STEP 1. Getting Inside.

Firstly, when you come in, shut the door behind you.  It may seem like we’ve propped the door open to welcome you, but we haven’t.  The door sticks open and lets all the hot/cold air in/out.  If you don’t want to be hated before you’ve even approached the counter, shut the door.

STEP 2. Hang Up.

I know you’re a power player.  I know you’re busy networking at 7 am.  I know you’re a neurosurgeon walking someone through a delicate operation.  I know all these things, but please, please hang up the phone.  Don’t hold it away from your face and shoot words at me before resuming talking.  Hang it up.  All the way.  Then we can briefly converse like two human beings, and you can call back.  If you simply have to talk on your phone, why not call your order in ahead of time?  You’ll get the pleasure of talking on your cell, and I’ll get the pleasure of having your fucking order ready when you walk in, so I won’t have to spend more than a few seconds looking at you.  Win-win!

STEP 3. Make up your mind.

Starbucks truly has a cornucopia of ways to shoot sugar into your bloodstream, and the choices can seem daunting.  Especially since we like to change the drinks up every 10 days or so.  And I’ll be the first to admit, the nonsense names we give some drinks makes things even harder.  Frappuchino?  Macchiato?  You don’t want a crash course in Italian, you want a milkshake! 

STEP 4. You're not fooling anyone.

Ordering your beverage ‘light’ but then adding whipped cream is pointless.  The amount of fat and calories in whipped cream far surpasses the extra 2% milkfat you’re dodging.  Either face the fact that you like a big fat tasty drink, or steel your rubber spine and pass on the whipped cream.  Either your thighs or your self-honesty will thank you later.

STEP 5. Know your limits.

If you find yourself routinely paying for your $5 mocha with scrounged change, maybe you should re-think your beverage addiction.  If you find ways to ‘cheat the system’ and save twelve cents, maybe its time for McDonald’s coffee.  Starbucks sure is expensive for what you get, but hen-pecking your order to save change is embarrassing for everyone involved.  An example of this would be ordering fewer pumps of syrup and then claiming no one usually charges you for it.  It’s 30 cents, if you don’t have it, go find it in the gutter and come back.  I’ll keep your drink warm for you.

STEP 6. Tip!

This is related to Step 5.  If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford the drink.  Just like when you drink at a bar (assuming you tip at a bar), when you order a drink, you tip.  Yes, your coffee is outrageously expensive.  Yes, the atmosphere is grating and you just want to get out and on with your day.  But the lowly ‘barista’ (a ka button pusher) making your drink didn’t set the prices, nor are they seeing a proportionate portion of those profits.  Starbucks corporate does their best to bandage your guilt, by using a small plastic cube instead of a labeled tip jar, but you know what that cube is for, brainiac.