Their burgers aren’t great. None of the food at Chili’s is all that spectacular. However, sometimes the craving for a Big Mouth Burger just hits, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I especially like those special times of the year when they let you build your own burger. There’s nothing that you couldn’t normally just special order, but it’s nice to know you’re not being a bother when you ask for Awesome Blossom Strings and avocado.

This is THE burger place where my girlfriend grew up, and despite the fact that we’ve been visiting her parents once every few months for more than three years, I’ve only been twice. Why is that? Because this place is never open. It’s not open on Sundays. It’s not open on holidays. It’s not open anywhere near Christmas or Thanksgiving. How does a business survive being closed this often? By serving the best burgers in the East Bay. Juicy and cooked to perfection, served with all the fixings right at your table. If you have a big appetite (or want to show off with how much beef you can put away) they serve some pretty large burgers. I tend to go with a burger on the smaller side so that I can save room for their milk shakes, which are the best in the Bay Area.

I know it’s an obvious choice, but despite their near blanketing of San Francisco and their kitschy tourist appeal, Mel’s makes a damn good burger. They’ve got a lot of options for what can go on the burger, and despite how crowded they can get, they always turn a crowd over quickly. What can I say? I’m a sucker for 50’s diners.

When you want variety, The Counter is the place to go. Featuring a unique scantron ordering system, you fill out what you want in intricate detail. You have patty size choices, choices in what the patty is made of (chicken, turkey, veggie, beef), multiple cheese options, multiple veggie options, multiple sauce options, and all kinds of premium extras. It can be a little bit overwhelming, so I try to make a theme burger. I’ll throw down some pepper jack cheese, some guacamole and olives with a spicy sour cream, or a chicken sandwich on an English muffin with goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes. Their fries are great and one order is big enough to share.

I want to start this off by saying that Kirk’s makes a really tasty burger. It’s tender and juicy and really well cooked. That being said, I have no intention of going to Kirk’s ever again. The reason: They lie about their fries. They quite clearly post on their menu about their “steak fries.” What they serve, however, is wedge fries. I don’t mind if a place serves “fries” and then they put out those horrible wedge monstrosities, but when you say steak fries on the menu, then I’m kind of expecting steak fries. Sure, they’re both potato based products,and they are both fried, but isn’t that a bit like advertising ranch dressing and then serving bleu cheese? Sure, they are both dressings, and they look a little bit alike, but the whole taste is off. Steak fries are the worlds most perfect potato product, and wedge fries are an abomination in the eyes of the tater lord.

This was a destination lunch when I was working in Mountain View. Too far away and too slow to go all the time, it was a fantastic special treat. Cooking their burgers on a charcoal broiler makes the burgers taste like when you were a kid at a backyard barbecue, but cooked with really good hamburger. Clarke’s claims to use beef that’s only been ground once, which means that the meat they use is so tender that it really has no business being in a hamburger in the first place. They have a great fixings bar, with mayo and relish and an assortment of sauces. They can run on the pricey side, but the cost is worth it for the best cooked burger in the Bay Area.