Moving into Your Illegal Sublet 101

by snitch - August 29, 2008

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What you need to know about moving into that illegal Sublet.

2. Pay Up, Get Your Keys.

Typically an illegal sublet will include the space plus utilities. People jack up the prices on sublets so they can make a few bucks off of desperate sublet-seeking individuals so watch out! It’s somehow acceptable to pay for the duration of your sublet up front, plus security but it’s also possible to find a place where you can just go month to month. I recommend finding the sublet that best suits your interest. Once you pay you get the keys to your new casa. If you’re paying too much, just remember, you can rummage through the real owner’s personal belongings and move furniture and “accidentally” break whatever you want or decide to let your ant farm free in their wall of shoes in the closet if you so desire. If you don’t have an ant farm, ask the homeless man on the corner, he can wrangle up a cockroach farm that will work even better. I’m getting ahead of myself. Do you have the keys? Ready to move in? Good. Let’s move in.

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5. Pick a Strategic Time

You will probably need to wait until your brother can get out of work or get a sitter for his kids. I would always recommend moving in to your illegal sublet between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 in the morning. This way you will certainly avoid any superintendent or building owner. You might wake up a few dogs on the floor but they’re just the welcome wagon. Pick up a few doggy treats that can easily slide under an apartment door. I would recommend a turkey-based treat, it might knock em’ right out. If you move in during the day nosy neighbors might report you to the building owner who will either evict the tenant you are illegally subletting from which means the gig is up, you’re back to square one or he/she will require the sublet to be formal (with either a $100 surcharge or a 20% mark up…which might be less than the actor is charging you to begin with)

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6. Be Quiet

Even though the dog is bribed you still need to be quiet. Make sure your brother is quiet, and that all of your cellphones are on vibrate. You don’t want the theme to Rocky echoing down through the halls to wake up the 200-year-old lady next door. If you have to talk, be sure it’s in a low whisper. You never know how thin the walls are.

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8. Get rid of the helpers.

You still need to get rid of your brother and your friend with the phantom pain, or, back “problem” out of the building. Start complaining about how little money you have or how you just had to drop so much money on the security deposit and you can definitely get a free meal out of them. Even if it’s 4:00 in the morning you should get the free meal. Surely there’s a d Duncan Donuts around or you could always spring for a bag of Pizza Pretzel Combos and a six pack of something cheap (be sure to leave a can for the homeless man or he will tell the super you moved in during the middle of the night. Once you’ve got your food stop in the lobby and pretend you have a headache. This will prevent the headache of your brother crashing on the floor of your illegal sublet or your friend talking your ear off until you have to go to work. Get rid of them, go and go up to your illegal sublet and close the door. Use all of the locks given. You might need them. The 200-year-old woman next door might use her Diners Club card to pick your lock and steal your comic books while you sleep, you never know.

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1. Find the Sublet.

Before you move in you must first find your illegal sublet. I would suggest perusing through craigslist or if you are in the New York/LA area, the Actors Equity board for ideas. Actors are great resources because they are flakey and often go away on tour. If they are perky and obnoxious they might go away on tour a lot, so seek out the talky ones and you’ll have a place before you know it. If you can’t deal with actors just walk up and down the side streets of Harlem/Washington Heights and you’re bound to find something. If you’re at a loss, ask a “homeless man”. He’s not only looking for a few quarters to buy a “pixie stick”, he’s also a) excellent with directions b) can tell you a few dirty jokes and c) a bonafide real estate agent. That’s right folks, he has the dirt on everyone in the twelve block radius of his standing post. Slip that man a $20 and he’ll walk you to your future illegal sublet. If you have a thing against asking homeless people about temporary to long term accommodations, feel free to send an “eblast” to everyone you know asking if anyone’s looking for a sublet. You might want to create an “evite” or a facebook invite in which you literally invite everyone to find a place for you to live. Send this invitation to all of your friends, colleagues, and your high school Biology teacher who lives in Malaysia now but might know someone who has a place in the continent you are looking to reside in. You’re bound to find something. If you have a hard time just go door to door in your ideal neighborhood knocking on doors of apartments that look cool.

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3. Chose your Transportation Wisely

Choose your Transportation wisely. This is important. First ask yourself, how much shit do I have? If you have a lot of shit, you might need a truck. You can waste an afternoon waiting in line to pick up a UHAUL. Be sure you are old enough to rent a UHAUL and have all of the documentation they require. Check their website. Don’t worry, you’re still bound to miss something and end up paying an extra $78.95 for forgetting to bring something with you in advance.

If you have a few garbage bags your ex girlfriend left out front while you were at work it might be easiest to forego any sort of vehicle and just drag the bags in through the lobby when no one is around. If you go in through the basement of the building, someone might just mistake you for the porter (nobody pays attention to the porter anyways). If you run into the porter while walking in through the basement, just slip him a $20. Or a Corona. It’ll keep him quiet, trust me.

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4. Bribe Four Friends to Help You.

You must bribe four friends to help you. The day of your move Friend 1 will either a) be MIA b) have a stomach virus c) have to stay home with sick friend or d) have to stay home with sick dog. Friend 2 will realize he forgot to write it in his calendar and apologize profusely on the phone and offer to buy you lunch next week. He’s lying about the calendar mix up as well as the lunch. Be sure to get as passive aggressive with this person as you feel needed to make them uncomfortable. Friend 3 will show up but have a back problem (they can drive and watch the UHAUL so the homeless man doesn’t use it for a Port O Potty. Friend 4 is your brother and he is obligated to help you because you know dirt on him.

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9. Resist Unpacking

For real. It’s not worth it. Find the futon and lay down. If the place is infested with bed bugs you should find out in about a half hour. If you fall asleep, good. If you can’t sleep drink the rest of the six pack and finish the pizza combos. You should be able to sleep then.

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10. Unpack At Your Own Risk.

If you have any problems just set your suitcases on the dresser and take your stuff out as you need it. Odds are the place has bed bugs so you shouldn’t unpack anyways. The super might knock on the door if you work grandma up next door. Don’t answer it. It’s best he doesn’t see you. Try to avoid eye contact with anyone in the building, you never know who’ll rat you out. Sneak in and out when nobody is around or between 2:00 and 4:00 in the morning. Order in, use your headphones when you listen to music and don’t you dare have a party. Live the duration of your sublet as if you’re running from the police and have everything to lose.

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: by Matt Fried 09/02/2008 Reply

So many fond memories from my first days in New York.

: by aubreeWYATTsmith 08/29/2008 Reply

OMG…I can’t stop laughing!!!! @

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About The Author

snitch

the heights, New York

I might piss you off, I don't care. I tell it how it is, someone has to. Suck it up and if you don't like what I say then call your mom in Boca and bitch to her about it.