How To Holiday Shop Without Committing A Murder
by Coffee Slut - December 13, 2008
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I've never murdered anyone while shopping, or uh... at all for that matter. Yet, I have come so very close. What can I say, people annoy the crap out of me! Especially over the holidays, we must have ways to deal with long lines, crowded shopping centers, pushy parents, and slow poke Pam's. I have developed a list of tactics that could work, while I'm out doing holiday shopping. Some of them will succeed, while others may just keep us from going over the edge. People are strange and here's how to deal with them...
Just so that everyone is aware...
I have not tried any of these strategies yet, but they all came from my head. So they seem like pretty good strategies. If anyone has a chance to try them, please let me know the outcome.
That is of course if you get thrown in jail or attacked, but that is VERY unlikely. I have confidence in them.
The Shove Technique
There is just no reason to let anyone get in your way. If you give a little shove here and there, they’ll know that you mean business.
The Shove Technique:
1. Use the elbow
2. Find a soft spot that might hurt a little, like the rib cage.
3. Always say excuse me. (Even though you may not mean it.)
4. Give an apology afterward, just in case they have a gun tucked away.
Belmont Army
855 W Belmont Ave, Chicago, IL 60657
Cool clothes and make awesome gifts. They have a new building on Belmont with 4 floors!
Cool clothes and make awesome gifts. They have a new building on Belmont with 4 floors!
Move To The Front Of The Line
Why wait in line when you can just do this…
Pull out your credit card and say very very loudly in the manager’s direction, “I have so much money on this. I mean this card is limitless.”
Suddenly, they point at you and motion you towards the front of the line. WARNING: People will be upset and angry towards you. It’s alright though, just use the ignorance tactic.
Crate & Barrel Outlet Store-#101
1864 N Clybourn Ave, Chicago, IL 60614
They have everything you could ever want in your home. This location is the outlet store, so it’s a bit cheaper.
They have everything you could ever want in your home. This location is the outlet store, so it’s a bit cheaper.
Remember These?
Oh the tickle me Elmo. What an annoying toy this was a few years back. I never bought one, but we must be prepared for people obsessing over the next tickle me Elmo. I’m not sure, but this one could come with an iphone.
In which case, I’ll be after it myself.
Avoid Crowded Areas
Try to do your shopping during the day on a weekday. That is the best time to go. If you decide to do your shopping on the weekends, just remember that areas such as Michigan Avenue in Chicago are not such a good idea.
Tourists venture here because they don’t know where else to go. Many of these shops are located in calmer parts of the city.
Attack Strategies
Found an item you NEED? Instead of taking your frustrations out on the people around you (because they are annoying) just go ahead and attack that item you want to buy.
It’s ok, you’re going to buy it anyway. So just go ahead and slobber on it if you need to. It’s better than going to jail!Online Shopping
Instead of going out amongst the crowds, sometimes the safest way to go is just online shopping. Now, I HAVE performed this strategy and I think it is the most successful.
Body Shop the
845 N Michigan Ave, Chicago, IL 60611
Easy gifts that are smelly and fun. Girls love this store!
Easy gifts that are smelly and fun. Girls love this store!
Take Karate Classes
You never know when you might need to pull out a karate kick or a chop. Just remember, you are not there to kill, just to warn. Violence is not the answer, but you need to be prepared.
Clothes Minded
1735 N Damen Ave, Chicago, IL 60647
They are a little expensive, but they have sales often. All of their clothes are hip and trendy, and it would be a great place to get your mom out of those Mom Pants.
They are a little expensive, but they have sales often. All of their clothes are hip and trendy, and it would be a great place to get your mom out of those Mom Pants.
Meditate or Just Cry
I would recommend some meditation before you go out shopping and after. This will help to calm the nerves and put you in a comfortable place.
There may be some crying involved after the shopping experience, but just let it flow. It’s a nice release from the pressures of shopping. This has really worked for me.
Put On An Act
Pretend that you are helping a friend pick out a fabulous item. Then, we they are least expecting it, snatch the item and claim it for yourself.
If they suspect that you may want this for yourself, just say you are thinking about giving this to them for Christmas but you don’t want to spill the beans.
Una Mae's Freak Boutique
1528 N Milwaukee Ave Apt 1, Chicago, IL 60622
Freaky, awesome, vintage stuff!
Freaky, awesome, vintage stuff!
MacY's
State St, Chicago, IL 60607
Everything you could ever need for anyone. They always have sales before and after the holidays. Just don’t forget to go here during the week and get your Dad some new Dad Shirts.
Everything you could ever need for anyone. They always have sales before and after the holidays. Just don’t forget to go here during the week and get your Dad some new Dad Shirts.
Picture Rainbows and Daisies
Just picture rainbows and daisies throughout the shopping day. We all know that they take us to a happy place, and that is where we want to be. A happy place.
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Prety sure my mom like, slept outside for a tickle me elmo for my little sister one year…..pretty sure…..
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I do 100 (read: ONE HUNDRED) percent of my shopping online. I will not be caught dead in any sort of store with any member of the public this time of year. Insane!
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did you hear about the wal-mart worker that got trampled on black friday?? i’d have to say that filene’s basement is the chicago shopping spot that makes me want to kill people the most. have you been?
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