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Cocktail Party Guide #2: How To Impress A San Francisco Finance Guy
- by elissa
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- June 05, 2009
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Are you getting tired of all of the creative people you’re meeting in San Francisco? Do you break out in hives whenever you overhear people at the bars arguing over whether wheel-throwing is an art or a craft? Is your apartment filling up with all of the watercolor portraits some wackjob from the bar keeps leaving on your doorstep? Well, this is the guide for you! All you’ve got to do is follow this simple formula, and you’ll be drinking single malt scotch and acquiring venture capital before you even get the munchies
1) Point at him and ask alternately, “David Yurman? Balenciaga?"
These words are kind of like a mating call for finance guys. Much like baby turtles hatch with an innate internal compass leading them to the surf, finance managers are genetically programmed to appreciate impeccable wax casting and leather-stitching skills.
2) Call a bystander's Jack & Coke a “little boy’s drink.”
“What? Did you steal that out of your gardener’s flask?”
The only thing a finance guy likes more than his unblended scotch is someone who cares to join him in his elitist and pricy drinking habits. Whatever you do, ask for your complimentary drink served neat in a snifter glass. You won’t even have to wince.
Bourbon & Branch
501 Jones, san francisco, ca
Get snobby about whiskey at Bourbon & Branch. Just make a reservation beforehand so you don’t get stuck in the crowded library bar with the unwashed masses. Mr. Finance wouldn’t approve.
5) Ask for venture capital for your new business plan.
You never know who might say yes. With a little tenacity and a lot of BS, you may be surprised by what you find in your wallet tomorrow morning! Just make sure to think up of a really good name with some kind of nerdy scholastic pun in it. Try these on for size!:
-Your own finance company called, “Sonic The Hedge Fund”
-A s’mores lounge called “Benjamin Graham Cracker”
-A hobby shop called “Residual Interest”
-A free wi-fi bar called “Backdoor Trojan’s”
6) Take them back to their playground days.
Slide Lounge
430 Mason St, San Francisco, CA 94102
There’s pretty much nothing funnier than watching a financial advisor pouting about the rip in his Paul Smith khakis after a daring drop down a metallic tube slide which landed him straight into the arms of a muscular bouncer. With their 1:1 boy/girl ratio rule at the door, you’ll certainly have no trouble coaxing a team of these guys down the tunnel. The only downside is, you may have to stay for a couple of drinks after that one.
There’s pretty much nothing funnier than watching a financial advisor pouting about the rip in his Paul Smith khakis after a daring drop down a metallic tube slide which landed him straight into the arms of a muscular bouncer. With their 1:1 boy/girl ratio rule at the door, you’ll certainly have no trouble coaxing a team of these guys down the tunnel. The only downside is, you may have to stay for a couple of drinks after that one.
Escape Lines For When The Conversation Goes Sour
"Look at the time! The Chinese market just opened. Gotta check my stocks!"
Find The Man Of The Hour Here
I'm Sensing Some Protestant Children In Your Future
MR
560 Sacramento St, san francisco, ca
This place is an oldschool barber shop/networking lounge. That’s right, my friends. You can come and get a close shave, a shoeshine, a $12 Manhattan, and a few new clients for your consulting business. The perfect venue to test out the tips from this guide!
Network while you shave at MR!
3) Ask him if he's ever burned a $100 bill, just because.
“You know…It gets that magnificent blue glow just before the rich smell of humility fills the air and blows out of your life forever.”
4) Use the term “hedge fund” liberally.
Like:
-All this McCallan 18yr is making me want to hedge some funds.
-Didn’t I meet you by the pâté bar at the hedge fund convention?
-I’d totally love to go over your LinkdIn profile tomorrow, but I have a date with my hedge funds.
Harlot
46 Minna St, san francisco, ca
In search of your financial guinae pig? This place just reeks of calculator tape. Find your test subject here, and if it doesn’t work out, there’s sure to be another option one table over.
Salt House the
2 Shaw Aly, San Francisco, CA 94105
Consider sipping some gin at the Salt House before your big Harlot adventure next door. This is where all the big wigs prefer to take their Chilean sea bass.
Consider sipping some gin at the Salt House before your big Harlot adventure next door. This is where all the big wigs prefer to take their Chilean sea bass.
7) Call your french fries "poutine."
It’s okay to eat gravy and potatoes with an accountant…Just make sure you get them at the Salt House. Yum.(photo: Rachael Weill)
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Check out poster boy, Brad from this season’s Bachelorette. Poor Brad. Accountants never win in the end.
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Haha I love this! You make it sound so simple to snag a San Fran finance guy. You must have them all wrapped around your little finger ;)
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