Category: Misc.

How to deal with cell phone and internet "Interruption of Service"

By Ben-Kronberg
updated 5 months ago

I hate cell phone companies and Internet providers - they are two of the most soullessly opportunistic businesses that have ever existed. What's the theme song to M.A.S.H. called again?

Cell phones and internet are now necessities. To regulate and control our usage with high bills, late fees and "interruption of service" is counter productive to a rapidly advancing, evolving, need to be in the know-now! society. Landlines are for Flintstones and Faxing is as inconvenient as (i will call and ask if you got the fax - oh shit i forgot a cover page - that will be $10). Most jobs now a days have you apply online - and so many bills are paid in the same manner.

Fuck You! T-mobile. Suck It! Time-Warner Cable. I dedicate this guide to all the people you rape while whispering sweet nothings into their ear. I'm not mad at the people who work for you, I'm mad at myself for ever agreeing to your "terms and conditions" and 2 year contracts and "promotional deals" that are nothing more than a mirage. The ACLU is going to be calling me soon cuz shit's about to go down.

FAQ - What if I can recieve calls, but not make outgoing calls?

This is a tricky way for the cell-phone companies to allow you to use your minutes, and possibly go over, while still punishing you – making you feel the loss, but still keeping you hooked on the habits they help to create.

They will eventually cut off service completely, so bare in mind the inevitable. I had to purchase a “pay-as-you-go” phone recently because i knew i wasn’t going to be able to afford the $140 t-mobile was asking for. I bought a $20 at&t/motorola phone from Radio Shack (can you believe they are still in business? People must really like remote control cars and shitty electronics) – the phone came with $10 of talk time, which at 25cents a minute isn’t that much, but it does make you edit down your thoughts to the necessary words. I now have all of my conversations in Haiku form. This skill also comes in handy when breaking off a relationship or talking to bill collectors – at&t also has a $1/day – 10cents a minute plan that allows you to talk to anyone with at&t without using your minutes.

THE STEPS

Step 1: Take a deep breath, and calm-the-fuck-down. Shit’s gonna be alright.

Step 2: Send an email to all your friends giving them the low-down. (This step empowers you, and helps you regain some control).

Step 3: Call your service provider and check to see how long you will be able to recieve calls. At some point they will shut off all service, but there are other options when this happens. Also, be sure to let your friends, family, and business associates know when your service will be done completely – This works to inform them for communication purposes, but also helps sell your sad-sack situation – you’d be surprised who will help you out when you are in need.

Step 4: Reference the “I can to still make outgoing calls, so “fuck you t-moble” Section.

Just simply talk about your situation to people – those who care, those who don’t – it doesn’t matter – a little subversive panhandling never hurt. If you are talking to someone who “Helps” you out often – start by talking about the good news in your life – like: the “A” you just got on your test, or how great it was that you got to perform your comedy on a Late Night Talk Show – Then you move in with the down-trodden sob story of hardship woefulness – this juxtaposition of good and bad info will ignite do-gooders deeds, or at the very least sympathy and hopefully empathy. Everyone who is alive has had tuff times and everybody likes to help because karma tells them to – if they can’t help they will say it, but probably still be supportive or at least give you ideas about what to do.

Post bulletins on myspace about your situation – include in the bulletin a link to your paypal account – be blunt and honest and tell it like it is – people admire honesty – you can even create a “Donate” button on paypal and copy and paste the html code everywhere myspace will accept it – Include a narrative in your bulletin or blog that will give people a reason to help you. All this effort helps take your mind off of the shit on your dick and allows you to feel the tightness of the butt-hole.

You can pretend you are deaf, and talk for free from your computer.

The two websites below are free to use, and i believe, meant to be for the deaf population, but the great thing is, the operators on the other line are just reading the words you type – they have no idea who you are, and the best thing is:

THEY HAVE TO SAY WHATEVER YOU TYPE – IT’S THEIR JOB.

It works like this: you type in a number – they call it and type everything out for you and then type GA (Go Ahead) when it is your turn, then you type what you want to say and then type “GA” for them to say it to whomever you are speaking with. It’s just great – and it is free.

