How To Creep Her Out On The First Date

Slap Her Across The Face With A Fish

“Brenda? Hey! I got you something – " SMACK! The night has officially started and ended in under fifteen seconds. Congratulations, hot shot. All you needed to do was pull an Aquaman and call on your friends from the sea. I suggest salmon, mackerel, snapper, flounder, or – if you really want to get creative – bring a tin of sardines, and open fire the minute you see her. Because nothing says “love” like using a fish in paranoid self-defense.

Compare Her To Your Mom

What woman wouldn’t be flattered to be compared to the woman who gave birth to you? After all, your mom is the model for everything that’s feminine in this world: style, grace, poise, etiquette… sex appeal. Eck, okay, I’ve now officially frightened myself. I’m going to stop; you get the point.

Invoke The "Bros Before Hos" Principle When Talking About Your Dog

Man’s BEST friend, indeed. The Spice Girls once declared if you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Your dog is like the best friend you can have because dogs are way more sensible than any human being. Isn’t that why they give golden retrievers so many leading roles in sports movies? Emphasize that your dog is like your brother and you always trust what your brother thinks. If your brother insists on sniffing a new acquaintance’s butt, guess what? I’ll roll with my #1 any day of the week. What do you think about that one, lady?

Mention A Love Of Children... Continually

Every woman has a maternal instinct, and they love guys who think seriously about having families. Just put it out there early that the thought of having kids one day sounds “pretty cool.” Let about thirty minutes go by, and find a way to casually mention it again. Why find some time (anywhere between twenty-five to thirty minutes since the last mention) to bring up how a big family is important and how time is ticking away and about how not having at least six kids by twenty-nine is a complete waste of an existence? So much so, that what’s the point of living? Women will love to hear this, especially if you can force the conversation back to this point at least ten more times over a two hour period.

Show-Up Half-Naked

“In my country, they call this man fuzz.” Now, granted, we live in far more liberal times. Most women can get away with showing a respectable amount of skin. So, what if you’re first impression included showing up a tube top and hot pants (which are making a disturbing comeback among men)? And let’s just say you oiled yourself down to show off your lack of work at the gym. I don’t know about her, but this is how you keep it casual. “Excuse me, miss – I’m up here! I’d appreciate that you didn’t stare at my manicured chest hair.”

Instead of Flowers, Give Her A Bloody Thumb Wrapped In Gauze

Flowers? Bah, too conventional. I mean, yeah: you could get her a beautiful bouquet of roses, which are romantic. But flowers eventually shrivel up and die a slow death. So, you’re trying to tell her “Let’s grow old together?” Yeah, I didn’t think so. Do yourself a favor and really make great memories happen. I can’t think of anything better than a disembodied human appendage. “Where did you get this?!?!” Oh, so apparently, I can’t be romantic? I can already see this isn’t going to work out.

This piece of garbage? Meh.

Send her rushing into the arms of a far saner man.