A finer selection of Eurotrash has never been assembled, and they’re all at Vanguard. Lots of languages being spoken here but conspicuously absent is English.

More a full blown rave than a nightclub, the Avalon boasts a killer sound system, attractive bartenders and a veritable miasma of drunk Persian guys that make it their nights mission to jostle me as they walk up and down the floor. Farsi is a beautiful language, but it kind of loses its brilliance after hearing the phrase “Your mother is a whore” repeatedly. “MADAR JENDEH!”

Not specifically a club per se, the Roosevelt still attracts A-listers with its extremely strict door policy and general snootiness.

My girlfriend’s nighttime destination of choice before we started dating, Highlands brings a wide swath of people together under the auspices of hip hop. Because it doesn’t matter how degrading the music is to women, if the beat is right, they can dance all night!

Muscleheads love this club. You can even order creatine in your mixed drinks for a nominal fee!

You would never suspect it, but their creme brulee here is pretty damn good. You can ask Erotica about that: Oh yeah, $15 is the going price for well drinks, so come prepared with cash – and ingrained views of Asian female subservience – in hand.

Thursdays are Asian nights at Mood. Which means lots of cloying around and an occasional interethnic brawl.

The premiere gay nightspot in West Hollywood (and the only gay club I’ve been to… repeatedly) Rage has all of the defining characteristics that make these venues so popular: stiff drinks, shirtless men, and random wackjobs that come up to you at the urinal with unsolicited comments of, lisp “Oh, I just love little Asian boys!”