It Touches Us All

Sooner or later everyone will be touched by grief. Not the passing sadness at the death of an acquaintance, but the abject, almost unbearable pain of losing someone very dear to us. Whether it is the unthinkable loss of a child to war, disease or accident; the passing of an intimate friend, or the normal circle of life when parents, older siblings and friends leave our physical presence. Grief will one day stretch its icy fingers to touch all of our lives.

Here is the good news: we have the capacity and resources to survive even the deepest, darkest days of loss. The ‘bad’ news is, we realize that capacity only by feeling, living and experiencing grief. Moreover, it cannot be done in solitude.

When Grief is Multiplied

Especially in the death of an elderly loved one, it is common for a spouse, or ‘significant other’ to seemingly lose hope, or give up.

My personal story mirrors this aspect of grief. My father has suffered with kidney and liver disease for several years, but was not incapacitated. While my mother was alive, they went out to dinner occasionally, took afternoon drives together and attended church regularly. They would sit in their living room and talk, watch a football game or pray together and dad happily continued his thrice weekly dialysis treatments. Having been together for nearly sixty years, theirs was a comfortable relationship that still contained the marks of deep and abiding love.

Unfortunately, almost from the moment dad discovered mom’s lifeless body, his health began to decline. He grew rapidly weaker and showed not only emotional, or pyschological signs of deterioration, there were genuine and immediate changes in his physical condition. Suddenly, it was a chore to get him out to his dialysis treatments, he dreaded doctor appointments and soon took to his bed and unless coaxed, will not leave his room.

What should we do if faced with this situation? Assuming that their mind is relatively clear, encourage them, help them if the ask, but most important, remember that they have lived many years and do not need to be treated as a child. Let them make the choices as long as they are able. In such times, about the only thing they have left is a modicum of human dignity. It is vital that we not take that away from them unless absolutely necessary. Everyone will have an opinion about what could or should be done, the opinion that should carry the most weight belongs to individual. We only compound their suffering when we try to do what we think is best.

Obviously, if the person suffers from Alzheimers or dementia, then certain decision will have to be made by others. If that becomes necessary, try diligently to make them based on who the person was before the disease. Do not define your loved one by the illness with which they are afflicted. Living with it 24/7, we are tempted and yes, even compelled by the circumstance to force certain things. Be sure to carefully choose those things, putting aside our own emotions and as best we can, do what is best for our loved one.

Dear Friend,
Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.
Please don’t take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don’t be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.
Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.
Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them.
Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can’t handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.
Please don’t try to find the “right” words to say to me. There’s nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words.
Please don’t push me to do things I’m not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.
Please don’t stop calling me. You might think you’re respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. Please don’t expect me to be the same as I was before. I’ve been through a traumatic experience and I’m a different person.
Please accept me for who I am today. Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I’ve worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend-becauseI have learned from the best.
Love,
Margaret Brownly

Thank you!

To each and everyone who has been there for me, thanks for your strength and support. For every good thought, every prayer spoken, every card, gift and encouraging word, THANK YOU for going with me on this difficult journey. You will never know how much you have meant to me!

As life slowly returns to normal I know I’ll never be the same again. The pain is starting to dull, but will surely, at some level, remain for the rest of my life. It is here we decide to move on, or lose so much by wallowing in hopeless grief.

With that decision made, my sisters and I have determined that we are the legacy of Raymond D. and Faye L. Gies. Our lives, well lived by the values and faith they instilled in us, are the greatest tribute we could possibly pay to our parents. We have decided to erect that monument, a marker that will tower far above their gravestones.


IN LOVING AND GRATEFUL MEMORY OF FAYE L. GIES, June 30, 1937 – January 19, 2008 and RAYMOND D. GIES, January 1, 1935 – April 9, 2008.
They will not be soon forgotten.

Equal Opportunity

Without doubt, grief is the one gathering place where every individual attending stands on equal ground. Rich or poor, educated or uneducated, there is no difference here. When the heart feels torn to pieces, the pain does not care who you are.

The experts say that the first step in dealing with the death of someone we love is denial. They suggest that the mind will try to convince us that our loved one is just away on a trip and will soon walk back through the door.

I have not found that to be true in the recent death of my mom. Though there have been moments when I wished it were all a bad dream, never has the idea presented itself that she is still alive.

The conclusion then, for these early stages of loss and grief is that no two people grieve alike. Everyone has a mind and their individual emotional make-up. The key to this is that NO feeling we have is wrong or invalid. Every thought along this journey is important to the ultimate healing we seek.

The hardest thing for me to deal with has been the well-intentioned people who would try to convince me not to feel bad. My mom is gone and I have a right to feel however I choose to feel!

From the beginning, people will not know what to say or do when they are around you. Some will even avoid contact due to their own feelings of inadequecy. Be careful not to judge them harshly. I have found that simply letting people know that their presence is comfort enough, lets them off the hook and alleviates the need to find the words to say. In my time of grief, a sincere hug has spoken more comfort to me than a thousand hollow platitudes spoken.

