How To Get A Drink Spilled On Your Head By An IU Basketball Player
by Elissa - November 14, 2008
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By creating this guide, I will help every young collegiate female realize her dream: To get soaked with Skol vodka and the amoebas of a local celebrity.
Step 1 - Travel Arrangements
Take a drive to pleasant Bloomington, Indiana. If you are lucky, you will pass through such scenic towns as Gary and Martinsville, birthplaces of Michael Jackson and the KKK, respectively.
TIP:
Have no college-aged friend to vist? Feel free to stay with my little sister. She likes to snuggle, and makes very good breakfast burritos. And look! She loves it when I send my friends to stay with her.
Should Bloomington be far from your home, you can visit any other middle-of-nowhere school where there’s nothing to do except drink jungle juice and watch sports. Like these:
TIP:
Remember, sports are the great equalizers that bring scholars and townies together, so brace yourself for some serious yokel action.
Step 3 - Locate Basketball Players
Ask around to find which bar kids go to to see and be seen. Once you enter said bar, make a beeline toward the throng of basketball players. I am told that they generally travel in flocks, and tend to be in some type of coordinated dress.
PERSONAL NOTE: As an athletically talentless woman who went to a small Jesuit school with pretty unsuccessful sports teams, spotting these confident athletes was like seeing the rare Iberian Lynx in the wild. Little did I know that the species has an adversion to outsiders.
Step 4 - Be Seen & Heard
Make your presence known with a loud introduction, and sports commentary demonstrating you know nothing about basketball.
Step 5 - Agitate Team Leader During Freestyle Rap
Find yourself a prime spot near the DJ booth and proceed to disrupt the basketball team’s carefully planned rap performance. This can be accomplished through excessive clapping, fist pumping, or repeat offers to perform your own freestyle rap.
If your offer is declined, cup your hands around your mouth and boo aggressively.
Step 6 - Sticky Shower
Close your eyes and prepare for an icy cold splash. By my calculation, IU basketball players not only like to coordinate their outfits, but also their drinks. This evening, it seemed as if the team’s fortune teller landed on blended strawberry banana daqueris served in 48 oz. karaffes.
Step 7 - Exit With Grace
Shocked, and suddenly realizing that you are both outnumbered and outsized by the IU Basketball team, thank them kindly for sharing a daqueri with you, and slink toward the exit.
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Today I woke up and had the thought, “I really want to get a drink spilled on my head by an IU basketball player. I wonder if there’s a Guidespot guide for that?” And there is!!!
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I have to say this is my new favorite guide. Love it.
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Excellent reporting from the field! This reminds me that I’ve been thinking about writing the guide on how to get punched in the face by a Giant Italian bouncer that looks like Zangif from Street Fighter II.
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