How to Piss Off Your Assistant
by HelenaHandbasket - July 09, 2008
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If you really want to piss off your assistant there are some simple rules. Treat him or her like garbage, make them work long hours, and never reward them for their hard work to make you, the boss, look good. Here are some surefire ways to make sure your phones do not get answered.
Expect your assistant to do the impossible
The word assistant is not short for person with superhero powers who wears a suit. You will certainly piss your assistant off if you expect them to be able to read your mind, do ten things in two different places at the same time and not expect to get any extra money out of the deal at the end of the year.
Always make your assistant get you (and your friends) meal reservations but never take them out to lunch
Here are some fancy places that you will more than likely ask your assistant to get you reservations. If you never take them out to lunch they just might include in the special instructions for the maitre’d to spit in your food.
Bouley
161 Duane St, New York, NY 10013
Fancy French food and wild game.
Fancy French food and wild game.
San Pietro Restaurant
18 E 54th St, New York, NY 10022
Dine with other big shots and complain about your assistants here.
Dine with other big shots and complain about your assistants here.
Avra Restaurant
141 E 48th St, New York, NY 10017
The best traditional Greek food you will have New York. Large portions and lots of fish. If you go during lunch you can pick out your fish from the fish display. This restaurant is huge and great for groups. It is like you have traveled to Greece for a business meeting but you haven’t left midtown.
The best traditional Greek food you will have New York. Large portions and lots of fish. If you go during lunch you can pick out your fish from the fish display. This restaurant is huge and great for groups. It is like you have traveled to Greece for a business meeting but you haven’t left midtown.
Make your assistant arrange your family vacation
Your assistant will probably not have the time or money for a vacation since you work them so hard and pay so little. Here are some great family vacation destinations that will make your assistant wish they were there as they wait on hold with American Express Travel.
Summer is the time to book for Aspen!
Ski the slopes while your assistant skates the icy sidewalks to work.
Make sure your assistant makes you comprehensive travel itineraries
Have them type everything out in a separate document as well as print out all the information from the travel agency and give it to you before you leave. But don’t ever look at it. Make sure you call your assistant multiple times and ask them what your flight number is, when it is leaving, if you have a car booked etc. This way, your assistant will always be busy whether you are in the office or not.
Call your assistant in the middle of the night...
to tell him/her they have to come in early the next day because the printer is out of ink and you don’t know how to open a box and install a new toner cartridge. You simply must have those documents printed before 8 AM because it just isn’t the same reading a word document on your computer screen. It’s just not.
Get mad at your assistant for doing exactly what you asked them to do
You will never admit it but that is what you asked them to do, to the letter. It didn’t work out the way you had planned so it is of course all your assistant’s fault. Complain very loudly to the other employees. Make sure you raise your voice and do lots of finger pointing. The more angry you are and the more you embarrass them the less of a chance they will fight back.
Always make your assistant go out and get your coffee and/or breakfast...
but never offer to buy them a cup.
Ess-A-Bagel
831 3rd Avenue Frnt, New York, NY 10022
The best bagels with Rasin Walnut Tofu Cream Cheese!
The best bagels with Rasin Walnut Tofu Cream Cheese!
Brasserie
100 E 53rd St, New York, NY 10022
Fabulous French food in midtown.
Fabulous French food in midtown.
Four Seasons the
99 E 52nd St, New York, NY 10022
The self proclaimed home of the power lunch. Beautiful rooms and menus that change with the seasons.
The self proclaimed home of the power lunch. Beautiful rooms and menus that change with the seasons.
Norma's at Le Parker Meridien
118 West 57th Street, New York, NY 10019
Great for breakfast meetings.
Great for breakfast meetings.
Address your assistant by any name other than their own
You don’t need to take up space in your brain with unimportant people’s names. Your assistant should know by your tone that you are speaking to them. It’s not like they are a client or anything.
Chunnel of dreams
Your assistant told you about their dream to take the Chunnel to Paris from London while you were waiting for the elevator by their desk one day. What a perfect thing to do with your girlfriend! Make sure your assistant gets you a private car!
Rail Europe Website
Take the train. It’s more romantic and much easier to hide your girlfriend from any friends you might run into.
Paris apartment rentals
You can send your assistant a fabulous picture of the Eiffel Tower from your blackberry. It’s even better than being there because they didn’t have to pack!
You only want the best coffee...
for your assistant to spill all over themselves because you made them get coffee for the entire office and they only have two hands.
Organique
110 E 23rd St Lot Frnt, New York, NY 10010
Organic coffee, tea, and cream cheese!
Organic coffee, tea, and cream cheese!
Make sure you forget about Administrative Professionals' Day
This is an extremely important step in pissing off your assistant. Really you shouldn’t even know about it in the first place. Why do they need a whole day? It’s all about you anyway.
Make sure spouse your calls you 10 times a day...
but you are never at your desk to answer the phone. Extra points if your 3 year old is screaming into the phone while your spouse is trying to talk to your assistant.
“Hello, Darren. I need to talk to you about something that is not important at all. Really, I just can’t wait. Also, I don’t want you to forget about me or the fact that I am raising your children while you are at work all the time. And don’t forget we are almost out of milk. Ok, dear. I will call you back in 15 minutes.”
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Back in the day when I was assisting, I seriously had to go get my boss feminine products… Not even joking.
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You’re assistant guides are so bittersweet. Well, mostly bitter…
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hahaha are you speaking from experience??? I love the main pic…perfect!!
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