Recession Concession: Become a Los Angeles Porn Star
People are getting laid off, having their hours cut back and generally having a harder time getting by. But there are plenty of ways to make extra cash if you’re willing to sacrifice generally worthless things like pride and dignity. First up: porn star! And where better to start your burgeoning career than Los Angeles, home to the San Fernando Valley and a whole load of porn. I can’t recommend becoming a porn start, but theoretically, if you wanted to…
HAIR
The most important part of becoming a porn star isn’t the hair you have, it’s the hair you remove. And that means all of it. The most effective thing to do it to get waxed, but this means a few things. Firstly, it means a lot of pain: they pour hot wax on your hair and rip it out by the roots, so you can imagine that its no picnic. The other things is that you have to let your hair grow long enough (even on your legs) so that the wax can grab on to it. This isn’t exactly very attractive while it’s growing out, but it will be worth it when your entire body is smooth and hairless on camera.
Queen Bee Waxing
10182 Culver Blvd Culver City, CA 90232
CLOTHES
The specifics of what you would wear obviously depends on what kind of movie you’ll be in, but there are a few typical scenes that require specific outfits, none of which are hard to find at any of the various “clubwear” stores on Hollywood Blvd. in Hollywood.
Cheerleader
This one is pretty self-explanatory. But make sure the outfit doesn’t have an actual school on it, just something generic like “Cheer” or “College.”
School Girl/Librarian
True, the characters are very different but their outfits are basically the same. The main component is a pair of black, plastic frame glasses and a ponytail holder or hairclip. School girl will have pigtails (think “Hit Me Baby One More Time”), librarian will have a loose bun that is easily removed. Besides that, a short plaid skirt and a tight buttoned up white shirt will do the trick.
College Girl
The required outfit for college co-ed seems to be really short denim skirt with a ripped edge and a small tank top. Oddly enough, this also seems to be the preferred outfit for USC sorority girls, but I digress. You won’t need to hit Hollywood Boulevard for these outfits, just head over to Abercrombie.
Nothing to do with porn (apart from some Furry nonsense and unicorn molestation), but he gave me the brilliant idea for this guide, so consider this link a hearty Thank You.
Fake Tan
A fake tan is imperative. This isn’t just for the camera’s sake, but everyone knows that a tan covers up a lot of flaws. In theory, you could get a real tan, but why risk cutting your illustrious career short with premature aging? You don’t want to end up in the MILF videos before your time.
Take a tip from Lindsay...
…don’t forget your feet need tanner too.
Fitness
You certainly want to be fit before you decide to go on camera in the nude and there are many ways to do this. This might be the perfect time to try one of those Carmen Electra: Striptease videos (hint: they’re on Netflix!) or an S-Factor class. Why not get toned while learning how to look sexy all at once?
Haha, just kidding, you don’t have to act!
I don’t think that skills on a hippity hop are usually necessary, but I guess sometimes…
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Los Feliz
Favorite Food: Sashimi
Favorite Cocktail: Old Fashioned
Favorite Cheese: Brie
Favorite Bar: Open
Favorite Film/Dog: Annie Hall
Favorite Pastime: Not Getting Pregnant
Favorite Fake Band: Alison and the Autistic Lesbians
Favorite Spot: G
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