Internet Addiction is a Serious, Serious Problem. Seriously.

Portrait of an Addict

This is the Internet addict. Take a close look. As you read this guide, you will begin to have a much more clear understanding of Internet Overuse Syndrome and how you can recognize it, treat it, and hopefully prevent it in the future.

Head Blows Up

The Internet contains a lot of information. Spend too much time on it, and your head will start to blow up. Visitors to your house will start to talk about you. You might think that the more information in your head equals the smarter you are. But really, the more information in your head equals the bigger your head will get. Until it just blows up. And then all the information is gone anyway.

So, take a look at yourself in the mirror. Does your head look a little bigger than normal? Yup, I thought so. Classic symptom of Internet Overuse.

Internet as First Love

You love your computer more than anything else in your life and would give up your first born child (and second and third) in order to save your Internet. This is not OK. Your computer will not take care of you when you are old. Yes, you may think it loves you and will always be there for you, but chances are, it will get some sort of virus and die long before you anyway.

Wait, do you have friends? I mean IRL friends. That translates to “In Real Life.” As in, friends who don’t live in your computer? If not, you definitely have a case of Internet Overuse Syndrome.

Ask yourself why you lack IRL friends. Why do so many people love you on the Internet if you they can’t stand you in the real world? Maybe you’re just not trying hard enough? Maybe you need to take your Internet persona and try and work it out in the real world. It’s great to have a few Internet friends, but when you find yourself making out with your computer, you’re in serious trouble.

You MUST Stay Online

If you have feelings that you absolutely have to stay on the Internet until you say everything you have to say, you likely have Internet Overuse Syndrome. I mean, come on. How long is it going to take you to say everything you have to say. Um, forever? Probably. Which means you’ll be on the Internet forever.

Don’t even tell me I have to get into all the problems with this. Plus, if you wear a computer keyboard around your neck, this is a very very bad sign.

Kids Turn Into Devils

You might think Internet Overuse Syndrome affects adults only. This is false. Children can also be extremely affected by IOS. Lucky for them, they usually have to be in school for 8 hours a day, which may force them away from the computer for at least a few hours. But upon returning back home, they jump online and start to turn crazy.

Look at the above kid. Does your child look like this? If so, he is experiencing a classic symptom of Internet Overuse Syndrome displayed in children. He cannot type fast enough. His eyes are all crazy looking. His teeth start to grit. And basically he turns into the devil. Do not let this happen to your child.

It Could Be How You Were Raised

Internet Overuse Syndrome can be caused in young children easily from scenes like the above. What we have here is a father who, for whatever reason, desires his young daughter to grow up with an addiction to the Internet.

You may think this is all cute. Look, dad needs to work but still wants to spend time with his baby daughter. Awww. No. What he’s really doing is forcing his infant daughter to sit in front of his massive laptop (which is bigger than her entire body) and absorb the information on the screen. I’m willing to bet she already has a child’s version laptop of her own. And that her head will blow up by age 6.

See? This poor child is now question the realities of life due to his father’s Internet Overuse. Not only is he confused about why he has 5 fingers on a hand, but he also clearly has no idea how to type on a computer in the correct manner. If there even are computers with keyboards in his household, he obviously types with only 2 fingers. Sadness all around.

Take a Visit to Your Doctor

Your doctor can quickly diagnose Internet Overuse Syndrome by conducting several tests and studying the subject. Also, if the patient is in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV, and is still typing on his or her laptop, chances are that the patient already has severe OSU.

Also, if you’ve been told you have a tumor caused by OSU and you still can’t bear to put down your computer, you are likely in the far advanced stages of OSU and need serious, serious help.

The Dr. Says...

The only treatment for Internet overuse is to get off the Internet. The doctor makes this sound so simple, but you might have a harder time with it.

Try stepping outside for more than a few minutes. Try spending the whole day outside. Maybe you’ll have to take up smoking to keep your hands occupied. This is OK. Just as long as you’re not near your computer. You can later substitute alcohol for smoking and then some sort of junk food. This is all better than being an Internet addict.

See your doctor for more help.

Get Rid Of It Any Way Necessary

If this is the only thing that will get you off the computer, do it. Some people are constantly tempted by what’s sitting in front of them. Destroying the object of your vice may be the only way to rid yourself of your addiction.

Alternatives include locking your computer in a closet and giving your friend the key, removing your computer’s battery and throwing it in the ocean, or creating a system that will electronically shock you every time you touch your computer.

I vote for throwing the computer out the window.

Listen to Al Gore

If you’re not going to pay attention to your doctor’s orders, you better listen to Al Gore! I mean, he invented the Internet after all, so he’s allowed to say who does and does not get to be on it.

And Al Gore does not want you on HIS Internet. So get off. Before he comes and accuses you of causing global warming or something. Seriously. Be afraid.

The Internet Patch?

So maybe this isn’t quite a reality right now, but I have a feeling this is on its way in the future. I mean, how could it not be? And when that day comes, I recommend you get yourself right to a pharmacy and stock up on these patches. Hopefully you can slowly ween yourself off the Internet without too many side effects. I kind of have a feeling these will be best sellers.

The Anti-Treatment

You cannot cure your Internet Overuse with the Internet. It just doesn’t work this way. If you attempt this as a cure, you will never get off the Internet. You will continue to do more and more research on your disorder until you turn green in the face and then what? You need real help. Help that the computer is not able to provide.

Help a Loved One in Need

If it comes to this, it comes to this. Pack your loved one’s bags and drag them somewhere to get treatment. Somewhere far, far from a computer or Internet connection of any kind.

They most likely will try tp resist your attempts. But remember, you’re doing it out of love. This is best for them. Whatever you do, do not let them drag the computer in the car.

Fine. If that’s the way you want to go, so be it. I’ve done all I can to inform you of your problem and help you overcome it.

Whatever works, right?