The Ultimate Holiday Gift Guide for Dudes

by elguapo
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January 05, 2009

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When it comes to the holidays why is it that the women in our lives always try to get us fancy jeans and sweaters when what we really want is snowball launchers, Nintendo-themed t-shirts and gadgets we can use to prank our office mates? I'm not sure either, but I'm trying to put an end this utter nonsense. So ladies, listen up because this guide is for you. Here are 20 items under $30 that the guy in your life will like much more than the J Crew sweater you were going to get him.

Essential Guy Category # 1: Arms and Weaponry

Simple Fact: dudes love weapons. Even dudes who have no idea how to handle an actual weapon (like Plaxico Burress) love the idea of wielding some type of medieval fighting contraption around the house during the holiday season…

While you can’t get a Samurai sword or a set of nunchucks for less than $30, you can get some pretty cool stuff. Here are a few items on our list…

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Nerdy T-shirts

No matter how old we get, we’re still going to want stupid t-shirts in our Christmas stocking

Never Forget Atari Shirt: $12.99 at WickedSweet.com

For a good selection of more 8 bit Nintendo related shirts, check out nerdyshirts.com

Or impress people with your grizzly bear wrasslin skills with this shirt from Sir Drake Clothing

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Fair Trade Alpaca Yarmulka

Who wouldn’t want one of these snow hats? They’re super-warm and hand knitted by your Nana equivalent in the mountain communities of Peru.

Keep your noggin warm and support environmentally friendly, fair trade indigenous Peruvian craftsmanship. Win-Win

$17 at purlyalpaca.com

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Essential Guy Category # 6: Food and Drink

If it was up to us, guys would have no need for utensils. We’d drink milk straight from the carton and eat burritos every day, three meals a day, which would completely eliminate the need for forks, plates and glassware.

But truth of the matter is three burrito a day will turn any El Guapo into El Gordo pretty quickly.

Here is the food, drink and utensils we want this Christmas so we can start eating real food like normal human beings.

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Clocky

This amazing alarm clock is actually a tiny robot monkey that jumps off your bedside table forcing you to get out of bed and hunt it down when the alarm goes off.

The jury is out on whether this gift is awesome or incredibly annoying. El Guapo votes, awesome, but you can be the judge.

Purchase it for $49 at nanda.com

Yes, I know this is more than $30, but once I saw this, I couldn’t not include it in the list…

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Professor Egg's Electronic, Wire Head Massager

The main reason guys get haircuts is for the free head massage we get when the haircutter washes our hair.

Now there’s a better way!!!

The Octopus Head Massager.

Yes, it looks silly. But wait until you try it. You’ll never get a haircut again!!!!

$12 at reliefmart.com

Get this one not this one

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Essential Guy Category # 2: Fashion

It’s OK to get us something from this category. Guys like looking good as well. But Ladies, here is the lesson you need to learn: You can’t shop for us exclusively from this category while completely neglecting the other six essential guy categories.

If you absolutely must get us something from the fashion category, here are a few suggestions of things we really want.

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Essential Guy Category # 4: Bacon Flavored Stuff

It seems like anything you want these days, you can now get in the flavor of bacon, which is awesome.
Of course, you’ve got your standards like bacon flavored vodka, beer, salt, ice cream, ham.

My personal favorite though has to be bacon flavored dental floss. $4.99 at Stupid.com

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Flask

“For the alcoholic on the run”

This is a gift your guy will use over and over again.

The one pictured here is kind of gigantic, making it hard to sneak into a church, concerts or wherever else $12 budget-busting cocktails lurk. El Guapo recommends purchasing a smaller one for maximum utility.

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a la card

Give the gift of good taste for the holidays…

A la Card is like a Mom and Pop version of the Zagat guide only much, much cooler and with way better restaurants.

Basically, the guide is a deck of 52 cards. Each card describes an awesome owner-operated restaurant in the city ranging from fancy-schmancy, James Beard Award Winning restaurants like Carrie Nahabadien’s Naha to cheaper yet equally delicious eats like Hot Doug’s (hot dog and sausage emporium).

The best part is that each card is also a $10 gift certificate to the restaurant it describes so you get to find great new restaurants and you also get a little discount on your meal to boot.

Right now they’re just in Chicago, but it won’t be long until they’re in your city too.
Purchase a deck for your boyfriend so he can stop eating burritos seven days a week, three times a day

$30 at alacardchicago.com

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Phantom Keystroker

This thing is awesome for intra-office prank terrorism.

“The Keystroker emulates a keyboard and mouse and periodically makes random mouse movements and types out odd garbage text and phrases. A simple jumper setting allows you to choose between either keyboard garbage typing, annoying mouse movements or both.”

Just attach it to any extra USB port on your victim’s computer. Saaahweeeeet!!!

$24.95 at ThinkGeek.com

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Chewed Gum Magnets

Does your boyfriend live with roommates and complain to you that they’re always eating his food out of the fridge.

Have him ward off would-be scavengers by adhering “Don’t Eat” notes to his food with these fake pieces of gum. Gross!

Of course, you can also tell him to do what El Guapo used to do in college: place a note on leftovers that says “HERPES!!!”.

No one honestly believe your leftover mac and cheese is a plate full of herpes, but at the same time, most people, even the scroungiest of roommates, aren’t going to take the chance…

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Guides We Think You'll Like

Discussions

: by elissa 12/18/2008 Reply

i am really excited about these dots gloves. …but not as excited as i am about bacon floss! last year i actually tried bacon MINTS. now, finally, a way to KEEP that delicious flavor in my mouth all night long!

: by elguapo 12/17/2008 Reply

CaptainPlanit. You are an eco-terrorist.

: by captinplanit 12/17/2008 Reply

I bought 7 clocky’s and took them to the airport and left them in the ticketing area. 78 flights got cancelled that day. Sweet.

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About The Author

elguapo

Lincoln Park

Burrito Eating Champion, Proud owner of the Sexiest JewFro in Lincoln Park

The Ultimate Holiday Gift Guide for Dudes

Essential Guy Category # 1: Arms and Weaponry