How to be a MOOCH!

Washing clothing is expensive, no doubt. And so is Febreze. Sadly, being stinky is really inexpensive but also really unattractive- especially since freeloading isn’t a solitary activity and you really don’t want to offend the people you’re sponging off of.

One of the best ways to get away with “sharing a load” is by acting like you “just so happen to have some dirty clothes with you- really just a couple things, that could use a wash.” Then, your friend thinks it’s no big deal to have you throw some stuff in….when really you’re throwing in your entire wardrobe. The best part about mooching on laundry is that you don’t have to worry about buying or lugging around detergent.

MOOCHERS LOVE FREE BOOZE

Mooching is all about getting more for LESS.

Mooching can also mean……not having too much pride to GO TO THAT HIGH SCHOOL PARTY THAT YOU GOT INVITED TO, BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A SH*LOAD OF FREE BOOZE AND BEER PONG TOURNAMENTS.

Whenever people start playing drinking games you’re guaranteed to get more booze for less money, because when people start drinking- they’re judgment goes out the window and they’re all about sharing.

Beer Pong, Seven’s, Apples to Apples (the drinking version) are all good choices. As is going out to a bar where people are ordering pitchers…..fill it up!!!!

It isn’t completely off base for a moocher to lack in transportation. In fact, it’s quite common. And this is why…..WE ENABLE THEIR IMMOBILITY BY PICKING THEM UP!!!!

There is always some sucker who is willing to, “swing by” on their way somewhere and “give them a lift.”

How you get away with this- when asking, make it sound like it’s super convenient for the driver and always, always say, “you’ll get them some gas….” only after you notice there tank is already full then- just forget that you even offered.

If you've been a victim:

LEARN TO LOVE THE COUCH

When attempting to get some “free rent” for a little bit you have to start off without officially ASKING if you “move in” temporarily, but instead…just asking if you can crash.

It’s best to try this method when you’ve had a long night of boozing and you get your friends to worry that it isn’t that safe for you to drive home. They have no idea that they whole idea was to get too sh*tty that they technically, “offered” to let you CRASH…then- after you’ve successfully crashed for ONE NIGHT, you try two night. The way you move into the two night method is by first; sleeping in. Second, going out and grabbing a bite of food or getting really involved in something that will take a lot of time i.e. watching a movie, playing video games, getting stoned, coloring, etc. Thus, the second nighter isn’t even a question- did I mention you have to involve drinking in the second night as well…..

THEN, after you’ve crossed the two nights, you’re comfortable enough and they’re comfortable enough to have you around that it’s almost STRANGE not having you there- thus the undetermined time period of “crashing” begins.

NOTE: If you plan on crashing it’s easer if you don’t have a car and if you have a trashbag of clothing and a toothebrush. Bad breath with quickly get you kicked out.

"Can I have a drag???"

You can always try this one......

But not more than twice.

“HEY DUDE, I TOTALLY FORGOT MY WALLET….You don’t mind getting me do you???”

To be a succesful moocher you have to.....

LEAVE YOUR MOOCHIES WITH EMPTY PROMISES LIKE- Hey man, I’ll getcha next time.


…..which means, never.