How would YOU be introduced on Jeopardy?

Tips for a successful introduction.

• Include something that brings you closer to Alex Trebek.
• Make sure your intro makes you stand out from the crowd (of three).
• Be sure everyone out there in TV land automatically thinks “Why would you talk about that on national television?” 
• If YOU aren’t particularly interesting maybe someone in your family is?  Use their story!

Alex Trebek:  As a child Whitney once had fleas.  Why don’t you tell us more about 
                    that Whitney?

Whitney:  <nervously, awkwardly, and with a slightly robotic voice>  
                
 Oh. Yes. Alex. I. Did. Have. Fleas. 
 
<speeding up the pace just to get through the story>

Iwenttovisitmycousinonherfarmandpickedupa
barncatthatcrawledupmychestandended
uprubbingagainstmyhair.

<deep breath, no eye contact with the camera> 

AfewweekslaterIcomplainedtomymomthatmy
headitchedandshediscoveredfleas.

Alex:        Fascinating!  And what happened then?

Whitney:  I sure learned my lesson about picking up barn cats! <rigidly smiling and uncomfortably laughing> 

I was just thinking about this!

So lately (as in this past week), I’ve totally gotten back into watching Jeopardy! and just last night I was thinking what would be my little interesting tidbit— most of them are pretty bad, so I guess I don’t really have much in the way of competition. Also I’ve just been noticing that most of the contestants are SUPER awkward—- has it always been like that, or is that just a recent development? But I digress. I’d probably use some weird, story like the time I found a headless squirrel on my doorstep— I know, it sounds like a death threat, but it was just a coincidence.

OMG YOU READ MY MIND!

Every time I watch Jeopardy, my first thought is not “wow, these people are smart,” it’s “wow, these people are boring.” They try so hard to tell good intro stories, but 99% of the time, they are LAME. Here are a few of my ideas:

• I once filled the boot of an annoying dude at a hotel party with beer when he was sleeping. He had it coming to him. He did go on to become a community service superstar, but I have no regrets.
• I cheated at Limbo at one of my Catholic School skating parties. Suck it, classmates.    
• I’m not sure which made me prouder: smuggling in 5 friends for the price of 1 at the Blue Bird Motel on the outskirts of Montreal ($6 a pop for 2 nights, baby!) or smuggling bottles of wine back over the border in the ONE bag Customs dudes didn’t check as “Keep the Customer Satisfied” blasted on the tape deck. What do you think, Alex? Breaking the law is awesome any way you cut it, no?

When I was a kid, baseball hall-of-famer Brooks Robinson slapped me in the face

I lived in Baltimore until I turned 7, and one day while at the mall with my Mom and brother, Brooks Robinson was there signing autographs.  I had no idea who he was, but we stood in line anyway.  Being an adorable little bastard, I asked him if I could have hug (by this point I assumed he was a TV star or something).  So, I walked around the table to give him a hug, and at the same moment someone caught his attention from the opposite side.  So… I walked behind him over to that side, he lost track of me, then whipped around real quick like, his hand giving me the he-bitch-man-slap in the process.  I cried.  He apologized profusely.  I got a signed baseball that I sold on eBay several years ago for $70.  That, to me, is not a healthy return on my initial investment.