A hot tranny mess in a good way - the best drag shows in San Francisco

The Stud is the home of the one and only Trannyshack. Trannyshack is the reigning queen of all San Francisco drag events and has been around for the past twelve years, brainchild of Heklina, the (no, seriously, THE) San Francisco drag queen.

Since it’s inception, Trannyshack has been a weekly staple at the Stud, with its own loyal group of followers. It’s also attracted a steady trickle of people who come for the spectacle – because these girls really know how to put on a show. I’ve had the pleasure of dancing onstage at Trannyshack, belly full of tequila, and I’ve never had a better time. This is the place where I take my out of town friends to show them what SF subculture is like!

At the Trannyshack 2008 pageant, they built a giant vagina made of foam, that actually gave birth. Yeah. Where else are you going to see that? From blow up dolls to simulated sex, this show is PG-13 fun. No matter how wild things get, it always feels innocent to me. Just a bunch of girls dressing up in their mom’s clothing. Last Christmas, the girls put on a Golden Girls theater night, and it was fabuous. Pictures included. Trannyshack is over the top, but never seedy, and it’s edgy in the best way.

AsiaSF has the most gorgeous Asian transvestites this side of Thailand. Seriously, going is here like being in Bangkok-Lite. The food is good, the club is bumpin, and the trannies come out and play! Yay!

While the trannies at Trannyshack are peformative, over the top, song and dance acts like a Berlin Cabaret circa 1922, AsiaSF approaches the drag show in a different vein. First of all, you can’t really tell these he’s are actually he’s. Like, they look like girls. They look girlier than many of my female cousins. Hot hot hot. They are so hot they actually intimidate me. Like if I was in a club and I saw one of them, I’d be like, wow she’s really pretty, I need to lose 10 lbs. Cuz these bitches are skiiiiiiiiiiiiinny.

I remember all the stories my friends would tell me of going to Thailand. They’d be all like, dude, I was in Thailand, and I couldn’t tell if some of the people were girls or guys. Or, they’d be like, I saw this chick and she was super hot but then I found out she was a dude! And I’d be all like, whatever, I don’t believe you, how can you not tell if someone is a dude or a chick. Well, after going to AsiaSF, I changed my mind.

Yeah, AZNs make the best trannies. Is that okay for me to say? Represent, my peoples!

Drag queens on Saturday nights – be there or be square. This is a CUTE CUTE CUTE little bar. As far as bars go, it’s as polar opposite to Aunt Charlies as you can get. In the sense that artsy drag-related photography hangs on the walls instead of like 1970s-era gay porn. Marlena’s is rather tame, but it’s cute, and straight-friendly, as many straight couples tend to come here… I dont know. To walk on the ‘wild side’? Whatever, it’s Hayes Valley. It’s not exactly the Castro.

The drinks are stroooooong. The place is cute. Lots of curious decorations – like a bunch of crowns behind the bar. I don’t know. What king came here to die?

For all you friends of Dorothy, come here because there is never a line for the ladies room and it’s clean clean clean. At somewhere like Aunt Charlie’s, there is probably a dude doing crack in the lady’s stall. At the same time, it’s kinda boring.

Came here once. Not sure I’ll come back. But hey – it was definitely something I appreciated. If I lived in Hayes Valley I’d probably come here a lot but then again if I lived in Hayes Valley I’d probably have a day job and be a totally different kind of person. Was that a queeny thing to say?

The oldest trannies in San Francisco come here. It’s the funniest, best, most amazing gay dive bar in the heart of the Tenderloin, aka Crackhead Shantytown. This shit is for real – I’ve never seen an older man dressed up in heels in my life, and looking completely gorgeous while working it. I love Aunt Charlie’s in particular because I’ve had so many great memories from coming here. From dancing to disco with my friends, to being hypnotized by a 90-year-old man in a push-up bra, AC is hands down my favorite bar in all of San Francisco. Yes, I am a fruit fly, and completely unapologetic.

However, to come here you gotta have a lil bit of a taste for the gundge. This is not the cleanest part of town and nor is this the cleanest bar. I mean, straight guys probably won’t be as freaked out here as, say, Deco Lounge, where gay sex is prominently displayed on every television set in the house, but you need a bit of a taste for the dirty dirt. Like, the bartender will make you a drink with so much liquor in it that it’s basically a roofie, and stir it with his bloody finger instead of a spoon.

But if you can handle the grime, you’ll never have a bigger blast than at AC. I bring my boyfriends here. And they love it (or so they say).

A drag queen here will be the kind of drag queen who will pull a tamale out of her butt and then eat it. Okay fine, not really her butt, but she’ll put it out of her pants and then eat it. So it’s relatively PG. Whatever. You’ll love it. No, seriously, you’ll love it. Because this place epitomizes “hot tranny mess.” I’d even abridge that phrase to “hot tranny disaster,” as it’s the mecca of all tranny messes. Glorious!

Come here every third Saturday for FauxGirls. They relocated here from Deco to keep the gay hustler culture of Polk Street alive and well, and thank you for that.

Seriously, Polk Street is so lame these days. Yuppie galore. Yawn. Where the nasty at?? Keep that nasty around!!!

I saw this South Park of SF, where every third building was like, a wine and cheese shop. Is that the kind of SF we want around? Ugh. A land where everyone drives a hybrid? And eats fine cured meats from Italy? Pinot Grigio at lunch? No seriously, yawn. We need drag shows to keep that lifestyle at bay. Or, as far into the reaches of the Marina as possible, as to not trickle down into the rest of society where we like our tamales just fine, delivered straight out of tranny pants.