Fun with Texas City Names

by nick_cobb
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November 07, 2008

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Fun with Texas city names. WTF were the founders thinking?

Literary Fun w/ Texas City Names (city names are in bold)

I had been there my whole life, walking amongst such floozies as Bug Tussle, Cut and Shoot, Catfish (boy, was she a catch), Jot ‘Em Down Josie, Toadsuck, and the infamous Squeezepenny. My Tool still had never left the confines of my Knickerbockers. Who’d Thought It? Wearing a Tuxedo and with a pocket-full of Coke, I couldn’t even purchase a Goodnight kiss from a streetwalker with Balmorhea. I was tired of giving myself Strangers and cast myself into Exile from my Sweet Home with hopes of finding some warm Oatmeal to Impact.

It was time to Go Forth, to find a New Home in this place we call Earth. I visited Cementville, Cheeseland, and even Chesterville (all of these cities notorious for having some of the Veribest Nockenuts). The working girls Grit their teeth at the sight of me. My Noodle would remain inactive, shunned even by the Dull Podunks of White Settlement.

Next on my tour was Medicine Mound and Weedhaven. The dirtiest of the dirty wouldn’t have me. What about the druggies and Cool chicks? I met a Weeping Mary — I think she had ran out of Zigzags and was on the Telephone mumbling something about “Notrees” — and desperate as I might be, nothing about a crying woman would make me wanna do the Diddy Wa Diddy.

Uncertain about where to turn next, feeling like a sexually frustrated Rambo in a Concrete jungle with nowhere to holster his Gun Barrel, I studied the Flat land which stretched towards the horizon. I could see the famed Electric City, home of gambling and attractions such as Tarzan on ice. Surely, the Smiley and Happy essence of such a scandalous city would provide me the opportunity to get my Scurry on.

I walked steadily, avoiding the Quicksand and Scrap heaps which spotted the land. I had new found Energy with my goal in sight, a Mecca of debauchery.

One of the last places I passed was Fort Godbehere. The scent of Gasoline hung heavy in the air. The troops were fueling up, drawn like a Magnet towards our shared destination. I’ve known some soldiers in my time, and they would be no more picky than I. A Muleshoe, Shacklefoot, or Gooseneck would all do the job. The city would Welcome us and I’d be prepared to Study Butte. I only prayed the working girls were as much a Democrat as I. If so, I was ready to go Ranger. A lifetime of celibacy left my Raisins ready to explode.

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WTF? Texas City Names

Bug Tussle, Black Ankle, Cementville (their mall pictured above), Climax, Concrete, Cut and Shoot, Diddy Wa Diddy, Flat, Fort Godbehere, Gun Barrel, Jot ‘em Down, Quicksand, Rambo, Scrap, Shacklefoot, Tarzan, Who’d Thought It, Veribest

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Earth, Texas

While accounts vary as to how Earth, Texas got its worldly name, you can take to the soil bank that Earth is the only place in the United States called Earth. (There’s Black Earth, Wisc., Blue Earth, Minn., White Earth, Minn. and Md., Earth City, Mo and Middle Earth, Md. but that’s as close as it gets.) Neither does a global search reveal another Earth anywhere on Earth.

Someone seemingly with all the time on Earth has also discovered that in addition to Earth, the state of Texas has a small solar system of other towns named after the planets swirling around our sun. Beyond Earth, Texas’ extraterrestrial town names include Mercury, Mars, Saturn and Pluto. Several states have Venus, Jupiter and Neptune as town names, though no state has chosen to honor Uranus.

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