! Triple Dipper! This stuff is HIGHlarious! (Note: I would love to be a copywriter for chain restaurants. Anyone? Call me!) We chose to skip the flashy drinks for fear of making too much fun of a restaurant that our dining partners frequented for realz. To date, these are my favorite menu item names. See what you have to look forward to?!?
- Quesadilla Explosion (Chili’s. Elongate the word “explosion”)
- Triple Play (Ruby Tuesday’s. Ribs+Shrimp+Chicken Fingers=culinary key to my heart)
- Walt’s Favorite Shrimp (Red Lobster. But seriously, who the heck is Walt, and why couldn’t he have a more exciting name? Do you really think I care about what “Walt’s” favorite shrimp is? Bore me)
- Zen Chicken Pot Stickers (T.G.I. Friday’s. Really? Zen makes me think of Buddhism, which makes me think of vegetarianism, which does NOT make me think of chicken pot stickers)
Fast food, except slower because it's New York
Fast food is buying snickers from the vending machine, and even then sometimes there’s a line! Fast food restaurants in New York can take longer than a sit-down meal, and I’m pretty sure someone is cutting corners in the industry here, because it never tastes the same as it should (outside of NYC).
Then there’s the lack of seating! And sometimes no bathroom, or a bathroom you need a key for. And they rarely have the same deals or happy meal prizes you’ll see advertised on TV. Or Manhattan will have a different (read: higher) price. That’s crap. Okay, I’m done complaining.
I can’t possibly spotlight the thousands of choices you’ve got here…
Chick-Fil-A, why do you hate me so much?
What is this link to? It’s to Chick-Fil-A’s Restaurant Locator, of course! There is ONE, count ‘em, ONE Chick-Fil-A restaurant in the city and it’s part of NYU’s Weinstein Food Court. Now that just isn’t fair. How come you take all the good stuff, NYU? It’s not enough that you’ve overrun the East Village with your annoying co-eds and are swiping up all the good real estate so those same annoying co-eds can go to class down the street in their PJs?
Whatevs. I’ve rented cars JUST to get fast food, and I’ll do it again. Paramus, New Jersey, I don’t know who you are, but in 16.78 miles, I will. And my tummy will be filled with coke, waffle fries, chick-n-strips and the most wonderful mass-produced corn syrupy barbecue fakeness there is. I will eat all of it in 5 minutes flat like I did in middle of nowhere Maryland last week and follow it up with a Tums, all like a good American/fast-food consumer would do. (Is that redundant?)
Get Ready To Dine Out The Mundane Way!!!!!!
The dining possibilities in New York are infinite. Okay, that’s not true. They are finite, but there sure are a lot of them! The most well-known chefs are right here as are Food Network and Martha Stewart. Saying New York’s cuisine options are diverse is an understatement. But you know what? Sometimes I get a hankering for McDonald’s. So sue me. If the budget allows, maybe some Steak Quesadilla Towers at Applebees or the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden. If you are reading this and thinking OH MY GOD, THIS GIRL JUST READ MY MIND, then read on.
But, Alicia, the food...
I know what you’re going to say: the food isn’t GOOD! It’s mediocre or not prepared with fresh ingredients or the flavors don’t mesh or it’s all just tasteless. Look, when you go to a ball game, you get a hot dog and coke and that’s that. It’s not about a gourmet meal! So, when you go to one of the above, lower those expectations!
My goal for dining at these venues is twofold: sustenance and humorous entertainment. The first is simple to comprehend: we humans must eat! But we also must laugh. Look at the flair around you and laugh! Read the silly menu item names and laugh! Order an over-the-top sugary sweet daiquiri and laugh! If you’re one of these people who thinks they are “above” chain restaurants, I already don’t like you so go away.
The Zen Chicken Pot Stickers at T.G.I. Friday’s! Is that pico de gallo? Yes. And Szechuan dipping sauce? Yes. I guess that can fall under Mexican-Asian fusion, right?
Dinin' Where You Do Your Shoppin'
After a long hard week during my 1st year in Brooklyn, I would often un-lax with a trip to Target that included eating dinner there. I kid you not. I’m not sure why this was exciting to me, but it was. Perhaps because I have many fond memories of eating in the K-Cafe in K-Mart with my sister and mom growing up and the similar tradition was comforting? Don’t diagnose me—I don’t want to hear it! That Slurpee and a personal pizza and/or soft pretzel made me happy and as my good friend says, “I have no shame in my game.”
Kmart Stores
770 Broadway, New York, NY 10003
I love how all the Yelp reviews of K-mart only give the store 1 star. IT’S K-MART, PEOPLE! K-MART!
I love how all the Yelp reviews of K-mart only give the store 1 star. IT’S K-MART, PEOPLE! K-MART!
Target Stores
139 Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11217
Here, I’ll help you recreate the scene: Target bag at your feet, choose a seat that looks onto drab Atlantic Avenue. Wow, what a view! Now slurp that slurpee and get every last drop. Polish off that pizza like it’s your last meal. Drown out the crying children. Ahhhh.
Here, I’ll help you recreate the scene: Target bag at your feet, choose a seat that looks onto drab Atlantic Avenue. Wow, what a view! Now slurp that slurpee and get every last drop. Polish off that pizza like it’s your last meal. Drown out the crying children. Ahhhh.
Ikea
1 Beard Street Brooklyn, NY 11231
Ikea is almost too nice to put on this list, but they have dollar mac & cheese (which I’ve had!), so I will allow it. The 99 cent breakfast? Hello value! When can I move in?
Food Court=The Beautiful Melting Pot of the USA
I get a little teary just thinking about it, all those cultures side by side. The Chinese place that gives you free tiny pieces of chicken on toothpicks, the pizzeria with a plethora of heat lamps making the greasy pizza glisten even more, dripping fish n’ chips, “Japanese” food (=teriyaki beef) and Cajun cuisine because let’s represent America here, folks. God, it’s beautiful. They all work together so that we can have our food court! So that we can have choices! So that you can get your bourbon chicken and I can get my fried wontons and we can sit at the same table, hands joined, hearts together!
I can keep going if you want me to.
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"RIP Manhattan Mall Food Court" is right
Midtown Lunch said it best. :( The ONLY Arby’s in the entire city, will be buried along with the rest of the food court restaurants in Manhattan Mall. And all for what, I ask you? Oh right, to build a J.C. Penney’s. The nerve! I don’t want to talk about it.
The “scene” in Elmhurst. You should probably make a reservation. I hope you know the right people! Is that Frank Bruni, bottom left?
Places of Transit=Places to Vomit/Sigh/Starve
Airports, train stations and bus terminals usually have a food court component, similar in sucktastic factor as their mall counterparts. Every time I’m at LaGuardia, I swear I’m in Truman Show: I’m hungry, I browse the handful of dining options and my eyes stop on the fresh fruit. The fruit looks fine, but somehow, it’s emitting something bad that is convincing me not to buy it. I usually walk away and cross my fingers they’ll give me extra peanuts. Sorry, how unPC of me. Pretzels! You stupid peanut allergy people…
Bus stations are even worse because everyone around you is GROSS, the surroundings are DISGUSTING, and you know you won’t be eating on the bus once Jim-Bob next to you whips out his fried chicken from Lord knows where. You. are. screwed.
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I also love Chick-fil-A, but I really feel that it’s Sonic that hates me…they show awesome commercial after awesome commercial in L.A. and you have to drive all the way to g—-d—- Anaheim to find one! But, it’s worth it…
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I LIVE for Chick-fil-A
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