From the moment I learned of mom’s death, I determined NOT to stuff or repress my emotions. When I feel like crying, I cry. When I feel like being alone, I get away by myself. When I need to be around others, I do that too. My suggestion is that we not try to grieve according to anyone’s method or plan. Often self-help books or grief counseling will try to boil the process down to points a.), b.) and c.), with results 1.), 2.) and 3.), but life simply does not fall neatly into such patterns.

One more word on dealing with the first days of loss and grief. When people volunteer to do something, LET THEM. When a friend or family member says, “Is there anything I can do to help?”, accept their offer and hand them the vacuum cleaner or a broom. People want to do something and often the opportunity to help you with housework, meals, or shopping can be a real and true blessing.

The Healing Begins

The activity surrounding the loss of a loved one is essential to the grief process, but it can also hinder. Many times, surrounded by friends, family and other support groups, we hide rather than process. It is when those dear people return to their normal lives that the healing process really begins.

This can be a lengthy process, so do not expect things to get better in a day, week, month, or even a year. Everyone has a different timetable and functions in their own way and time. If your process seems to go on longer than another, that is ok. Take whatever time you need. Moreover, there will be peaks and valleys along the way. During healing, whether physical or emotional, there will be setbacks. Some little thought, sound, sight, or odor can quickly whisk us back to the earlier stages of grief. It is vital to realize that such is perfectly normal and the occurrence and duration of these setbacks will become fewer and shorter with the passage of time.

There will be good days! Along with the setbacks and the drawn out grieving process, there will be days when we actually feel happy, pain-free and even a little giddy. After a protracted period of grief, the good times will have a wonderful, uplifting effect. During such times, there is a temptation to feel guilty, or that we are in some way betraying our loved one. Banish those thoughts and enjoy the times when grief abates, even if it is only for an hour or a day. It is important to undertand that, at first, the good times will be temporary. More days of grieving and healing are still to come, but live in the moment and refuse to feel guilty when things are good.

Healing Interrupted

Life can be exciting, daunting, fulfilling and challenging, but one thing it absolutely is, is unpredictable. In my case, even as the healing was under way following my mother’s sudden death, just ten weeks later my father passed away as well.

Now the question becomes, do we start all over at square one? God forbid. The great thing about life and learning is the ability to carry the lessons from one situation into other situations. That is excatly what I intend to do.

In dealing with dad’s death in April, most of the lessons learned in January still apply. The process is, overall, unchanged. There are still moments of disbelief and denial, but this time around they are shorter and less painful. Anger, though still present is almost undetectable and in its place there is comfort in knowing what I know.

The moral then is, never become complacent or think that because one thing happened, another cannot be right on it’s heels. Life comes at us fast and sometimes relentlessly, but as was noted earlier, we can and do handle it and we survive. The number of scars left behind will be determined by how we choose to ‘treat’ the processes of loss and grief. If we learn to embrace them as a vital part of life, rather than view them as an enemy to be bested, our scars will be fewer and less severe. There is no way to ’defeat’ the difficult in our lives, but we can learn to accept it, finding fulfillment in the circle of life.

Though none would be so foolish as to revel in grief, if, when it comes (and it inevitably will come to everyone) we welcome it as part of our journey, then it will be a teaching companion. In that welcome, grief will, as any good houseguest, not overstay it’s welcome, but if we fight it every step of the way, we will find it haunting our lives for the forseeable future. Ignore it, or repress it and danger lies ahead. We can bury the grief process deep in the dark recessess of our lives and declare victory, but that will not be the end. The repressed emotions, thoughts and lessons will simply climb out the basement window, put on a mask and walk right through the front door of our lives. Repression of grief, just like repressed anger, can result in physical and emotional trauma. A wound untreated is prone to infection and so it is with the wounds of the heart and soul.

What to do? What to do? Talk about it! Air out the feelings and as indicated previously, remember that nothing we feel during times of grief is invalid or inappropriate. Repressed or buried feelings and thoughts will result in inappropriate behavior, but properly vented, grief is most often a gentle guest. There are clear and notable exceptions, such as the tragic death of a child, when grief seems nothing but cruel, but even in such cases, it is still a vital companion in dealing with life’s inexplicable occurrences.

Hope

Heaven! This is a concept much disputed, but from the Christian perspective, which is my background, it is the most prolific source of hope in the face of loss. A place where tears can never intrude, sadness, pain and suffering are not even a memory. So, let the doubters and critics rage. In my journey of grief, it is heaven which inspires hope and gives strength to go on.

The gospel of John, in the 14th chapter outlines this hope: “Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Trust me. There is plenty of room for you in my heaven. If that weren’t so, would I have told you that I’m on my way to get a room ready for you? And if I’m on my way to get your room ready, I’ll come back and get you so you can live where I live.”

It is, of all things, most comforting to believe and know that my parents are safe on eternity’s golden shores. They are free of earth’s limitations and no longer face earth’s sickness, suffering, disappointment or sorrow. “I heard a voice thunder from the Throne: “Look! Look! God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! They’re his people, he’s their God. He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone…” Revelation 21

“I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?” Faith is such a small price to pay for this kind of assurance. 
So, as the old saying goes, if I’m dreaming, let me dream on!

Hope springs eternal!