Happy Emo Thanksgiving

“Hiiiiiiii, Cousin… Andrew?” That would be the homing beacon of three very unbearable hours ahead of you. Now, assumedly, talking to family you barely know isn’t a very hard challenge anymore. There’s lots of things to tackle this year: politics, sports upsets (championships in Boston and Philadelphia), movies, music, politics, the economy, going green, politics, the internet, blogging, politics. Of course though, even with a wide menu of options, that still doesn’t mean anyone is going to be very engaging. And if anyone brings out a family album, consider your night toasted. Your best option is to just grin and bear it, you do only see these people once a year. Just think about all the quirky banter you’re going to get for your blog.

Huh, well – this really makes the holiday memorable. But really, let’s be honest: there were plenty of signs. The love of Broadway musicals. The fact that it took him six months before he kissed his last girlfriend. His really, really intense liking of the BBC comedy, Coupling. Maybe – in some weird way – you and all your other friends always knew, you were just waiting for him to get it. Anyway, so the cat’s out of the bag; now what? Well, there is probably a good chance your best friend has told you before the rest of his family. I would say give him some breathing room on the actual day of the holiday, it’s going to be interesting. In the meantime, he’s still your friend. Be there for him. Hell, if he needs someone to go to a gay bar with him, consider yourself a wingman. Your benefit? Someone is bound to buy you a drink.

You break-up with your girlfriend

So, you’ve decided to go in for extra pumpkin pie and a side of giving your girl the ax. Rough. Holiday break-ups are always tough. You want to be around the people you love and you just want everybody to be happy. You’ve probably also been wondering what happiness feels like, since every conversation you two have these days seems to end in a fight. And it probably isn’t made any better by the sobbing apologies and the now middle-of-the-road break-up sex. Anyway, I don’t envy what you’re about to do. Just don’t convince yourself that doing it over e-mail – or sending her a mixtape of your feelings – will actually make it better. Lastly, if the impossible happened, and you somehow managed to sleep with you high school crush, don’t think you that’s grounds for a new relationship. What you have is one girl you need to stop dating and another girl that doesn’t want to see you again.

Because of the convenience of the Thanksgiving weekend, plus the fact that I guess the alumni society is too lazy to plan otherwise, you’ve just been invited to reunite with a bunch of people you never really talked to! The five year high school reunion is an event definitely worth going to, if you can make it. You would be surprised what people turn into barely a year and a half out of college. Plus, I guess some people really, really enjoy the advantage of an open bar. So much so that you may be able to say afterwards that you were one of the few sober folks there. Believe me: you’ll want that distinction. If you ever wanted a good reason to spot getting moody around the holidays, go to your high school reunion.

There's time to kill before you leave

Okay: holidays survived – check. Drama out of the way – check. One night out to see all of your old friends – check. Great… now what? It’s only Friday and there’s nothing to do. You could go back home (meaning wherever you live now), but you’ll get a guilt trip from your parents. So now… only thing to do is wait, wait, and wait until something interesting happens. Bad news: you coming home was the most interesting thing of the last couple of months. Good luck surviving the next two days.

Check The Links

Maybe the only real reason I get so soul-search-y this time of year is because my birthday also falls on the week of Thanksgiving. This year I will be 26 which officially means that any emo boy behavior I may still have goes from being “tolerable” to “sad”. Holiday birthdays can usually mean a few things, but it just seems to give extra weight to a certain week of the year for no particular reason. In the case of Thanksgiving, it’s cold, it’s charming, and you’re surrounded by people you haven’t seen all year. I guess I can’t help but get a little pensive. I hate to think what the kids on Arbor Day have to deal with.

Ouch. It’s now more than clear: you will never hook-up with Meridith Crosbie. The girl you once dreamed about running off to New York and opening a video rental store with is going to spend her life with someone else. It recently occurred to me that we never seem to let go of our first crushes as easily as people we can know for as briefly as half a week. Funny how we like to pretend that we actually know better than “casually” looking that girl up on Facebook. Or even exchanging a witty message with her; because now that you can make a clever John McCain joke, she’s going to totally throw herself at you. My advice: get together with your friends, go get a drink, and just accept that the dream is over. It probably wasn’t going to work out anyway. I mean, she did go up to become pure evil.

That’s just annoying… I still say “Down with Prop 8”.

Gulp. Gggggggrrrrrreeeeeaaaatttttt. This is the real conversation I’ve been waiting to have since I got home. In the movies, this would be the part where I would leave the house and ride around the town I grew up in on a motorcycle, while Vampire Weekend played in the background. What I instead get to do is listen to my dad lecture me about the requirement of getting a 9 to 5 and my mom enduring the stigmata of me getting my health insurance from an HMO. HEY – THAT HOT DOG STAND WOULD FALL APART IF I WEREN’T THERE TO OPEN IT EVERY MORNING! I PAY TAXES, TOO! Once again, that’s what I’d say if this were a movie and I had the guts to stand up for myself. Instead, I’m going to eat a leftover turkey sandwich and enjoy the feel of my eyes glaxing over.

Everyone you knew wants to get drunk with you

This also coincides with the high school reunion aspect, because every year you don’t have a reunion, alcohol will be your reason to get together. The random grad school house party maybe your last chance to finally hook-up with the girl you never had a shot with as a teenager. It will also be a good time to level out the playing field with people you barely knew. If you decide to party with semi-casual acquaintances, prepare yourself for quite a bit of drinking before anybody is going to get at all social. After that, expect a lot of bro hugging, a lot of “We should totally hang out more!”, and the always welcome “You’re so much hotter than you were in high school!” Thanks Mike, I’m flattered, but I’m not interested. Please get your hand off of my ass.

It's A South Jersey Thanksgiving, Matt Fried

It wouldn’t be the holidays without a tour of the boring existence I used to live in.