A guide to professional smartassism

Overview

I’m an executive smart-ass. I even have business cards (Nicole Smith: Sucking at life since 2004). I would do it for a living but you can’t put a price on this. Smart-asses are masters of the smirk, their first words were ‘lighten up’ and sarcasm is the only way to go. Smart-assy-ness is greatness, and as some old dead bloke said: ‘Be not afraid of greatness’. But then again, look where that got him – he’s dead. Smart-assism doesn’t die. It’s an asset, seize it.

Colloquial language

That’s ‘informal language’ by the way. (woah, my ego is huge today)

This is key to giving the WOW factor. Mix in posh language with really common terms for full effect. They juxtapose each other and confuse the hell out of everybody. They won’t even know where you are coming from anymore.

EVERYTHING is funny

Seriously. Just look around you… What do you see? A shelf? Shelf means breasts. A bush? Well that goes one of two ways. It can open up a whole new world of George Bush-related humour (the man is smartassian fodder). Just look at people like Jeremy Clarkson… When Richard Hammond crashed a jet-powered car and gave himself brain damage, what did Clarkson say? ‘You’re a crap driver,’ Life just doesn’t get better than that.

Information is power, I like power

Got some info? Know something they don’t know? Use it. Rub in their faces and then make a three-day event of laughing at them for not knowing. Then give it a rest of a week. Then drip-feed comments for the rest of their life. Do it – be the smartassassin. (See what I did there?)

Use fancy words

Here is a list of five words that will help you to blag your way through conversation and emerge superior and right.

1. Fastidious – means ‘picky’ or ‘fussy’. No one ever uses this word, so you know that they have no idea what that are talking about and think you are impossibly clever.
2. Languid – means ‘tired’ or ‘lazy’. You can permit yourself a smirk when you say this. No one knows this word. In fact, this is the first time it has been used in the last fifty years.
3. Smart – Never say this like you mean it. YOU are the smart one. They are your intended prey.
4. Raunchy – Said in the right accent this actually sounds fantastic and drips with undertone. Perfect if you are looking for a laugh.
5. This isn’t so much a word as a delivery. Talk slowly. They’ll miss your genius if you talk too fast, and that benefits nobody.