“Don’t these people work???” That was one of the first things that came out of my Father’s mouth when he visited me in L.A. My answer, “No…or, they’re living off their ‘One Big Job a.k.a. McDonald’s commercial, crica 2003, until they book another one.”

For the most part there is absolutely no concept of weekends in Los Angeles and your favorite breakfast joint will be as busy on a Wednesday morning as it would be on a Saturday. But hey, if you can pull it off, who wouldn’t love being able to spend the day at the beach instead of the office?

“Is that Mischa Barton picking out an orange??” or “Did I just see Halle Berry run a red light???” Indeed all of the above are true. At some point after working out next to Alex Baldwin on an ellyptical trainer for a year, you get desensitized to the fact that he’s a huge star and yet you know what his body odor smells like. There isn’t any other city where multimillionaires and the people responsible for your weekend entertainment, you movie collection and your iPod library are also the people ordering a beer next you at the bar. I’ve gotten past the gawking but for any tourists it’s hard not to stare and inappropriately ask for an autograph.

So, you have the fancy car…..now you better hope you’ve got the dough to pay for valet…EVERYWHERE.
I perfected the skill of parking far and sprinting from place to place to avoid any late night muggings. It’s impossible to walk from place to place, driving is imperative and parking is virtually nonexistent. Signs like that pictured above are the norm.

Yeah….that’s only 100 of them.

Anywhere other than Los Angeles, frozen yogurt shops are somewhat of a novelty again. TCBY has since been overturned by hipper stores with better flavors and even more creative toppings….the catch? They make you THINK that it’s all healthy!! In a city full of women attempting to fit perfectly in a size 2, the yogurt shops have lines out the door. Yogurt is the new Venti Latte and meal replacement for some.

It’s no secret that Los Angeles is all about keeping up appearances. Getting from audition to audition, or from job to evening job as a waiter, you’ve got to get there IN STYLE. People don’t follow you home at night so often people would rather spend thousands on a nice Benz than on an apartment and home furnishings. I had a friend who spent 6 months without a fridge just to trick out is car with some shiny rims…..
On a particularly slow day hostessing at an outdoor restaurant I figured out the math: about one clunker piece of shiz car to every ten luxury vehicles.

The average size of women in America is a 14. The average size of women in Hollywood, is a 0. A ZERO!? I think I was a zero when I was about 11. The unfortunate truth about it is that in order to work, you can’t stand out in the audition as being “the bigger girl” at a size 4. Which is just absurd. The only way for this ridiculous standard to change is for everyone to be more realistic with their bodies. Clearly, Nicole Richie isn’t eating a healthy portion of pasta every once in awhile or allowing herself a “Free day.” So ladies, if you’re living in LA, keep perspective….you’re beautiful, keep your curves and be healthy.

It isn’t uncommon for people to have tried Weight Watchers, Slim 4 Life, Curves, Atkins of the Cabbage Soup diet from time to time. When I drove by a building that had “COOKIE DIET” on their front window, I wanted to find the crazy genius who invented this and kiss him/her on his/her face. Who doesn’t want an excuse to eat cookies all day long? Especially a cookie-free city. You could also pull a Britney Spears and suck on lollipops to curb cravings.