Get Laid On Valentine's Day

Rule #1 About V Day: It's All About Her

Modern women don’t have high expectations of men these days. Thanks to the downfall of modern society, as long as we can talk, eat, and occasionally shower, there’s very little we have to live up to. Of course, when we do go above and beyond, that usually catches their attention. So, here’s the deal: women only ask two days of us to make them feel amazing – Valentine’s Day and your anniversary. Valentine’s Day is one of the only days that your girlfriend will ask you to be Prince Charming (whatever that is to her) and you owe it to them. Because, y’know, it only happens once a year. I’m not saying splurge, I’m not saying be obvious; I’m saying: “Make. It. Count.” A Valentine’s Day to be remembered is possibly the greatest leverage in any relationship, especially considering that she chooses to ignore your mammoth porn collection.

Avoid...

• Taking her out to dinner to your usual spots. You never hear any great Valentine’s story start with “First, he picked up the phone and ordered Kung Pao Chicken…”
• Being secretive about anything. Imagine you get a phone call from the hottest girl you ever knew in high school; she’s in town and wants to see you. You go out for drinks, flirt heavily, and just when it looks like this will be the greatest night of your life – she tells you “I can’t wait for you to meet my husband!” That’s what a secret on Valentine’s Day can be like for your girlfriend: high expectations, big letdown.
• Group Activities. Williams & Sonoma cooking classes can be a great present… on February 15th. Today is all about you two.

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Why Valentine's Day Matters To Her

It’s not the Hallmark aspect of the holiday, it’s the fact that – for some ridiculous reason – our culture decided that everybody needs to get romantic. Women like romance, some way more than others. It’s not that she wants to be smothered, she wants to know that she matters to you. You don’t need to go overboard (sorry, Carrie Bradshaw), but you should make an effort that is personalized and says something special. That’s why I advocate staying away from your prototypical gestures. Think of it this way: if she had one day to fulfill your basic ideal of a girlfriend, wouldn’t you hope that’d include her dressing up like the Oktoberfest girl in European Vacation? Same idea.

Some extra pointers...

• Don’t go overboard on spending. Remember, we’re still in the midst of a Recession. I’m more than certain she won’t mind if you play it conservative this year. Spend only as much as you need to; in any situation, you don’t want to look like you’re being obvious.
• Ask her what she’s up for. There is a lot of romance to surprise, but the only way you’re going to get a sense of what she expects is by asking her.
• Bears are very last century. The only girls getting a stuffed animal for Valentine’s Day should be 8th graders.
• Save the date. Whatever you do, don’t forget about Valentine’s Day. Do what you have to do to remember. Otherwise, start planning for your funeral.

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The Argument Against Buying Underwear

Here’s the one thing about buying your girlfriend lingerie for Valentine’s Day: you may be a complete idiot. I mean, do you know what she likes? Granted, that may sound counterintuitive to the point of seeing the woman you love in skimpy underwear, but follow me on this one. Everybody’s got body issues. On top of that, I’m sure she may not appreciate you saying something like “I saw Megan Fox wearing it last week in Maxim.” Game point? “Aw c’mon, I think it’s sexy.” Here’s what you do: leave the sexy underwear to a couple’s trip to Victoria Secret… or just let it be a surprise everytime. In order for your girl to feel sexy, she’s going to need to feel confident and that will most likely happen if she’s comfortable with what she’s wearing. When it comes to getting you excited, she wants a vote of confidence, not to be introduced to your anime-induced fantasies (that’s for the anniversary).

The Argument To Get Freaky

Just as Valentine’s Day should be about your girl, so should Valentine’s Night. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t get your just due in the bedroom, but… well, did you mess up today? Then in that case, I can understand her icy defensive blitz (sorry, the Super Bowl was last night). Anyway, you want to cap Valentine’s Day with some of the best sex you two have ever had. Have fun, but switch it up with something new. Nothing from out-of-nowhere. If you two always half-joke about the kinkier side of life, don’t think she wants you to buy a harness and the hardest riding crop you can find. Instead focus on your technique: tonguing moves, increasing your endurance, a position that puts her on the absolute receiving end. If you can pull this off, you will have successfully given your girlfriend a great Valentine’s Day to remember. And she will be looking to repay the favor in the near future. Hi, St. Patrick’s Day…

What If You're Single...

Then consider yourself pretty damn lucky. There’s nothing like being single on Valentine’s Day. This year is very special, because it’s a Saturday, which means one thing: you get to sleep in. Valentine’s Day and single folk are kind of like ranch and french fries – they work great together, but it should only happen once in a while. There’s no reason to not go looking for a V Day hook-up, why should your married friend get all the sex? Just remember though, like any other dating situation, no woman is just going to look for sex on Valentine’s Day (that is, unless she says “I want to sleep with you on Valentine’s Day.”) My suggestion: look up a couple of booty calls you’re still friendly with, and offer to take them out. If they’re up for it, they’ll know what to expect and they’ll want it, too. Go out, have a good time, and then bring her back to your place. Happy Valentine’s Day, you scoundrel.