Step One: Gather Your Tools

A Faucet

I know this seems pretty obvious, but it’s worth mentioning. All of you apartment dwellers, you may be out of luck. I just discovered that my complex does have a faucet for just this occasion, so take a look around the parking lot and see if you’re lucky.

Can I Just Use a Bucket?

No. Washing your car with a bucket that you have to fill up in your house is the biggest pain in the rear ever. It’s totally not worth the hassle of filling up a bucket with soap and water, washing your car, then running into the house, rising out the bucket, filling it with fresh water and then rinsing it down before the soap dries.

What If I Use Two Buckets?

Ok, fine. You can use two buckets, Are you happy now? Fill one with soapy water, and fill the other with clean water. Don’t just pour the clean water over the car when you’re done. Wipe it down with clean rags. You’ll rise the car better that way.

Carwash Soap

You have options when it comes to soap. I like the kind that has wax mixed into the soap, but you can go with whatever you want.

Tire Dressing and Interior Cleaner

If you’re going to wash your car, you may as well do it to the max. You can get special cleaners to make the inside of your car sparkle and shine like nobody’s business. It’ll be all clean and spiffy. Nothing sets off a good impression like a dirty interior.

Same thing applies to your tires. Because they make the most contact with the ground of any part of the car (unless you drive poorly or awesomely), they get the most dirty. You can get a good tire dressing that will help repel dirt. It’s not a miracle product, but it’s not terrible.

Glass Cleaner

Don’t rely on carwash soap to clean your windshield. Do you like streaks all over your car? I don’t think so!

Step Two: Washing Preperation

Clean Out Your Car

Carwash day is a great time to clean out your car. Either back up your car in front of the dumpsters or get a couple big old garbage bags and just toss out all the junk you don’t need. If there’s anything you do need, now is the time to rescue it.

Step Three: It's Washing Time!

Rinse!

Make sure all your windows are rolled up. You don’t want to have any accidents with this. Set the brush to bypass the reservoir and spray the whole car with water. You want it to get completely wet before you start soaping it up.

Lather!

Flip the switch and let the water mix in with the soap. Most carwash soap is concentrated, so this will dilute it and let it get all soapy all over your car. Make sure to get the sides, the top and the underside. Don’t forget to get the wheel wells. Those are the easiest to overlook. Go over the car until you’ve gotten all the grime off. If things are super grimy, you may have to scrub a little bit, but you should be fine with just a strong jet of water.

Dry!

Go over the whole car (including tires) with your towels as quickly as you can. You want to wipe it dry before the sun can dry it, so that you don’t get any spots. Leave the mirrors and windows and windshield alone. You’ll be cleaning that separately.

Clean the Windows

You don’t need a squeegee to get nice, streak-free windows. If you wait until everything else has been dried, you can wash the windows with good old fashioned Windex. Just spray your glass down and wipe it off with your paper towels. Don’t forget to do your mirrors.

Clean the Insides!

Ok, this is pretty gross, but you’re going to need to reach inside the turkey carcass and get the giblets out. If you get your turkey from the store then all the bits should be in a little bag on the inside. If you’re cleaning your own bird, you may have to scoop the insides out yourself?

Wait What?

Sorry, wrong guide. We’re washing a car, right?

Using your interior cleaning stuff, wipe down all the interior surfaces. Most of these supplies are equally good at dashboards as they are at steering wheels and leather. Don’t try to use it on any upholstery, because it wont work.

Special Tip for the Lazy Reader

OK, so maybe you don’t want to go through all this work. Maybe you need to get your car cleaned fast? You can go to a professional car wash for less than you think. You can get a full wash (no wax) with interior vacuuming and all kinds of goodies for around $12. Here are some places to check out.

A Hose with a Brush Attachment

A lot of people favor the soapy water and rags approach to washing their car. These people are suckers. You can get an attachment for your hose that makes washing the car easy and fun.

You fill the reservoir with car wash soap (I’ll get to that in a second) and there’s a switch that either pours water through the reservoir or bypasses it for rising the car off, and it’s extra long so you can wash your roof.

As far as the hose goes, you have a lot of leeway. I like those self-coiling hoses because they’re easier to store, especially if you have to keep them indoors

A Towel (or a few towels)

A lot of people think you can just sit back and let the sun dry your car. Why not? It’s hot out, water dries fast.

Rookie mistake! You’ll never survive the fast paced world of home carwashing with an attitude like that.

If you let water dry on your car (especially on the windows) it will leave spots. You’re going to want to dry it quickly. You can use old t-shirts or hand towels for this sort of thing, but your car is going to be way wet. I like to use disposable car wash towels. They’re thicker than paper towels, and they are blue (which makes them extra awesome). I like them because you don’t have to worry about getting them soaked, and you don’t have to worry about what to do with them when you’re done. Just toss them away and let future generations deal with it.

Wax

You don’t need wax, especially if you’re going to be using soap with wax in it, but having a dedicated wax does make it easier to keep dirt and scratches off your car. If you have a newish car without a lot of dings and scratches, you should think about spending some time getting all Karate Kid on your car.

Vacuum

It’s easy to forget how much crumbly crap has gotten into your seats and on the floor. Giving your car a good vacuum is a great touch that it easy to miss. A little dust buster will work, but if you want to get hardcore, you can wheel out your shop vac and really clean the carpets.

Get Your Gear in Order

Get your car to the faucet, screw in the hose and attachment. Fill the brush with soap, get your towels ready. It’s go time.

Let the Car Sit in the Shade for Awhile

I know that it’s a hot day, and that’s why you’re excited to wash your car, but if you don’t give it some chance to cool off the soap will dry too quickly and you’ll get spots. Let the car sit in the shade for a few hours before you start washing it and you’ll be much better off.

Rinse a Second Time!

Now that you’ve cleaned the car, you need to get all the soap off before it dries. Bypass the reservoir again to get some clean water and go over all the places you soaped. Don’t forget the underside.

Clean Your Tires

Use your tire dressing to get the tires clean and shiny! Every part of your car should sparkle!