How To Get Fat In San Francisco

THE FRONT PORCH

Go here for a low-key dinner of crispy chicken, crab grits and cod fritters, and wash it all down with some jug wine. The crowd is hip, but it’s not a scene, and the grease is implemented in the correct, non oil-slick kind of way, so you almost feel like you’re being healthy. Sort of.

HOT COOKIE

I say get yours with onion and jalapeno if you’re gonna do it right.

LITTLE STAR PIZZA

Lord help me, I grew up in Chicago, and I won’t even eat deep dish at Uno’s. But Little Star got it right. There’s something about the crispy crust, and the creative toppings that give deep dish a new wave sophistication, while still being an inviting way to inhale lots of cheese. Oh, and evidently, there’s an underground pizza that’s not on the menu called “The Brass Monkey” that is a must-try.

Blink and you’ll walk right past the little sandwich haven. Don’t get scared off by the guy with 3 cats living in his trench coat, either. Saigon Sandwiches is all worth it!

BRENDA'S

Not just any old po’ boy, but a fried oyster one covered with some kinda spicy mayo concoction. I count the watermelon iced tea as the healthy part.

BUTTER LOVE BAKESHOP

For the love of butter, order all items in pie form from Butter Love Bakeshop. The passionate chef and owner has perfected a slew of recipes including lamb shepherd’s pie, veggie pot pie, fruit pies, and her signature “butter pie.” You can also order pre-made dough, fillings, honeys, and various non-pie items should you so desire.

You’ll probably feel sick and guilty for about 3 hours after eating one of these cookies, but that’s why Hot Cookie is open late, so you can feast upon all of your favorite choices without any memory of it the next day. These cookies are the huge, warm gooey kind, stuffed with giant hunks of chocolate, and occasionally shaped like a phallus. I don’t know what’s more obscene, all of the naked photos on the wall, or the glistening, buttery, sugary display of glorious steaming cookie porn.

They sell by the pound, and it’s cash only.

THE BACON DOG CART

We all know that pulverized and encased pigs’ hooves/tails/snouts/butts are best devoured at 2am on a Saturday night, so why not join the masses and flock to the bacon dog cart during prime time? It’s a right of passage of sorts in this city. Trust me, it’s not the kind of thing you’re going to be inspired to eat after your 5-mile morning jog.

SAIGON SANDWICHES

Somehow the cilantro and jalapeno give this sandwich the illusion of being light and fresh, successfully masking the extremely marbled cuts of meat, and globs of mayo. I love you, Saigon Sandwiches.

If you REALLY want to ingest an oil slick, the seemingly healthy tofu version is one toupee short of being a car salesman.

YANK SING

I could eat a whole pot of the scrumptiously fatty spare ribs all on my own. I also find it impossible to avoid over-ordering at Dim-Sum places in general. Those little dumplings look so manageable and bite-sized, yet I always leave with my top button open.

Butter

Come to Butter to a deep-fried Twinkie, and wash it down with a vodka & grape soda. Pack on the pounds white trash style here!