It's not me, it's you.

Meet my new boyfriend, The Yeti.

You’re kissing, his hands are unbuttoning your shirt, yours running up his back and… you wonder why he’s wearing a fur stole underneath his t-shirt.
I understand genetics isn’t something one can control. What I don’t understand is men who go around oblivious to hot wax/laser/razor/lawn mowers. Since our teens we are terrorized into being de-gorillaed monthly, under unspoken threats of social disgrace and eternal virginity; hair is only acceptable on top of our heads and above our eyes, in both cases duly groomed. So guys, whether you want to or not, you are joining the club. Look at it on the bright side: you’re still allowed to have a beard.

Comfort is not an excuse for being tacky.

Like most hideous clothing, the usual excuse for the following list of eyesores is the old “comfort over looks”. Excuse me, I’m not asking you to wear six-inch Jimmy Choos, I’m begging you to stay away from:

• Running/Tennis/Tracking trainers in any non-sport related occasion. Your new Nike X89734 belongs in the gym, not in a bar.
• Black loafers are only acceptable when… Right, I’ll get back to you on that. Until then, bury them deep in your closet and NEVER wear them with jeans and a blazer, for that “casual yet classy look”. Please.
• It’s impossible to think of something nasty about Crocs that hasn’t been said before. I wouldn’t even mention them for fear of being redundant, but seeing the number of unfortunate souls parading around with huge chunks of colored plastic attached to their feet, the message hasn’t sunk in yet. There is a revolutionary alternative for comfortable summer footwear, called FLIP FLOPS.
• Surfer’s clothes and accessories belong on the beach or an episode of The O.C. If you aren’t a) catching waves on Bondi beach or b) hanging out with Marissa Cooper, step away from the Oakley gear.

Oh, so you heard about the Clinique new face cream?

I’m all for men who care about their looks, enjoy shopping (yes ladies, they’re out there, straight and as picky about their jeans as us) and – gasp – moisturize. All in a very macho way.
However, a guy’s necessaire shouldn’t be bigger and better stocked than mine. Waxing his unibrow good, giving me tips on plucking and tweezing, BAD.    

Check out all this ice!

My advice to guys who appreciate nice jewelry: give your girlfriend something fabulous, she’ll wear it every day and you’ll get to gaze at it.

Men who wear earrings, chains, bracelets and – eeek – rings look like a bad caricature of a 70s pimp. Keep it to cuff links, designer ties (hey, Hermès ties sure cost the same as jewelry) and a nice wedding band. Leave the rest to us. 

Sing it Lily!

Women love sex as much as men, we just don’t use the “get in get out as fast as possible” approach. For some bizarre reason, that can only be explained by our weird hormonal chemistry, we want a pleasurable experience to last more than… 15 minutes? Being selfish in bed is non-negotiable as far as I’m concerned. If you want to be satisfied as quickly as possible, skip the dating part and enjoy your smooth moves with the two quiet, undemanding partners attached to the end of your arms.

“I look into your eyes
I want to get to know you
and then you make this noise
and it’s apparent it’s all over
it’s not fair and I think you’re really mean
oh you’re supposed to care that
you never make me scream
you never make me scream
oh it’s not fair and it’s really not ok
oh your supposed to care
but all you do is take
all you do is take”

Lily Allen (“Not Fair”)

This is a mobile phone, not a GPS.

It’s adorable when guys send a text or email to let you know they’re thinking of you, but some guys go totally Norman Bates. Five texts, twice as many calls and heavens forbid you should not answer right away; it can only mean you’re in an orgy that involves, amongst others, three dwarves and a four-legged giant cricket.
I’ve heard some guys claim there is a fine line between attentive and psycho. There is no fine line, on the contrary it’s very clear, painted in bright red and signaled by neon signs. Calling once or twice in a day: good. More than that: get a hobby and a therapist.

Music makes it all better

This is my Dumper And Proud Of It playlist, to be accompanied by a margarita while I bounce freely around the living room.

• Tegan and Sara – Call it off
• Lily Allen – Not fair
• Anouk – Nobody’s wife
• Janis Joplin – Turtle Blues
• CSS – Superafim
• Rilo Kiley – Breakin’ up
• Julieta Venegas – Me voy
• Phoenix – One Too Many
• Cali – Elle m’a dit
• Lilly Allen – Never Gonna Happen