Cocktail Pary Guide #1: How To Impress A San Francisco Hipster

The insular cortex of the common day hipster tends to swell proportionally to the level of danger you attribute to your neighborhood. Muggings, slashed tires, and knowledge of what those little glass rose things at the gas station are really for, all count as bonus points.

If this doesn't make a hipster emotional, I don't know what might.

…just lighten up the mood by sharing that you want to be cremated and have your ashes pressed between a vinyl recording of your last will and testament, then auctioned off at the 826 Valencia or something.

You may be able to keep them fooled when you force them to watch your Ultimate Kylie DVD set over a jug of Carlo Rossi sangria. Just don’t show that you’ve got all of the dance moves memorized, and feign shock and confusion when you realize that she actually sang that “celebrate good times” song.

Do your homework on Love Roses.

In what was quite possibly my best 20 minutes spent in San Francisco, a nice man with sparkly blue nails at Le Video passed along a business card featuring a few shamrocks and a phone number, which I called quickly, and without question. In no more than 10 minutes, a mysterious Chinese man in a rusted white Corolla picked me up, almost got in an accident with a bus, yet managed to deliver me 3 miles away for a mere $10 during rush hour. I no longer use any other cab service. So since your fancy bicycle with the curly-cue handlebars obviously got stolen in your borderline neighborhood (see rule # 1), you won’t need to resort to walking all the way home in your sailor shoes.

Lucky Shamrock Cab...Keeping Your Boating Shoes Fresh

…Who gave you a D on your clay model of a vulva. “God, what a square,” you’ll say. “She just can’t appreciate revolutionary ideas.

(photo: Sony Pictures)

Always compliment them on their neck accessories.

Whether it’s a neckerchief, or just plain old hair, those hipsters love what’s just under their chins.