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Paranoid New Yorker
- by matt_fried
- -
- September 13, 2008
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Face it, America: we live in frightening times. Terrorist attacks. Political divisions. FOX's new fall line-up. For decades, cult after cult has claimed that the Apocalypse is on the horizon. Maybe not, but it sure is enough to make me fear leaving my apartment ever again. Luckily, because of the internet and human laziness, we all can make that dream a reality. Behold all you paranoid whack-jobs and single folk - a single-handed guide that will help you maintain the least amount of human contact for the rest of your days in New York City. Hope you stocked up on clean sox, because you're not getting anywhere near my clothes with all those filthy germs!
Whole Foods Market
10 Columbus Cir Ste Sc101, New York, NY 10019
The war between Whole Foods and Freshdirect.com increases every day. However, you can send a friend/sacrifice to Whole Foods to pick-up some more organic mineral water and soy. Plus, Whole Foods – Columbus Circle delivery service covers all of Manhattan, east to west, from 59th Street to 125th. So grocery shopping is incredibly accessible… just make sure you wear one of those human condoms from The Naked Gun when the delivery guy shows up.
The war between Whole Foods and Freshdirect.com increases every day. However, you can send a friend/sacrifice to Whole Foods to pick-up some more organic mineral water and soy. Plus, Whole Foods – Columbus Circle delivery service covers all of Manhattan, east to west, from 59th Street to 125th. So grocery shopping is incredibly accessible… just make sure you wear one of those human condoms from The Naked Gun when the delivery guy shows up.
Best Buy
60 W 23rd St Frnt 4, New York, NY 10010
You’ll need some form of entertainment as you’re killing time to The End. Unfortunately, the only book you trust anymore is The Book of Revelations. Pick up any electronic needs via direct order from Best Buy. It’s the End of Days, spoil yourself. Get that 59" Plasma TV, that Blue-Ray Gift System, and every single DVD you’ve ever wanted to watch. Credit card records will not survive nuclear holocaust – at least you can look forward to that!
You’ll need some form of entertainment as you’re killing time to The End. Unfortunately, the only book you trust anymore is The Book of Revelations. Pick up any electronic needs via direct order from Best Buy. It’s the End of Days, spoil yourself. Get that 59" Plasma TV, that Blue-Ray Gift System, and every single DVD you’ve ever wanted to watch. Credit card records will not survive nuclear holocaust – at least you can look forward to that!
McDonald's
3410 Broadway New York, NY 10031
My Bio 101 professor once told me that, when in foreign territory, eat what your stomach will recognize. If the burgers from McDonald’s can’t help you get by in solitary confinement, then I don’t know what will. Yes, they deliver.
FOX News... only the tip of the iceberg.
Time Warner Telecom
120 E 23rd St Fl 9, New York, NY 10010
Everybody loves an hour or two in front of the TV. When it’s you and no one else for the rest of your existence? Welcome to your new best friend. Might as well take all that money you’re not spending on daily expenses anymore and drop it all on the best cable options you can get from Time Warner. In this case, you CAN have the bestest friend possible.
Everybody loves an hour or two in front of the TV. When it’s you and no one else for the rest of your existence? Welcome to your new best friend. Might as well take all that money you’re not spending on daily expenses anymore and drop it all on the best cable options you can get from Time Warner. In this case, you CAN have the bestest friend possible.
Bed Bath & Beyond
1932 Broadway, New York, NY 10023
Clean sheets. New towels. Window curtains. Flatware. Rugs. Pillows. Chairs. Desk lamps. Bookshelves. Thank God for the internet. It’s all got to be new. And clean. And fit into your new minute existence.
Clean sheets. New towels. Window curtains. Flatware. Rugs. Pillows. Chairs. Desk lamps. Bookshelves. Thank God for the internet. It’s all got to be new. And clean. And fit into your new minute existence.
Actually GO to class? Are you insane?!?!?
New School for Social Research
66 West 12th Street New York, NY 10011
Everybody wants to learn new stuff about their world, especially if they can do it from the privacy of their homes. Thank God for The New School’s online programs. Finally, you can study the texts of every Apocalypse “prophet” from the comfort of your own home. Can’t wait to show your new knowledge to all those imaginary friends in your head!
Netflix
For the movie geek in all of us, Netflix is there. You don’t even have to leave home to see the new releases and isn’t that the whole point of being a shut-in?
The End of Times...
Minimize The Threat!
Sometimes the enemy could have already penetrated into your home! Through your stuff! That’s right: your vintage Ninja Turtles t-shirt may already be infected with a super-virus. God help that special edition Big Lebowski DVD set you just bought. Hire movers, call a storage facility, box everything up, and pray for the Rapture to happen very soon. I’m sorry it had to come to this, man. But it’s the only way to be safe. Send your Star Wars collection into deep-freeze storage. Hopefully, it’ll survive World War III.
Oh, so you do read?
Oh, you actually are the literary type? Then no better way to pass the time than with just reading. Tons and tons of books… about your own paranoid tendencies! I personally recommend ordering Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? Nothing like reading a good, old-fashioned page turner about fear of your government and mankind.
Barnes & Noble Booksellers
54 E At 3 Ave, New York, NY 10001
BN.com – the library was too crowded, anyway.
BN.com – the library was too crowded, anyway.
Pasteur Pharmacy
806 Lexington Ave Unit Frnt, New York, NY 10065
Delivery service for all your pharmaceutical needs. At Pasteur nobody asks any questions and that’s good. Because really, the uninformed… they are the fools! They are the ones who don’t know and never will! Oh, that they were so stubborn!
Delivery service for all your pharmaceutical needs. At Pasteur nobody asks any questions and that’s good. Because really, the uninformed… they are the fools! They are the ones who don’t know and never will! Oh, that they were so stubborn!
There's a Dog, too?
It's A Dog's Life
300 Mercer Street New York, NY 10184
Just because you’ve decided to cut yourself off from all humanity doesn’t mean your dog did, too. So Sparky needs to go to the park and play and do everything that you’re to afraid of, because what if Al Qaeda is hiding in the dog park amongst the wood chips? Never fear. Turns out, once again, you can plan and appoint plenty of folks via the internet and phone to at least save your dog’s social life. That’s good. Just because you’re waiting for The End doesn’t mean your dog be allowed to sniff more butt.
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