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Things I've Learned From The Women I've Slept With
- by matt_fried
- 2 contributors
- -
- January 26, 2009
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Some people learn their life lessons from relationship to relationship. Others from dating one psycho after the next. And then, there are people - like me - who always get the best perspective from a myriad of drunken hook-ups. Personally, I've found you actually see the best, and worst, of people when all you have is 24 hours for some bump and grind between the sheets. This is where you learn some of life's greatest lessons. And, I hope, you wore a condom while doing so...
When in doubt, always say "That was the alcohol talking."
Alcohol – the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. Leave it to Homer Simpson to say it best, because there’s no other way to put it. Booze drives us to do crazy things and say even worse things. If it weren’t for this magical, five word phrase, I’m almost certain I’d be dead by now. Or, I’d at least be in a witness protection program. Use it when the going gets tough, and if you weren’t drunk, just fake ’til you make it.
More often than not, she will tell you she doesn't want to see you again
She’s not stupid; she has needs too. Her’s are just a bit more controlled than yours. She won’t want to see you again, either. And she will drop major hints before she leaves; that is, if she even waits for you to wake up.
If she's gay, you get a toaster
My lesbian ex-girlfriend and I were chatting recently, and she enlightened me to this phenomenon. Apparently, when a girl gets introduced into the gay community, the person responsible is supposed to buy her a toaster. Why a toaster? Practicality, plus who doesn’t love a good bagel and cream cheese? My question: if she’s in denial, but sleeps with you anyway, can I get one? Seriously, my last one just broke.
Things to say after
Never say, “That was a fiasco!”
And, after she calls you out on your lack of vocabulary comprehension, don’t follow it up with, “I meant to say That was an Ordeal!”
added by Hi Liner 12/23/2008
Don't mistake anything for what it is
Haven’t we all met somebody, had our fun, and then expected a bit more to happen? If you’re going to tell me otherwise, then you’re a dirty liar. We all have those one or two (or in my case, five) people that we meet at a bar, one thing leads to another, and then it’s a week later and we wonder why she hasn’t called. One nighters are what they are. Stop watch the John Hughes flicks and get on with your life.
The good guy never gets the fantasy girl
The good guy always gets the girl. She’s just not the fantasy girl you’ve dreamed about – y’know, the Angelina look-a-like who’s super-flexible? Don’t take it personally when this happens. In a city of over eight million people, there’s enough love to go around. Plus, all that glitters is not gold. Sometimes the hottest women are also the craziest, the neediest, or they’re just horrible people. If I have to choose between something that feels right and being with the hot girl with daddy issue, I’ll take what feels right; every time.
That there are still things even a drunk girl will say no to.
added by JayFerris 11/01/2008
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Wow Matt, those two women really taught you a lot.
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