Learn To Judge A Man By His Hair Dye

Mr. Sandy Blond With Facial Hair

He’s a keeper, as he is constantly trying to compensate for the fact that his beard is the same color as his face.

Mr. Light Brown With Facial Hair

He is totally convinced that there really aren’t any decent chicks in all of [insert every state he’s ever lived in].

Mr. Ash Brown With Facial Hair

He pronounces the “r” in “menage a trois.”

Mr. Light-Medium Brown With Facial Hair

He still hasn’t come to claim the diamond stud he left at your apartment last weekend.

Mr. Medium Brown With Facial Hair

He is the 35-year-old gym teacher who asked you to your own prom.

Mr. Medium Dark Brown With Facial Hair

He smokes clove cigarettes.

Mr. Dark Brown-Black With Facial Hair

Whenever he uses a big word, he quickly follows by spelling it, then recommending that you look it up.

Mr. Real Black Wtih Facial Hair

He has his mom programmed in his iPhone as “Jenny Pink Thong.”

Mr. Jet Black

Though he’s not sure why, he becomes extremely offended when anyone uses the “pot calling the kettle black,” expression.

You Will Get Better At Football Once You Become A Mr. Ash Brown, Yaknow

Eye Patches: The Only Thing Hotter Than Men's Hair Dye

Mr. Sandy Blond

He answers the phone in a freakishly low voice to recover from when he was cast as Peter Pan in the 8th grade musical, due to his likeness to Mary Martin.

Mr. Ash Brown

He is your upstairs neighbror who, despite years of monthly 5-minute practice sessions, can’t seem to master Jack Johnson’s “Banana Pancakes.”

Mr. Light Brown

When you invited him to an Andy Warhol show, he asked if those are the guys who wrote the Sweater Song.

Mr. Light-Medium Brown

He is seriously considering calf implants.

Mr. Medium Brown

He separates his whites from his darks, keeps the toilet seat down, calls his mom every Sunday, and took you on the best first date of your life. Then you saw him hanging out at Moby Dick on Thursday night.

Mr. Dark-Medium Brown

He is convinced that he coined the term “Bros before hos.”

Mr. Dark Brown-Black

He wears that type of ultra-reflective orange/yellow sunglasses.

Recipe For Disaster!

Too aerodynamic. Too Orange. At least you can check your teeth in them.

Mr. Real Black

He actually recognizes and uses the word “neckerchief” in everyday conversations.

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Fear Not, Light-Medium-Darkish-Light-Black-Brown Is Coming Next!