Move in an Organized Fashion

*The 1st Step*

…is admitting that you have a problem and that you are powerless over it. It’s called moving. Wait, no, that’s just a necessity of life, especially when you live in New York. The problem is that I am a non-committal person who cannot plan ahead when it comes to any kind of big life change or decision (jobs, career, travel, people, appointments). 

*The 3rd Step*

"Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of" MOM + OTHERS

You. are. screwed. How in the heck did you think all of this was going to get done while you sucked on candy canes and played Christmas bingo? You don’t just show up on the doorstep of your new abode as if you’re going to a dinner party, empty-handed of course. It takes work, work you should have been doing for weeks. You know what, you’re an idiot and you clearly cannot handle this yourself. So guess what? It’s time to turn your will and life over to someone else who will clearly know what to do with it.
That means you must: email your friends begging for help, search the moving truck listings for adequate labor and scavenge boxes from grocery store trash heaps. You have no idea what you’re in for… 

I would not go to any of these...

*The 5th Step*

Admit "the exact nature of our wrongs."

I thought I was getting it together by renting a U-Haul truck online, 360 miles away from the impending move. At $30 a day, this seemed both logical and financially sound. Well done, Alicia, you have not failed yet. Oh…but…wait. The truck can only be had later in the day…and I’d have to park it overnight…and you get a ticket if you park a commercial vehicle in New York…and where would I park a gigantic truck anyway…and for cheap…and wait, I’m a fairly good driver, but I don’t know how to operate a 14-ft vehicle…and wait…my arms hurt just from carrying boxes…how can I carry furniture too, even with the help of my parents…crap, I didn’t think any of this through.
The exact nature of my wrongs? Thinking I can do it all just because I say I can. Going for the cheapest option even though it’s totally impractical. Remembering that moving sucks and I would pay anything to be unconscious through the entire thing. I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.

*The 8th and 9th Steps*

"Make amends" to all the people you've harmed

• Friends, I’m sorry I attempted to bribe all of you with cookies if you’d lift boxes. 
• B. and P., I’m sorry I looked at you with a deadpan face when you tried to hold a conversation with me and all I could think about was how much I hated moving 
• K., I’m sorry I couldn’t see you while home from London on account of me drowning in a sea of unpacked boxes  
• Mom and dad, I’m sorry for crying on the floor, curled up in a little ball, multiple times  
• Mom, I’m sorry I made your tendonitis worse 
• UPS man who is in love with me, I’m sorry I broke your heart by moving. Were those tears in your eyes? 

*The 11th Step*

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with" a higher power

I interpret this as:

• unpack the wine and wine opener STAT because you may be moved in, but more work lies ahead
• drink said wine and stare at boxes instead 
• congratulate yourself on a haphazard and stressful move that your 27-old self never could have done without the parents 
• go to sleep…I mean, meditate in bed with your eyes closed 

*The 2nd Step*

"A Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

All header quotes will be pulled directly from the AA 12-Step Program. 
It’s called “your mom.” No joke. Or in my case, MY mom. Most 12-Step Programs look to a higher power or God, but in this situation, it’s all about mom. Because God did not speak to me this time around, mom did. She said, “Alicia, I know you don’t like committing to things, but I’m starting to panic. I couldn’t sleep last night just thinking about your move.”
I knew where I was moving to, by the way. I’m not that bad! But I hadn’t started the process of said moving at all. Instead, I went away for the holidays and ignored the fact that the last days of December did NOT mean parties and gluttony, but rather, MOVING.

*The 4th Step*

"Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself."

Less moral, more inventory of myself. Let’s get at the root of my problems. Take this for example:

Do you know why I can’t use cruise control? Because I can’t commit…to a speed! I CANNOT COMMIT TO CRUISE CONTROL. You want to control me, car? I’d like to see you try. Why do you want to tie me down? Why must the speed be constant? I want to go  64 now and 61 the next minute for no reason other than I feel like it. I don’t want to feel locked in. It makes me so anxious that I have to break/accelerate before I start sweating Oh-God-Commitment-Scary-No! beads of sweat. Make it stop! I want out I want out I WANT OUT!!!
I am not exaggerating. At all. This is what goes through my head the couple of times I tried to use cruise control and this example is very indicative of how I approach a lot of things in life. Fear of commitment, with a little bit of anxiety and ADD mixed in. Let that set the scene for why I am the WORST candidate for organizing a New York City move between apartments. And that is why we will proceed in 12-Step Program fashion…because it’s going to work for me some day!

*The 6th and 7th Steps*

I am ready to have someone "remove all these defects of character" and "remove our shortcomings"

Remove, remove, remove! Yep, that sounds about right! I am hiring movers and they will magically show up at my house with a truck of their own, muscles of their own, huffing-and-puffing lungs of their own and they will do the transporting themselves. My brain function loss is YOUR financial gain! 

*The 10th Step*

"Continued to take personal inventory"

Hey, guess what you’re forgetting??? (I.e. what I forgot until I moved) Transporting all your crap to a new apartment is great, but what about all your mail? The magazines, the credit card bills, the free address label people (!!!), the Victoria’s Secret catalogs, the paychecks! 
You also need to cancel those services you will no longer need, like cable and internet. Don’t be an idiot like me and cancel at the last minute, because it will require you to personally deliver your cable box to some nondescript neighborhood in Brooklyn called “Flatlands” during work hours. Grrrr.

*The 12th Step*

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps," "carry this message to" Guidespotters and get them to "practice these principles"

I do it for you, guys and gals. I have been spiritually awakened to the following:

• Do not ever think you can do a NYC move on your own 
• It is always worth hiring someone to break their back so you don’t have to
• Invest in storage containers even though The Container Store gives you anxiety—plastic bags do not cut it and do not scream “organization”!  
• Start reading Thoreau again, the parts about simplifying