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Sarah Palin is a VPILF and You Can Be One Too
- by improbable
- -
- November 06, 2008
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In the old days, your perfect smile and great boobs would get you a cushy job as a dental hygienist or an executive assistant. Maybe even a place as a second wife, if you were really committed. But it's a brave new world - this is 2008 and anyone can be president. Anyone. So dust off your Wonderbra - you're going to washington!
On VPILF-hood
Were you in your high school’s student government and the cheerleading squad? Frustrated that those skills never seemed to lend themselves to anything practical after graduation? If you’re tired of flipping burgers and think that you’d be better suited to the second-highest office in the land, then you need to read this guide.
After all, this isn’t some “elitist” country where everyone wants to lead by someone smarter than themselves. This is America, where anyone can be vice-president. Anyone. And with a little bit of luck perhaps maybe one day you’ll even be promoted to PILF.
University of Washington - Seattle campus
4000 15th Ave NE Seattle, WA 98195
UW is a great school. Don’t make the mistake of accidentally becoming an elitist.
Step 1: Pick a party
One of the earliest decisions you’ll have to make in your career as a VPILF is which party to represent. The Republicans and the Democrats are the only real players in the American political system, so you’ll have to decide whether you’re more interested in becoming a VPILF-candidate or an actual VPILF. If candidacy is all you seek, consider running in a less competitive party, like the Libertarian party or the Green party.
(The Green party is just a bunch of stoners anyway. If you can get through a speech without losing your train of thought or stuffing a handful of Cheetos in your face, you’ve got a solid shot at the nomination.)
Not that kind of party.
Democrats
No matter how much evidence they find to the contrary, the Democratic party is defined by the outdated belief that the American people want to be led by someone smarter than them. As a party full of socialist elitists, Democrats still embrace education, but any money you make is a result of your privileged birthright and should be promptly redistributed to the nation’s poor.
Republicans
In the ball game of politics, the Republicans are the New York Yankees. You wish you could hate them but they’re just so damn good at what they do. Republicans are often criticized for their hypocrisy, but those who do so just don’t get it. This is the party that likes guns but not sex, kills criminals but not babies, and loves money but not education. Contradiction is built into the fabric of the Republican agenda.
Libertarians
Libertarianism is so hot right now. Particularly appealing to those young people who want to throw away their vote while pretending to be politically active, Libertarian is the new Green.
Whig
For those who oppose the hereditary ascendance of the Catholic Duke of York to the throne of England.
Meet Sarah Palin
Learn everything you can from the pioneers who have come before you. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
How to blend into Seattle's tech scene
You’ll need to understand your constituency.
Step 2: Get sexy librarian glasses
No matter how sure your are of clinching your party’s nomination, ILF-hood can still slip through your grasp. VP’s come and go, but VPILF’s go down in history. (Rumor has it that sometimes they go down in math class and once in the back of the library, but those rumors are completely unsubstantiated.)
Ensure your place in the annals (not a typo) of history and prove that you’ve got more going for you than just your brain. (At least, we hope so.)
The Seattle Public Library
1000 4th Ave, Seattle, WA 98104
Characterized by its unique exterior architectural design, The Seattle Public Library is revolutionary not only in its layout but also in its significant role in the community. Through the heart of the four-story building, a spiraling shelf holds the library's nonfiction collection, creating a seaml...
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Characterized by its unique exterior architectural design, The Seattle Public Library is revolutionary not only in its layout but also in its significant role in the community. Through the heart of the four-story building, a spiraling shelf holds the library's nonfiction collection, creating a seamless flow of the Dewey decimal system where other libraries have to parse it up. A 275-seat auditorium provides ample room for special events and lectures, which occur frequently and cover topics from preventing back pain to adult story times. There are fun programs for children, technology classes for adults and language classes for native speakers of other languages. The library is in the Central Business District of Seattle, just blocks east of the breathtaking Seattle Art Museum and the spectacular Seattle Waterfront.
Kazuo Kawasaki 704 glasses
As seen on TV. While being worn by 2008 vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.
Good start, but Macy’s is so lowbrow. Remember, just because you’re one of the average Americans doesn’t mean you have to look like them.
GOP spends $150,000 on Sarah Palin's clothes
Six figures worth of new clothes and a $75,000 shopping spree wouldn’t hurt, either.
Step 3: Obtain a passport
Not all of the duties of a VPILF can be accomplished within the borders of the United States. Sometimes, VPILF’s need to attend to matters that are best performed, for whatever reason, within the territory of foreign countries within which the restrictions of our laws do not apply.
No, seriously, there are other countries in the world beside the United States. And you might even have to visit some of them. But there is a bright side to finally traveling to the most godforsaken reaches of the world (like Canada). If you thought shooting moose was fun, wait until you discover the thrill of hunting the most dangerous game of all – man.
Step 4: Get some experience
As this is the least important and most optional of the five steps to VPILF-hood, you should work to accomplish it as painlessly as possible. According to the 2000 census, there are four places in the United States to have a population of 1 person. Consider paying a visit to Lost Springs, Wyoming, Hibberts Gore, Maine, Erving’s Location, New Hampshire, or New Amsterdam, Indiana.
Grafton School House and Russell Home – Grafton Ghost Town
Monowi, NB
At the time of the 2000 census, Monowi, Nebraska had two residents. After Rudy Eiler’s death in 2004, Elsie Eiler succeeded him as mayor, librarian, and Monowi’s only living resident.
Lost Springs, WY
Lost Springs has a total area of 0.1 square miles, none of which is water. For bonus points, start a navy and pad your resume.
Eastside Toastmasters
10900 Ne 8th St Ste 900, Bellevue, WA 98004
Get some public speaking experience, you’ll need it when you accept your party’s nomination.
Get some public speaking experience, you’ll need it when you accept your party’s nomination.
He was a great speaker, but how does he look in a pantsuit? There’s a reason he never became vice president.
Step 5: Get noticed
If you’ve followed the guide so far, VPILF-hood should be well within your reach. Now you just need to secure your party’s nomination. Get ready to strut your stuff and shake your moneymaker. Remember there’s no such thing as bad publicity. Do avoid releasing a sex tape for as long as possible, but be sure to keep your options open.
Practice your interview skills
Journalists are like rabid hyenas devoid of compassion. They’ll find a way to spin things and make you look bad no matter what.
Understanding the issues for the presidential election
You don’t actually need to understand the issues, but you should know what they are.
Meet Sarah Palin
Learn all you can from those who have come before you. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
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A VPILF huh? I am aiming for the JPILF…. Good luck guessing!
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