An Ounce (or Ounce and a Half if You're Using the Other Side of the Jigger) of Prevention

Drink Yourself Silly (with Water)

Now I’m no doctor, but my in my extremely limited understanding of the human body, I’ve come to believe that all the unpleasant consequences of a heavy night of drinking (headache, nausea, waking up next to fellow Guidetripper GillianS) can all be blamed on dehydration.

Using a process of Boozemosis, alcohol replaces all the live giving water in your body with Segrams 7 and store bought Lemon Drop mix. The alcohol then evaporates, leaving you with no liquid at all. It happened to Nichole Richie, and it’ll happen to you too if you’re not careful. My science may not be 100% accurate, but my conclusion is sound. Drink hella kinds of water and you’ll lessen the blow the next morning.

But How Much Water?

I’ve heard that you should drink a full glass of water for every boozey drink you consume. That way, you’re ahead of the hydration war. The smart thing would be to alternate Mojtios and glasses of water. But when you’re in a crowded club and you just fought past a pack of sorority girls to get to the bar, you don’t want to waste the bartender’s time asking for some water. Sure, you can just get a glass of water when your order your drinkeydrink, but that’s more complicated then it’s worth.

I just wait until I get home and drink my accumulated water total all at once. When I’m out drinking, I keep a running talley on my arm, so when I get home (after I yell at my dog for not paying rent) I know exactly how much to drink. It can be pretty awful drinking that much water in one go when you’re tired and dizzy and seeing pink elephants.

It’s even worse when you’ve brought someone home with you. Nothing kills the sexy time mood worse than taking a break from sloppy makeouts to drink directly from the Brita. All the same, you want to replace the fluids that you’ve lost due to Boozemosis.

Pay Attention to What you Drink

In addition to the dangers of Boozemosis, you also have to worry about congeners. They are the extra poisons that live in booze and try to make you suffer. They are evil. The darker your booze, the more of them that are lurking about, plotting your demise. Vodkas and Vodkas’s Christmas Tree cousin Gin are good choices. Brandy, while making a fine wife, is not a good choice for drinking if you’re trying to avoid taking the H train to Angover Station.

Additionally, the cheaper a drink is, the more congeners are contained within. So while the Vodka with the plastic bottle larger than your head that you got for $3.50 might seem like a good deal now, later you will suffer for your thrift like never before.

Red Wine also has a third toxin that makes its hangovers even worse. Avoid cheap red wine like the plague (which, incedentally was caused when a rat fell into a box of Franzia).

Don't Waste Your Time With Pills

There are a lot of products on the market that are supposed to help prevent a hangover. Some of them are meant to be taken before you start drinking, some can be used after you’ve had a few. I’ve never had good luck with any of them, so use them at your own risk. You’re better off with the proven methods.

Supplemental Information

A Pound(ing Headache) of Cure

Take Two and Don't Call Anyone in the Morning

If you don’t have anywhere important to be in the morning, take two advil and go back to sleep. It’ll give the ibuprofen a chance to work its magic, and you’ll wake up feeling a little bit better.

Do not take Tylenol. It’s active ingrediants might make your liver explode. No joke.

Replace Your Electrolytes

Boozemosis has stolen some important nutrients from you during your long night of drinking. While you’re hydrating yourself, you may as well add back some of the electrolytes. A lot of people swear by pedialyte, but I’m a much bigger fan of Gatoraide.

Take a Shower

Nothing cures the malaise and general “blah” of a hangover like nice warm long shower. I suspect that it has something to do with combating Boozemosis and restoring the equilibrium or some such junk. All I know is that it does wonders for my ability to leave the house after a really bad hangover.

Eat Something Greasy

I know this one sounds counter intuitive, but if you’re feeling super sick and gross, your best bet is to eat something that is just swimming in grease. Somehow it coats and settles your stomach. I find that fried egg sandwiches work well. Another popular stop is Jack in the Box for the Sourghdough Jack. It’s the only time I can stomach the thing, but when I’m hungover, nothing is better for curing my ills.

Milkshakes are also a good way to go. They’re cold and thick and if you do throw them back up, they feel really cool coming back. I’m sorry, was that gross? It seemed gross when I was writing it.

Watch What You Eat: A Cautionary Tale

OK, I’m only telling you this story because I trust you. We’re all friends here.

Once upon a time, after a particularly drinktastic Halloween in Santa Cruz, I decide to make a trip to Jack in the Box in an attempt to cure the gurglies.

I pick up my usual hangover cure meal: Sourdough Jack, Curly Fries, Milkshake and I’m driving back home. I’m pretty excited to start feeling better, so I’m eating while I drive. I’m a pretty accomplished practitioner of the driving while eating maneuver, and I’m great at not taking my eyes of the road while I eat. Safety first, that’s my motto.

While I’m driving, I happen to drop a curly fry onto my lap. As I mentioned before, I’m great at eating and not taking my eyes off the road. One of the skills I’ve acquired in my pursuit of this is increased spatial awareness. I can tell exactly where on my leg there is extra weight and without missing a beat I scoop the object up and toss it into my mouth.

Except that as the “fry” is leaving my hand, it stings me. It’s at this moment that I know something is terribly wrong. I have picked up, not a curly fry, but a bee. Unfortunately, I’m also a very efficient eater, and I’m already chewing by the time the bee enters my mouth.

I chew it up for a bit while my brain is attempting to process the situation. I’m trying to figure out why my thumb hurts. I’m trying to figure out why the curly fry tastes so weird. I’m trying to figure out if I should spit it out or just go ahead and finish the meal.

Showers or sleep or pain relievers; there is no hangover cure more powerful than eating a bee. It somehow shocks your whole body back to normal. I don’t recommend you try it at home. It hurts quite a bit.