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I See Porn... Everywhere!
- by matt_fried
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- September 18, 2009
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Oh, our crumbling civilization. Have we really gotten to the point where all we do is think about gratuitous sex? In short answer, yes. We could blame this phenomenon on several factors: the change in social mores, a willingness to accommodate the lowest common denominator... the fact that we all could just be perverts. Whatever the case, one thing is true: we have sex on the brain. So, go ahead: indulge yourself here. You know you want to. C'mon - I won't tell anybody. Just make sure you muffle your guffaws so your co-workers don't think you're deranged.
United States of Porn?
Oftentimes, I wonder where things all began to stray. It seemed like – even 10 years ago – the world of adult entertainment and innuendo was something that was completely outside of the mainstream. Sure, well all got excited when we “accidentally” rented The Tin Drum instead of Miss Congenitality, but there was an innocence to that kind of perversion. That was the kind of perversion that won wars and helped Tim Allen have a TV career. Nowadays, it seems like we are in this endless subterfuge of boobs, butts, and cheap sex jokes (“That’s what she said.” – you see, why did I just write that?!?!?!). Maybe this means that our culture has finally suck – I MEAN SUNK – to the lowest common denominator. Or maybe, there’s hope. Hope we can place in the common man! The same common man who demands that Survivor be renewed for a twelfth season, or wants to see the other members of N’Sync on a career path that doesn’t involve death! That guy! The Everyman! …oh man, we are screwed.
Cold Front Necklace
Careful – if you startle it, you’ll get a hot blizzard right in the eye.
The Candyman Can...
I… nevermind.
Porky's
Ah, the 1980s: when you could get off and laugh at the same time. Surely, something has been missed since that magical era when voyeurism was called “adolescence.” Anyway, take a cold shower and have a good laugh – but just remember: you’re still a dirty, horrible person.
Let's Hear For The Boys
Thank God! I’ve been using caulk to fill my manhole, but it’s just not the right job! Maybe you McGard boys will now how to use some proper protection. For the last month, it’s just like I’ve had some unwanted access like no one’s business!" Too far? Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
And They Say "Chivalry Is Dead."
Wow, Archie… um, dude. Seriously – if that’s what it takes to win Betty’s heart, maybe you ought to focus your energy on Veronica. I mean, uh, unless you’re into that sort of thing. Which, I mean, I’m not judging, or anything… uh, I’m going to surfing.
Diamonds Are...
There is no grammarian in the world that could save this ad campaign. If you think this is awkward imagine what all the promotional t-shirts and compacts must have looked like.
Father Knows Best
“Son, one day you’ll have something big to fill.” Notice the look of hesitant fright on that kid’s face.
Welcome To Hotel Smut
Laugh at the marquee all you want, but I love that at this same restaurant, you can apparently get a “Lover’s Only Special” on a menu that features “Mexican, Italian, and Traditional.” Because all romantic meals should include lasagna with a side quesadilla.
Water Sports!
I don’t think you can debate anything here. The geniuses at Kidz Fun are clearly perverts. Yes, you advocated childish innocence. You could say “Well, this is a kids’ toy! You have a dirty mind, like Prince!” You could just flat-out ignore any innuendos… but take one good look at this item and tell me that you would honestly be able to do that.
Bea Arthur
Uh-huh, mm-hm – this one gets no argument: Bea Arthur is probably the definitive piece of found porn in our modern culture. She’s salty, she’s brassy, and – at 86 years old – she’s just dirty. Congratulations, Bea Arthur, you are everything when it comes to deviant sexuality.
Lube job, anyone?
I don’t know what I find weirder: the slogan, or the guy that said “Hey, gourmet Mexican food at a car wash… I like it!”
"In The Mood" (Your Randy Mixtape)
Take your lady by the hand, lead her into the bedroom, douse yourself in hot oil, start feeding her all the hot lines like “Hey, you did something different with your hair today.” and pop in this perfect soundtrack for baby-making.
“Feel Like Making Love” by Bad Company
“Love and Happiness” by Al Green
“I’m Gonna Love You, Just A Little Bit More Baby” by Barry White
“Brown Sugar” by The Rolling Stones
“66” by The Afghan Whigs
“Do Me, Baby” by Prince
“Back Door Man” by The Doors
“Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin
“How Do You Talk To Angel?” by Countdown
“Right Here Waiting” by Richard Marx
“Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye
“The Bad Touch” by The Bloodhound Gang
Wild Things
Remember in 1998 when that infamous scene with Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon was thought to be so dirty? Well, many things have changed, but Wild Things – the erotic thriller about a rich girl, white trash, and two sleazeballs – is still some of the best mainstream smut for your buck. You know you’ve been meaning to rent it again.
Freudian Slips
As research for this guide, I polled three hundred guys and asked them “Where do you see sex?” This was not limited to arousing objects, body parts, imagery, videos, pet accessories, DVD jewel cases, special edition magazines, The Sunday New York Times, autographed copies of The Cherry Orchard by Anton Chekhov, and preferential sexual parties, carbon life form or otherwise. These were among the most popular answers:
Cupcakes
Okay, yes: I can completely understand this one. Cupcakes look like female breasts. I don’t mind holding either in my hands. Half of the guys in this country get excited when they see either one. If both happen to be in the same room at the same time, that would be the equivalent of Christmas and a birthday at once. Nothing weird about this whatsoever.
Parking Meters
Um, okay… sure, yeah, I totally can see it – kind of. Parking meters can look like boobs, or a, um, you know. On a more physical level, I guess this makes sense: parking meters serve a fundamental purpose, they’re fun to look at for a few minutes, everybody touches them at one point. And every couple of hours, you have to put money in them…? Sure… sexy.
Old Nuns
This one looks like my grandmother… eww.
The Chrysler Building
What?!?!? Huh? Men see sex in a classic New York skyscraper from the 1930s? That’s just weird. I mean, sure, it’s got grooves and rounded edges in all the right places, but it’s so pointy! It’s looks like a Nazi salad-tosser – NO I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY!!!!
Mr. T as "Clubber Lange" from Rocky III
Who would find Clubber Lange at all sexual? Let alone Mr. T. This is the same guy who dips flatware in gold and then wears it as jewelry. Not to mention the fact that he will continue to think you as “Deeeeaaad Meat.” Ugh. Give me Tara Reid on a bad day before this guy.
And finally: the 1984 children's cartoon character, Voltron
No words. No words, whatsoever. Every guy I interviewed was in their early to mid-twenties, meaning Voltron – a giant robot made out of mechanical lions designed to be the defender of universe – somehow arouses THE WEIRDEST FETISH I HAVE EVER HEARD OF! An icon from our childhood gets an entire generation of men hot and bothered… that’s it, I’m done. You can have Western Civilization – I think I hear my soul screaming somewhere in the back of my head.
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.jpg "Chelsea")
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nO, NO, I love porn. So GOOD JOB.
.jpg "AlexandraF")
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I bet we saw two totally different things in that picture Rhy!
.jpg "MadeleineVictoria")
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this guide made me laugh a couple times out loud to myself. You know its a good one that way, because its very early in the morning. Great guide!
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