There is a temptation, albeit sense of entitlement, to become a prankster with this type of technology at your fingertips, but play it cool til you use it for good – then you can start fucking around with people. Karma is the king of cock-blocking. Karma gave Don Juan AIDS.

Library + Apple Store = Free Internet

These are two places you can use the internet free of charge – the Library will sometimes enforce a time limit, or have a sign up for longer surf sessions – so get a library card – it is great to have resources when you are out and about. But remember – some libraries, and definitely The Apple Store(s), lock out myspace, but not facebook (i wonder why?) – so you have to be creative there. If you can’t find a library or Apple Store, then you prob shouldn’t have internet. Also – Starbuck’s and coffee shops tend to have free wi-fi, so if you have a laptop you’ve prob already learned this, but let’s not discriminate against the ignorant.

Network. Talk to people and tell them your situation. You will find out things you didn’t know, and tell them things they don’t know. It is why we use the internet and phone – to communicate. You never know who will lend a helping hand or have the perfect solution to your problem. Cheating the system is fun for everyone.

It is also a good idea to pander to those who care. My dad recently paid my rent because i was talking to my brother about my phone and internet shut-off, and he relayed it to my dad. My dad (I love you Pappy) came to visit from Las Vegas with the intention of giving me a couple hundred dollars to help out with my “communication issues”, then I told him that i needed help with rent and he totally helped. Be prepared to cry when this happens – not in a fake way either – situations that humble can often produce tears, especially if you are a water sign and had to drink a martini and beer to get up the guts. I waited a couple of days then asked my brother for help with the internet shut-off – he totally helped (thank you Derek you saved my Pisces ass) – again – it is tough to ask for help, especially when money is involved, and i can’t tell you how to deal with your demons, but you must in order to move foreward. Fuck pride!

I can to make outgoing calls, so F%^& You! T-Mobile!!!

Below are Links to websites that allow you to dial in your phone number, then the number you want to call, and press a button so it will call your phone (cuz you can still recieve calls) then you pick up, hear some beeps and ringing, and wait for the person you want to talk to, to answer – It is like a 3-Way call with your computer. I hear R2-D2 loved to listen in on Luke and his sister phone-fuck.

Some of the sites have “Free-Trials” so you can see how it works – after you try it, they let you purchase talk-time – usually in increments of $10-$15 – they also allow you to monitor how much you are spending with each call (you have to be using the internet to monitor).

Some of these sites also give you the ability to program your cell phone (it is simpler than it sounds) to access the service remotely when you are not by your computer.

You can be on any computer and access your account and make a phone call – it’s like email or myspace or whatever whatever.
Play around with all of them to see which interface you like the best – blue and purple seem to be popular for these sites, with the color green coming in third. One of my favorite approaches to life lately is: figure out what you don’t want so you can decide what you do want – you can apply it to so many things, and it really works.

Hints

Hint #1: To reduce the amount of money being
deducted – tell your friend to call you back-you then default to using your cell phone minutes (if you have them to spare that is – if not, use your better judgment)

Hint #2: Many of these sites also give you the option of text messaging or SMS. I believe on some of the sites this feature is free, but really limits the number of characters you can type per message.

Hint #3: Whenever you call or text
from these websites, your number might not show up in your friends phone – this is important info to include in the text, voicemail, or email to let your friend know what is going on – after all, we are talking about communicating - aren’t we? Hey i’m talking to you!

Fuck Phones - Use a Webcam

These streaming video sites allow you to communicate through the web, entertain, spy, and the best part is – these fuckers are FREE to use – you can even use them all at once.

Webcasting is my favorite because I am a comedian and into self promotion and you can copy and paste the embeded code into many different places on the web like:
myspace, facebook and livejournal, but unfortunately not guidespot.com – I hope they will allow it soon.

This is a great way to spread a message – for whatever reason – you can also embed the chat portions so you can type instead of talk. Most of them have a recording function that allows you to record and save on the go – the video is saved and accessed similarly to email.

Check em’ out!